Ohh whoop-de-doo. Another dumb emo blog posted by yours truly, Casey Ann Screwup.
Where to even begin this one. I am so.. disgusted by myself. You know? Ever get to the point where you don't even like yourself and you pretty much figure out why no one likes you? Yeah. Let's see. I am MORE than satisfied with a few friendships that have ended. My life is so much less dramatic. GRANTED next year is going to be my own personal hell with all of those haters at school with me, but whatever. My life- they live in. Characters in this play that is my life. Whether harbingers, villains, or innocent bystanders, everyone has had a role.

I don't know what my problem is lately, though. Honestly I have never been more embarrassed of myself. My irrational lashing out on everyone, my dumb screaming, and my self pity that feeds off of other people's approval. Is that not sick? I think it is.

I know I am happier, yet I feel empty. I haven't been eating a lot lately. I haven't been sleeping much. I feel like crap most of the time, and I hardly get off of the computer. I hate my father. I hate my mother. And my grandparents are naggy people who wont stop letting me forget every mistake I have ever made in my whole freaking life. I suppose this is normal- teenage angst, how cliche. But it's seriously making me so weak in the process of working away at everything that ever meant anything to me.

My mother is a psycho, as previously mentioned. She is crazy and the reasons for not living with her are obvious. So where to go? My dad's house? Awesome.

Except for the fact that he is OLD and forgets EVERYTHING. I feel so bad for him, but his annoying attitude makes me even sicker. I hate the movements he makes. Who honestly hates movements? It's retarded. We were talking and he was like itching his arm and I wanted to scream at him to STOP ITCHING HIS DUMB ARM. He wasn't looking at me when I was talking to him and I wanted to punch him. He looked at me and I wanted to slap him. Just every freaking move he makes makes me more irritated and pissed off. And he is trying to talk to me like I am still a 3 year old. What the heck is that? I tell him something and he always forgets. He doesn't remember a thing. I try and talk to him and he either walks away from me  or interrupts me with something of his own to say. I mean it's understandable to do that every so often,. but every time I try to say something serious he shrugs it off.
Sorry you weren't a part of my life for the past 9 years? Sorry you never had to raise a child? If I am so much of a burden then just kcik me out or something.

So tonight I snapped at him and started going off on all of these promises and things I have told him and he has made and told me and blah blah never went through. And I ended up stomping up the stairs and slamming my door. I know, so second grade. I'm acting like a child because he's treating me like one? No. Maybe because I am just so pissed off with everyone that facing anything like an adult is just not working out for me now, anyways. Why not just act like an immature child and hold my breath until I'm blue? At least that gets some kind of attention, and maybe that's what I need or something. Attention. ha. Sounds conceited. But obviously no one pays attention when I just shuffle along. Whatever.
I just cannot handle this anymore at all, sure teenage life is difficult. We mold ourselves into our ideal person. And the person we become at this age is HARD to shake off as we grow older. We are defining ourselve so that when we reach college we can just look around and figure out if it's somewhere we belong or not. We are defining ourselves! And I hate who I feel I am becoming.

Maybe I need to be exorcised.
:P

In all reality.
I have never felt lonlier. I have never felt so.. not together. Never felt so.. misplaced in society. I just need to get out of here.

I feel like such a ditz. I say the same things in each blog, yet I don't have the nerve to do anything. Or the knowledge. Not even the tools.

I mean maybe it would be better off if I killed myself, like a few special people keep saying behind my back.
WHICH NEWS FLASH- I think that is the lowest thing you could possibly ever say or think about ANYONE.

No matter how much I have ever hated someone.. I would honestly expect after like.. three or more years of friendship.. BEST friendship that thought would NEVER cross someone's mind. It's just.. a shame.
But whatever.
You're all forgiven, you know.
If you think thoughts like that- you need every break you can get.

I am so.
uncomfortable.
I hate this world today.
I hate the people, motivations-- I just can't stand this crap anymore.
No one does anything for themse;f anymore- it's all to fit the "cool" factor, or to impress this person, or to befriend THAT person.
I just wish everyone would shut up about what they want people to do and let them figure it out for themselves.

I pity so many people in this world.
I honestly do.
And not for sensable things like No money, or poor education. But for simple things like...
Look at that girl. She puts up a front for everyone, but on the inside she just doesn't let anyone in too close to care for.
Or

Look at that girl. She is so insecure with herself that she has to please everyone around her to feel the tiniest bit secure.



I just don't feel like doing anything anymore.
No point in doing anything, anyways.