I'm trying my best to stay positive with all the chaos surrounding my life right now. As hard as it is, I'm worried most for my father. If he finally succumbs to stress and falls apart, I don't know how to pick up that many pieces.

As for my mother, while I fear I am becoming her in alot of ways, as always my best friend knew what to say. While my blood may whisper her name, it will not repeat her errors. I've lived enough for two people in my life, and know what it is to scrape my knees and learn from the fall. It need happen only once. I love that I have her smile, and her sense of humor, but her faults can lie in peace with her ashes.

I have a new job, which is a good thing. I'm a supervisor this time, so hopefully I can effect some positive change needed for my new crew. It's an uplifting thing for me to try to work towards some new direction for now.

Pouring over my makeup artist magazines and photos the other day, I know that all of this stress is just temporary. Hearts will heal. Scars will fade, and I will ultimately find L.A. as my home, doing what I love, with people I love.

What's most important now is the present, and I am presently needing to buy a new pack of cigarettes.

I think I'll start there.