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I DON’T THINK SHE LIKES ME. i shouldn’t eat so much.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008 6:42 AM

Current mood:  indescribable
Category: Life
I drove around for about an hour and a half this afternoon, looking for a place to pull over with some sort of view, where I could sit and read.
(and this place, I never found.)
And I was sitting in a parking lot, waiting on Ashley to call me, when I looked up from the papers of a story to just kind of stare off into my faced direction of Western Avenue. And I couldn't help but think about how much I really hate this city. And I realize now why I hate it.
On the weekends I enter a formerly abandoned building, that's now decorated with lights, tables, and even dancing cages and screens, music pumps so loud I can feel it's rhythmic pulse replace my own heartbeat.
And I dance to this, and I forget about all the bullshit: the drama, the heartbreak, the loneliness, and the anxiety. Every day I attend school and see people pouring onto sidewalks, walkways, into their cars, into their classrooms. I see hundreds of cars a day, thousands a week. And all this evidence of life, culture, and family - but I still find this town to be completely empty.
But like this, I realize my anger towards Knoxville, Tennessee is empty, too.
I have no reason to hate it here. There are things to do, friends to spend time with, and family to rely on.
I have an amazing life but I'm still completely unsatisfied.
"Good" is not enough.
I'm not satisfied. I'm content, but I'm not happy.

Regardless of it you know me very well or hardly know me at all, I don't let many people know I have an immeasurable amount of faith.
I believe in prayer.
I believe in souls and soulmates.
I believe in love.
I believe in angels and guardian angels.

And as much questioning as I have with whether or not I truly believe in God, or religious-based faith, I never noticed small habits I am constantly using to reassure myself, and I rarely realize exactly what I'm doing, because these compulsions of comfort are so routine to me.
This hangs on my rearview mirror in my Toyota Avalon:

The candy necklace makes me smile and gives me hope, because I know that my best friend gave it to me.
The bracelet reassures me I'm safe, and that my former best friend, Elizabeth, is protecting me as well as she can. I bought this bracelet for her mother after Elizabeth was killed. Neither Tink nor I have really had the strength to contact and see her in person, because it drains so much from us, knowing this woman was the light and creator to our shared best friend, that was taken from us.
It hurts to hear about how a beautiful woman lost her beautiful and only daughter to a pathetic monster.
Every day on my way to my school's main campus, I pass the spot on I-40 where my friend, Josh McMillan was killed. And seeing the memorial of crosses and flowers, my immediate instinct brings me to slow my car and rub the metal heart charm of the bracelet between my thumb and index/middle fingers.

And I remember how close this wreck brought me and so many of my friends, even people I had hated previously, I now consider some of the most amazing people I am blessed to know.

And as I was driving today, I just made a quick decision to go up a street I didn't think I had been .., but always go by. And as I ride along Sixth Avenue, the crosses through Cecil, I spot this:



A street that Tink and I found months ago when she visited Knoxville. It was her last day in town, and I spent all morning with her, not wanting her to leave. And we lost this before we had the chance to take a photo of it, and drove around for so long looking for it again.
The irony of Luck being a dead end, with no turnaround - luck, so hard to find when you want it, so simple when you aren't looking.
I can't help but think subtle moments like this are the most important in my life, the ones that lead to my complete development.

I don't know if I'm meant to stay here. But something tells me plenty of signs are coming my way, but it's too soon to decide if this is where I'll be the rest of my life.
Currently listening:
The Dresden Dolls
By The Dresden Dolls
Release date: 2004-04-27
<333 hugo love
h luv

 
Wow there seem to be so many memories in ur town that may not be so great but have brought together so many people. Strange what it takes to bring people closer, but it's a good thing. Seems like a great place. The abondoned building sounds super fun. I'd love to visit it someday and dance my little heart out. God know I wanna dance away the heartbreak in my life. But that's natural for us humans to always want something different. What u say may not be so interesting in ur town, interests me and makes me wanna visit. Maybe u'd wanna visit mine. Maybe u'd like it. Strange, but we always want something different in life. I think it's great. There's so much to life. I don't think we'll ever see everything. I'm excited for it.... :D
 
Posted by <333 hugo love on Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 2:46 AM
[Reply to this
Silly Sally

 
I LOVE YOU.
I wish I could say it in person,but sadly can't.
I don't know everything that has been happening with you lately,but from what I can tell from this and the IM you sent me it hasn't been too great,which for me,it hasn't been a joy ride lately either.Reading this gives ME hope,hope I know that your hoping to.This past year for both of us has been literally a roller coaster that seems like will never end,but I hope when I finally move back,there will be reassurance in this time that we have been faithful when there's seemed like there's no way that this hell will ever end.
Since Sunday,a friend of mine which you know of has been riding my ass basically saying I am a piece of shit,but this helps me,knowing that I at least have a best friend,a true one,one that I know will never turn her back on me.
I sit in my room,all the pictures taken down and boxes around me wondering how I'm going to make through this anxiety of moving again,but there's hope once again that fills my soul.
I hope we make it through,knowing we will and we can finally have peace.Of course,there will be those times where we will think it truly is the end,but just always remember me,remember me when you get in your car,remember me in your trunk with Ashley in the floor of the passenger seat.Remember me going through the passenger window few too many times just to get in the car.Remember me sitting in the passenger seat ,going through many emotions depending on what was occurring everyday.
Remember me in your house,in your beach shorts,freezing my ass off.Remember me doing the Halloween photo shoot with you while I was going through the toughest time with relationships along with you.Remember me cuddling with you in your bed.Remember me in your toilet :]
There are so many memories that hold in Knoxville that I will never be able to let go of,it was the turning point in everything for me,especially in finding my soul mate/best friend.That is why I think I am meant to be there,with you on my side,my Carl :]
I love you,I think of you everyday and always think of the GOOD memories.
Keep strong for me baby <3
[You know whats funny?I always thought soul mate was one word.Think about it ;)]
 
Posted by Silly Sally on Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 10:56 AM
[Reply to this
catherine cocaine™ [PXC] [AJe!] (RED)

 
my sole mate? one mate? ;)
i love you<3

and don't forget, cuddling in my bed and playing footsies. ;)

Forever, babygirl♥
 
Posted by catherine cocaine™ [PXC] [AJe!] (RED) on Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 3:41 PM
[Reply to this
Silly Sally

 
Myspace is so annoying.
Sorry posted three times babe :]
 
Posted by Silly Sally on Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 10:59 AM
[Reply to this
Big Red Panda is a HERO!
Adam Burke

 
holy fucking hell
...i dont even know how to respond to this. i dont have the slightest clue of who you even are but still through your words and your imagry and your feeling... i know you. this is one of the most beautiful and mind opening peices of literature that ive ever had the pleasure to read and i just want to say...who ever you are where ever you are, what ever you feel and what ever you see
i will hope to be there next to your beauitiful soul.


you can go your whole life thinking that you have a way with words and then u reach this epiphany(probably bad spelling*). your mind is blown wide open to the fact that there are millions of people feeling and seeing and experiencing at the same time. Not the same thoughts or the same feelings but still simultaneously creating the memories that will be with each of them forever.


dude yer frikkin cool and were sooo gonna keep in touch

luv peace n' chicken grease,
adam¥
 
Posted by Big Red Panda is a HERO! on Thursday, November 20, 2008 - 2:57 AM
[Reply to this
catherine cocaine™ [PXC] [AJe!] (RED)



Last Updated: 12/9/2009

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