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August 15, 2006 - Tuesday
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Category: Romance and Relationships
The house lights dim as I step onto the stage. Under the spotlight, I am calm, collected. A man's voice: "And now, ladies and gentleman, in her hundredth or so performance (not counting half-shows and sneak previews) I present tonight's star, performing her one-woman (usually) act entitled.... FELLATIO!!" Applause, applause and I begin.
"Fellatio...fellatio...fellatio." Say it with me. It has a certain operatic ring to it, don't you think? And it certainly sounds better than cunnilingus, so really, who can blame them? The men, I mean, the ones who won't "go down." The terminology alone would be enough to put me off - "eating hair pie" or "chowing box." None of it sounds pleasant - trick of the patriarchy to keep women from achieving sexual awareness and equality or just unfortunate Latin? Regardless, even as a woman, I would much rather "blow" something or get "blown" than "eaten out." Cannibalistic issues aside, it just sounds... friendlier. And perhaps that's the hook: "Honey, you're not really stuffing my engorged, hairy-balled, salty, leaking penis in your mouth while I hold your head and ram the back of your throat. No, you're just... blowing me."
Okay, so I get that cunnilingus sounds like some sort of tongue fungus, but really, why ARE so many men reluctant to head downtown? Is it the taste? Smell? Fear of the female organ - it's many nooks and crannies? Or, are they just so afraid of doing it badly, they figure it's best if they don't do it at all? I don't have the answer and my many different experiences with a variety of men haven't helped me figure it out. The best oral sex I ever received was from a boyfriend who loved it, preferred it even to straight sex. However, with most men it usually feels as if they are flailing blindly around with their tongue, eyes squeezed shut, not particularly enjoying it and definitely not achieving the desired-for results but, by God, they were going to keep at it until the well ran dry, so to speak. In these situations, after a brief grace period, I usually rescue the boy with some conciliatory word or action that keeps his fragile ego intact and we move on to something else. The worst, however, and I swear to God this is true, is the guy who, after going down on me and doing a fairly decent job, stood up, ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. There really isn't anything quite like lying in bed and listening to a person puking his guts out in the next room because he just performed an intimate sex act with you. Sigh. I miss that boy though - he was just a little squeamish and the combination of off-season, raw oysters and cunnilingus in the same day was just too much for him.
So, as a woman who actually finds giving head enjoyable, I now find myself in a dilemma, a power struggle of sorts. The first time I brought Zach home we had great sex - kissing, biting, foreplay, cuddling, a variety of positions, more kissing, licking, etc. and I, as I usually do, included a nice blow job as part of the package. He didn't reciprocate but that was okay, I didn't ask for it. Not that I am afraid to ask. I'm never afraid to ask, demand, point, demonstrate or, depending on the intelligence/inebriation of my partner, draw a little stick-figure diagram. Whatever it takes. But in the whole oral sex arena, some men make me feel a little like Hannibal in Silence of the Lambs as he's questioning Jodie Foster: "Quid pro quo, Clarice, quid pro quo." And that's just not real sexy.
Anyway, back to Zach. By now, we've hooked up a few times and, unfortunately for me, our hot sexual encounters have devolved into me giving him head. Period. I blow him and, apparently, we're done. On the one hand, I'm flattered - he obviously enjoys it, I'm good at it and I like it. It can make me feel sexy, very powerful and very much in control. On the other hand - the boy's just being lazy and it's pissing me off. The last time we were together, after his second "happy ending" he said, "If you didn't blow me, I'd have sex with you."
I've never really understood the line of female thinking that believes oral sex should be reserved for birthdays and, maybe, Christmas. I've never understood women who didn't enjoy kissing, sucking and licking their partner - every inch of him. But now, thanks to Zach, I am starting to see how it may not be in my, or any woman's, best interest to give head quite so freely. So, a word of warning to the men. Being selfish, being lazy and making her ask for it quid pro quo ("the lambs, Clarice") will ultimately hurt you and your gender's chances of scoring anymore head and, ultimately, that's bad for everyone. I can certainly tell you this about myself: The blow job free for all ends with Zach. And for all the men in the future who may cross my path, you can all thank Zach if there's no "happy ending" for you - he's a tall, lanky red-head with piercing blue eyes and miles of freckles. His name has certainly not been changed to protect his decided lack of innocence so if you see him down in the Quarter or, maybe, waiting on you in a certain upscale New Orleans eatery, tell him this: "Thanks Zach, men like you ruin it for us all." And then go home and cannibalize your wife/girlfriend. Because, the odds are, there's a Zach in her past as well.
Take care from the Big Easy.
PS: Need to bone up on your fellatio techniques? Try this site or this one.
Can't lick your problems with cunnilingus? This may help.
1:58 AM
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Gender: Female
Status: Swinger
Age: 31
Sign: Aquarius
City: New Orleans
State: LOUISIANA
Country: US
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