Some days I wish I could have met you in person.

The fact that you became a man is the biggest, most confusing thing I've ever had to deal with. Sometimes my mind starts spinning and I think: "This is ridiculous! No person can do or be what it is claimed about you." Somewhere deep down, though, I know that if I was standing in front of you, looking into your eyes, I wouldn't be able to say that. Face to face with truth is not always pleasant – especially when it's truth about me in all my ugliness, both inside and out.

I've seen the history books, stories, novels, movies, and songs about you and wonder how accurate they really are. Many of them claim you existed on this earth. I've thought about this, and I've come to the conclusion that you are a real human being; although, you've got to admit, this is a big leap of faith considering I've never actually seen you. It's strange to say this, I know, but I wouldn't be able trust that you were a real man if it wasn't for this spiritual whisper inside me (I don't know how else to describe it). I've also come to the conclusion that you are a spiritual man and had power from God. Actually…. more than that, I believe you are God. I look at that statement and see its logical strangeness. How can this be? Again, there's something spiritual compelling me to say that – something holy and quiet and very sacred. In times like this, I have to admit the truth to my mind, and then I know confidence and peace ... but some days…

Scary thoughts called doubt come into my brain. What if this is all a hoax? (And am I even allowed to doubt and question?)

It's when I can't get away from these doubt-thoughts that I wish I could have met you and seen you in all your humanity. You with spiritual wisdom that defied the rules of religious law-makers. You with your working hands, and muscle, and flesh and bone, and pain. You with emotions of sadness, loneliness, laughter, agony, and anger. Who are you? And what do I do with my unbelief?

I remember what happened one day when a man did look you in the face and say words similar to that. He didn't try to sugar-coat his doubt; but he let it all out: "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." The amazing part is that you didn't scold him or condemn him for being more trusting! You gave him what he needed. And you did satisfy his mind. Can I ask for that too, please?

By the way, I've thought a lot about what you said to your friend who doubted your resurrection. I'm glad you gave him proof. I'm also glad you were compassionate and gentle. But the most amazing thing I'm glad about it this: you made a promise to me and all those millions like me who believe without having seen.

Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe....My Lord, and my God!....Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.


(c) Elizabeth Gordon

written March 22, 2004