 |
Current mood:  indescribable Category: Life
I drove around for about an hour and a half this afternoon, looking for a place to pull over with some sort of view, where I could sit and read.(and this place, I never found.)And I was sitting in a parking lot, waiting on Ashley to call me, when I looked up from the papers of a story to just kind of stare off into my faced direction of Western Avenue. And I couldn't help but think about how much I really hate this city. And I realize now why I hate it.On the weekends I enter a formerly abandoned building, that's now decorated with lights, tables, and even dancing cages and screens, music pumps so loud I can feel it's rhythmic pulse replace my own heartbeat.And I dance to this, and I forget about all the bullshit: the drama, the heartbreak, the loneliness, and the anxiety. Every day I attend school and see people pouring onto sidewalks, walkways, into their cars, into their classrooms. I see hundreds of cars a day, thousands a week. And all this evidence of life, culture, and family - but I still find this town to be completely empty.But like this, I realize my anger towards Knoxville, Tennessee is empty, too.I have no reason to hate it here. There are things to do, friends to spend time with, and family to rely on.I have an amazing life but I'm still completely unsatisfied."Good" is not enough.I'm not satisfied. I'm content, but I'm not happy.Regardless of it you know me very well or hardly know me at all, I don't let many people know I have an immeasurable amount of faith.I believe in prayer.I believe in souls and soulmates.I believe in love.I believe in angels and guardian angels.And as much questioning as I have with whether or not I truly believe in God, or religious-based faith, I never noticed small habits I am constantly using to reassure myself, and I rarely realize exactly what I'm doing, because these compulsions of comfort are so routine to me.This hangs on my rearview mirror in my Toyota Avalon: The candy necklace makes me smile and gives me hope, because I know that my best friend gave it to me.The bracelet reassures me I'm safe, and that my former best friend, Elizabeth, is protecting me as well as she can. I bought this bracelet for her mother after Elizabeth was killed. Neither Tink nor I have really had the strength to contact and see her in person, because it drains so much from us, knowing this woman was the light and creator to our shared best friend, that was taken from us.It hurts to hear about how a beautiful woman lost her beautiful and only daughter to a pathetic monster.Every day on my way to my school's main campus, I pass the spot on I-40 where my friend, Josh McMillan was killed. And seeing the memorial of crosses and flowers, my immediate instinct brings me to slow my car and rub the metal heart charm of the bracelet between my thumb and index/middle fingers.And I remember how close this wreck brought me and so many of my friends, even people I had hated previously, I now consider some of the most amazing people I am blessed to know.And as I was driving today, I just made a quick decision to go up a street I didn't think I had been .., but always go by. And as I ride along Sixth Avenue, the crosses through Cecil, I spot this: A street that Tink and I found months ago when she visited Knoxville. It was her last day in town, and I spent all morning with her, not wanting her to leave. And we lost this before we had the chance to take a photo of it, and drove around for so long looking for it again.The irony of Luck being a dead end, with no turnaround - luck, so hard to find when you want it, so simple when you aren't looking.I can't help but think subtle moments like this are the most important in my life, the ones that lead to my complete development.I don't know if I'm meant to stay here. But something tells me plenty of signs are coming my way, but it's too soon to decide if this is where I'll be the rest of my life.
Powered by  | | English | | Albanian | | Arabic | | Bulgarian | | Catalan | | Chinese | | Croatian | | Czech | | Danish | | Dutch | | Estonian | | Filipino | | Finnish | | French | | Galician | | German | | Greek | | Hebrew | | Hindi | | Hungarian | | Indonesian | | Italian | | Japanese | | Korean | | Latvian | | Lithuanian | | Maltese | | Norwegian | | Polish | | Portuguese | | Romanian | | Russian | | Serbian | | Slovak | | Slovenian | | Spanish | | Swedish | | Thai | | Turkish | | Ukrainian | | Vietnamese |
|