I didn't write any of these. I just got the funniest ones and put them here.
The whole collection can be found at http://dobi.nu/yourscenesucks
Oh & don't lie to yourself, you're in there somewhere.
this guy is single-handedly responsible for the
commercialization of your favorite bands, childhood television shows, and quirky indie
movies. his other favorite shirts include such witty sayings as... "i saw your
mom on myspace," "the voices in my head are telling you to shut up," and
"can't sleep... the clowns will eat me!"he can't commit to single trend (no permanent hairdye
or real tattoos) because it all changes so quickly. despite his willingness to
follow whatever trend his favorite store features that week, his shirts always seem a year
or two behind the times.
you know your favorite band
is no longer part of the underground once this kid starts hawking their merch.
just when you think things couldn’t get much worse than electro-ska, black
polka metal, or christian punk, the crunkcore scene comes along and makes everything else
look perfectly acceptable.
the crunkcore movement is one that seems to be a brilliant marketing strategy by some sort
of modern day lou pearlman who learned to tap into the brain of misguided emo kids who
don’t know where to turn. there is no way such a genre would evolve organically,
someone had to have made a conscious marketing decision to create one of the worst
crossover genres of all time and throw it on myspace to see what happens.
to sum up the stylings of crunkcore, it is a horrific combination of two genres that were
bastardized and declared dead several years ago, crunk and screamo, only now with overtly
sexual lyrics directed at 7th grade girls. with that said, you can use the following
recipe to create your own crunkcore band…
2 ¼ cups t-pain vocoder
4 tablespoons of angst ridden white teenagers
2 sticks of bowel inducing screams
3 teaspoons of shuttershades
2 cups fake bling from vending machines
12 cups of lyrics that would give brian peppers douche chills
205,809 myspace friends
somewhere on the back of the miley cyrus tour bus the guys in metro station are thanking
their lucky stars that bands like brokencyde came along. the crunkcore wave is to dance
pop what 9/11 was to gary condit and his missing intern.
she more closely
resembles a warrior from mortal kombat than an actual human being. tattoos cover
every inch of her body, facial piercings obscure her features, and the subdermal brass
knuckle implant wards off anyone who doesn't take the body mod lifestyle seriously.
small children burst into tears when she walks by, and aunt beverly has trouble
recognizing her at family reunions.yes, she might look like something out of hellraiser, but that
doesn't stop her from posing nude at suicidegirls.com. thank god for the altporn
audience, because no one in the "real world" would hire her- not even the local
gas station.
as soon as she gets her
first sg paycheck, she's rushing out to get that earth crisis facial tattoo she's always
wanted.
this bro has gone through every possible scene phase in the past few years, so he
reverts back to hip hop- which he vaguely remembers being cool in fourth grade. signs of
his previous flings with the "scene" are still apparent in his plugs, hidden
tattoos and the swoop haircut that resides under his fitted cap.
inspired by icons such as pharrel and jay z, the faux hip-hopper runs his own urban
streetwear line that mainly consists of googled images and all-over gold leaf printing.
references to drugs, pop culture, and blatantly copyrighted images are a must.
he proudly displays his $800 bape hoodie which is, unbeknownst to him, a fake. his shop of
choice is karmaloop.com, and frequently spends way more than he is worth on
limited-edition nike dunks.
although he favors hip hop and lists his ethnicity as "of african descent" on
myspace, he resides somewhere in portland and plays drums for a metalcore band. to make
things worse, the faux hip-hop scenester doesn't know a single black person and fears for
his life when one enters the room.
in a scene flooded with jet-black hair, piercings, and eyeliner, this spunky dude is
a breath of fresh air. unfortunately for him, he looks just as silly as his contemporaries
and appears to be suffering from an even worse identity crisis.
one could argue that he might be the male equivalent of rainbow brite. his wardrobe
primarily consists of brightly-colored american apparel products. this might be acceptable
and even cute for a teenage girl, but for a 20-something guy with hairy legs? this is a
problem.
it doesn't stop there! he appears to be reliving his childhood; he embraces nostalgia in
the form of retro video games, ninjas, robots, dinosaurs, 80's icons, and anything with a
moog synthesizer.
despite his uber flamboyant appearance, his nostalgic tendencies, and his dedication to
pop-punk prepackaged for preteens, he does have one masculine quality: a crush on
paramore's lead singer, hayley williams.
sadly, she is nine years his junior.
this utterly useless scene queen is internet-famous for no apparent reason
other than the fact that she looks like a clown and is as naive as she is colorful.
she claims that she invented fashion trends like stripes and becomes furious if anyone
“steals” her hairstyle or any of her other patented looks. making it a point to
hunt down anyone who has a similar style and subsequently spending countless hours
chastising others, she still can't help but wonder why she only has friends in the online
world.
the scene queen boasts that she is buddybuddy with fellow myspace icon jeffree star, but
outside of gender-bending 15 year-olds, who really cares?
like most "artsy" girls her age, she has dreams of being a fashion designer and
attempts to pass off bedazzled trinkets from michaels as jewelry. all that she has truly
mastered is the art of manipulating mindless fans into buying her cheap junk through
endless blog postings.
do mommy and daddy really know what their little girl is up to when she really should be
doing her homework?
he doesn't drink,
he doesn't smoke, and premarital sex? well, maybe. unlike his nerdy scenester
counterparts, this guy takes care of himself. his daily exercise routine consists of
50 roundhouse kicks, performing windmills until his shoulders give out, and at least 10
minutes of mock stage dives into his parents pool.
he's from a rare breed of the hardcore fan; very few exist past the age of 21. due
to their adolescent abstinence, guys like this often lose all signs of their former
"posi" attitude and become raging alcholics. awkward doesn't even begin to
explain how difficult it is to explain "edge" tattoos to chicks at the bar.if you want to contact him for
crucial mosh tips, don't hesitate to IM him at xedgextilxdeathx
oi! this reject attempts to relive the spirit of ‘77 but, alas, was born in
‘91.
as a lover of music that revolves around the poor and working class, it only seems fitting
that this street punk resides with his parents in their greenwich, ct mcmansion.
like most in his scene, he doesn’t know the first thing about politics aside from
what his father brings to the dinner table. he has a strong stance against fascism, racism
and sexism even though he has no idea what any of those terms truly mean. this punk firmly
believes in anarchy, but this does not stop him from posting all day on the
rupert-murdoch-owned myspace.com.
although his lifestyle may seem to embrace rebellion and individuality, the pseudo-punk
spends plenty of time ensuring that his leather jacket is adorned with enough studs and
patches to look just like those of his friends. he claims to be ambivalent about what
anyone thinks of his looks, but he will go out of his way to put elmers glue and five cans
of hairspray into his liberty spikes so they can stand as tall as possible.
when asked about his fashion, he will firmly attest that clothing does not define a punk.
rather, the offbeat form of dress is simply a sign that encourages unity and deflects
negative nuisances- which is, ironically, how everyone else views them.
with more gaudy accessories than a williamsburg
thrift store, this gal uses her daddy's credit card to stay hip! she is an art
school dropout and has no intention of furthering her education. rather, she aspires
to become a hairdresser one day; beauty school, here she comes! please note: this
will not actually happen.
her taste in music taste changes based upon what's being spun at
whatever club is trendy that week. dance music is her absolute fave, but her friends
have no idea about her checkered past.
once a ska queen, she now
works as hard as she can to preserve her fashionable hipster image by mimicking the
incoming trends, and immediately ditches anything that might have been cool two minutes
ago. this behavior prevents her from forming any individual identity whatsoever.
she aspires to work in the
fashion industry, and she will- folding clothes at old navy for the rest of her life.