It's 1 am and Erin has been thing about too much shit, way too hard.

I get this weird itch to leave everything behind and start off somewhere else. No warning, no forwarding address, just poof! Disappear. I don't know why I get these urges but I wish they'd go away. I hate the anxiety that they bring.

Sometimes I think about this guy I used to have a huge crush on. I was so smitten by him that I just stopped talking to him and turned into a blubbering idiot when he was in the room. I'm so retarded that I used to think he was the perfect man for me. Of course he wasn't. Otherwise he would've made the first move. Adam is all the man I need anyway....

I was just thinking about how close to the end of the semester I am. A month and a half until it's over. I haven't done shit as far as studying goes for my PoliSci class and I probably should. English has been kicking my ass though. I did receive some decent feedback on my latest essay though. Teach likes my writing voice. That gives my self-esteem a boost. Anyways, I'm proud of the fact that this will be my second semester at the same school. My short attention span spell may be broken. I'm hoping to get through the next two years and get a web design degree (yeah, I'm back to that career path....sigh.....) I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.....

I'm getting an iPhone. I hate that I'm so hypocritically predictable. I hate my blackberry so hard. I love what it can do, but the phone just seems to be shit. I'm an Apple whore, so yeah....I think I'm getting an iPhone. Besides, I can justify it since once I get the iPhone, I can sell my slightly used Blackberry and my slightly used iPod Touch for more than what I'll spend on the damn iPhone I'm sure. I bitched about that damn iPhone and AT&T service for years and now that they've got the 3G phone at a reasonable price, I can in good conscience switch services and get the phone. I still feel like a hypocrite though.....

My new hair is awesome. All the flat ironing has done wonders for my curls too. I wore it curly for the first time in two weeks and my curls are actually behaving. I still look cuter with the straight hair and bangs though.

I won't let the small things get to me anymore. I'll still drink myself retarded on a pretty steady basis. I'm leaving work early on Halloween so I can stalk out a table at Grumpy's for the Mask-A-Raid (really, I just want a few glasses of the Darkness and then I'll leave) My life is pretty damn good. I need to remind myself of that every once and a while. My head doctor says I'm not a typical head case and that if the other doctors hadn't put me on something before, he wouldn't think I needed any drugs. He gave me a prescription on Monday and I still haven't taken any. I'm scared too, actually. I should really smoke more pot. Ahem...I mean, I should really just smoke pot. I need a new drug of choice. Painkillers? Cocaine? Meth? Eh.....where was I going with this?.....

I'm excited to see Eagles of Death Metal next Saturday. I wish I hadn't missed the TV on the Radio show last mon and tues. I wish I could spend every night at First Ave.

I wish I didn't feel guilty about every tiny thing that goes wrong in my life. I wish my anxiety would stop interfering with work. I want to smoke more, drink more and forget more.

Damn, I AM a headcase! Maybe I should stop lying to my doctors.....