(Today is a HUGE day in my blogging career. You see, I've noticed several bloggers here on MySpace have posted "interview" blogs, where another blogger asked them questions and they answered in "Q & A" format. It's a cute idea, but a future Pulitzer Prize recipient such as myself simply can't be frittering away my time answering questions from pond scum such as other bloggers.
Not that I'm bitter about not being interviewed.
Anyway, using the power of my burgeoning Global Blogging Domination, I have arranged to be interviewed by the REAL MEDIA! That's right, suckers. I'm being interviewed by famous journalists like Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes, Anderson Cooper, Katie Couric of CBS Evening News, Bill O'Reilly, Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News and more! They'll ask the questions that will get my name out there and make me a STAR. Whoops! The interview is about to start!)
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick…
Mike Wallace (voiceover): He has taken the MySpace world by storm. His essays get hundreds of views and almost as many comments. His readers come from every corner of the globe. His name is Joe Simmons, but you may know him more by his Internet persona, Slow Joe. He is our top story for this week. I'm Mike Wallace, and this is "60 Minutes".
Wallace: Welcome, Joe. It's been a busy few weeks for you, hasn't it?
Me: Thank you, Mike. I tell you, it's—
Bill O'Reilly: Wait a damn minute. What the (bleep!) was that ticking? And why did Wallace get to do the introduction? And since when is this "60 Minutes"?
Wallace: It was in my contract. I get the introduction.
Katie Couric: No offense Mike, but as the new face of CBS Nightly News, I really think I should have gotten the introduction.
Wallace: Piss off, Katie.
Me: What the (bleep!) was that "bleeping" noise? WHOA! There it is again!
Wallace: This is network TV, Joe. We have to abide by the FCC. So we brought a censor to bleep out any profanities.
(Wallace points to the censor in the back of the room, who waves halfheartedly. He looks like a college dropout stoned out of his mind)
O'Reilly: Can he bleep out your face? What are you, like 80 years old now? And no one's answered my (bleep!) question about "60 Minutes"! If this should be anywhere, it should be on the O'Reilly Factor.
Brian Williams: Does anyone have any hairspray? The humidity down here in Florida is killing my coif.
Wallace: Bill, you pompous windbag. Your ugly mug would have never made it on "60 Minutes".
Andy Rooney: Have you ever noticed that—
O'Reilly: "60 Minutes" can kiss my white ass. And what the (bleep!) is Andy Rooney doing here? This is an interview, not one of his stupid essays!
Williams: I'm serious, I really need to borrow some hair(bleep!). I'll even take Aqua Net if you got it.
Rooney: No one cares about your stupid hair, you young punk.
Wallace: Leave Brian alone. Besides, you could use some grooming yourself. What are those things you are using for eyebrows? Tarantulas?
Anderson Cooper: Did the censor just bleep out the word spray?
Me: (clearing throat) ahem.
Couric: Uh, sorry, we apologize, Joe. So how did you get started in blogging?
Me: Well, basically I—
Wallace: Katie, I believe that was my question to ask.
Couric: Says who?
Wallace: It's in my contract. I get that question.
Rooney: You and your fucking contract.
Wallace: HEY! Where was the censor there? Andy just dropped the F-bomb!
Rooney: Screw the censor. You're still pissed about the doughnut incident aren't you? I'm telling you, I didn't do it.
Cooper: Wait a second. That was you that took the last doughnut in the breakroom?
Couric: I KNEW IT! Andy, you pig! I had my (bleep!) set on that doughnut! You know how I love chocolate frosting!
Rooney: I'm getting irritated here. I'm telling you, I didn't (bleep!) the stupid doughnut.
Wallace: Censor, you stupid-ass! You're bleeping the wrong fucking words!
Censor: Fuck you.
Me: (clearing my throat louder) AHEM.
O'Reilly: Sorry, Joe. Have you ever done any political blogging?
Me: Funny you should ask. I—
Wallace: Listen here Andy, I know you stole that Goddamned doughnut. You were the last one in the breakroom. Just admit it and we can forget about it.
Rooney: I DIDN'T STEAL THAT SHITTY DOUGH(bleep!) YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH!!
Cameraman: Mr. Simmons, we need a profile shot, can you lean to one side real quick?
Me: (sighing) Sure, I'll lean to the left.
Ann Coulter: Which side are you leaning to?
Me: Huh? The left I guess.
Coulter: You faggot.
Me: HEY! WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THAT? I just got called a "faggot" by Ann Coulter! Wasn't the censor paying attention?
Cooper: No one pays attention to Ann Coulter.
Me: Okay, FINE! Can we PLEASE get to questions about (bleep!)? And why is that stupid censor bleeping out the word "me"?!?!?
Jerry Springer: I have some questions about the weird fetish you have.
Me: What the hell? Who let you in here? This isn't that kind of interview! Besides, I don't have any weird fetishes!
Springer: You don't? Well, let's see what your old girlfriends have to say about that. (Three of my ex-girlfriends come out from behind a curtain.)
Audience: YEAH!! WHOO-HOOO!! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
Wallace: Audience? There's an audience?
Williams: I knew I should have brought extra hairspray.
Me: (My head falls into my hand) Oh my God.
Couric: I'm getting out of here. Crap like this can ruin a news career.
Me: But wait—
Cooper: Me too.
Williams: Me three. Andy, are you coming with us?
Rooney:
O'Reilly: Andy, wake up, you old goat.
Rooney:
Wallace: Leave him. Trust me, it's better this way. With any luck, he's dead.
O'Reilly: Is that chocolate frosting on his chin?
Me: NO!!! NOOO!! Don't leave me with Springer and a dead Rooney!! Please!! I'm begging you!!! All I wanted was to get inter(bleep!) for my blog and (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!)
Me: AAARRRRRRGGGGH!!!!!
(Damn.
Unfortunately, the interview didn't go as I planned. I guess I owe you all an apology. I am not a Globally Dominant Blogger. Thank you.)