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In looking for proper illustrative material for today’s blog, I found myself horrified at the sights I was witnessing. Has it really come to this? THIS?  Jake, so desperate to regain my attention, has taken to disrobing in public.
It’s a sad, sad fall from grace for our celebrity friend. He’s always been obsessed with me, I know, but this…this is too much.
God, it’s even worse from this angle. Peter Sarsgaard is mortified.
Keep it buttoned, Gyllenhaal. I have a will of steel. You’re just embarrassing yourself with your wanton ploys for my affection.
I’m so sorry that you all had to witness him like this. He’ll get over me eventually but there’s no need to humor him when he acts out.
In consolation, would you like EXCLUSIVE JAKE GYLLENHAAL INFO? HMMM???????
I will translate your deafening silence as a frantic "yes, please give us some exclusive JG, please, please, please!"
So here's a story for you. I have a friend named Melissa who has a friend named Tara. They live in Pittsburgh. I met Tara once while I was visiting Melissa...during the last weekend of Jake Watch no less. I was celebrating my breakup with Jake and we all went to a grand Halloween party or two and I got low-to-mid-level drunk and was hit on repeatedly by a guy who thought I'd be "perfect" as a cage dancer and then later I ensnared the event photographer just by *existing* and tried to ignore him as he stealthily took several dozen photographs of me and so enamored was he that months later he was still bringing me up to Melissa, all of which was OH MY GOD SO CREEPY.
I have not been back to Pittsburgh since.
But Jake, who doesn't care about creepiness (obvs, because what other explanation is there for having that many buttons undone?) is there right now filming a movie, which I know absolutely nothing about, except that maybe Anne Hathaway is in it. Or maybe that's another movie. WHATEVER.
It just so happens that Jake, who is *obviously* stalking me via my friends, is now living in their neighborhood. Should I visit?
No. Because why get his hopes up like that?
At 7:58 PM CST last Wednesday night, I received the following information from Melissa: "Tara is, even as I type this, eating dinner 6 feet away from Jake Gyllenhaal. I have probably taken you to eat at [some eating-place]; it's the [insert-nationality-here] restaurant right above it, in which I have never stepped foot. I am, of course, in...Florida, because I am a terrible stalker and went off-mission. But rest assured, he is there, consuming ethnic cuisine."
The following morning, sometime CST, Tara confirmed: "He was! It's also, like, Pittsburgh's tiniest restaurant. It seats maybe 25 people."
HA HA. Jake. Just thinking about him in a tiny restaurant makes me laugh. For no reason.
He was there with Hank Azaria. Apparently. Tara reported to Melissa that he's "SO HOT."
THREE DAYS LATER...
Tara sees Jake again, on the sidewalk outside of some other restaurant.
When asking me for stalking tips, I wrote the following to Melissa:
"I once made a list, for a JW post that was never published, of all the
things Jake did. There were only four things on it and going to the
grocery store was one of them. He also walked on sidewalks and went
into and out of airports. I can't remember what the fourth thing was,
but I think it's safe to say it didn't involve bars of any variety. I
think if you stick to sidewalks and the produce aisle, an encounter is
inevitable."
So see? I know Jake incredibly well, on account of my knowledge of his love of sidewalks. And Melissa is now back in Pittsburgh, so I expect her to run into him any day now.
I had originally planned this post to contain one long story about Jake eating dinner, but that, my friends, is only the tip of the iceberg! I just keep getting e-mails about restaurants and sidewalks and "he walks a dog in the mornings (could it be the long-lost Boo, or is there a second Gyllen-canine?!)" Answer: It's totally Atticus (I guess)! And how funny that just today I was editing the "I don't have my puggle" part of my epic Jake Watch book.
So the short of all this is...I'M PROPHECY GIRL. And even after two years of not giving a fuck, I STILL get all the good post material on this guy. I will be back with more Jake info when I have it (Tara will hopefully be e-mailing me her dinner story soon) and YOU'RE WELCOME.
(But for real, Jake, we are soooooo not getting back together, 'kay?)
Pics from the incomparable IHJ.
1:50 AM
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