There are certain things the mind doesn't know that only the heart understands. These are usually the things we know in our minds are wrong and hurtful yet the heart pushes you to go on feeling the wrongness and the pain. We as humans are naturally masochistic in every which level possible. Some of us humans think more than feel and usually just brushes off the pain. While some feels more than think and just embraces the pain. Even when the pain is already staring at you in the face, we often just look right past it and just see through it... we still choose to feel. It's probably a matter of convenience... emotional versus physical... it's more painful to forget the pain than go through  with it by continuing to torture ourselves and look pain in the eyes... we probably even make friends with our pain at times... that when it finally disappears, a huge gaping hole is left in our chest... something... some part of us feels empty. I should admit that this just sounds absurd, crazy, pathetic. But what do you really  decsribe someone feeling an utmost desire and longing  for that one person who's simple picture in your head just  keeps pinching off tiny pieaces of your heart, making it beat faster and fight, making your palms all sweaty, or your mind go in  whirls of wind? How do you describe that? Absurd, crazy , pathetic. Right? Sometimes I feel I attract all that is "wrong" and "inappropriate" and there's really nothing I can do  to repel it. So I run. I run away from it. (Yes Ale, go ahead and slap me now. I concede.) That's what I do. I run. That's who I am. I'm a runner. Maybe because I am a big coward. Whenever somethings gets too complicated or entangled that I didn't want to be a part of, I run because I can neither face it nor hide from it. What choice do I have?

So I guess it should be simple to understand my behavior. I'm really not a psychotic freak. I just choose to live with my pain and be happy with the happiness I see and feel around me... doesn't mean I have to be as giddy as them. My life is complicated as it is and I probably need a therapy session or two. So don't judge me. Don't blame me. Don't make me feel worse than I already feel. So what what if I give them all up? So what if I end up alone with myself? As long as they all end up happy and I end up, what else should matter? Why should my happiness be relative to theirs? I'm not that selfish.

If you're asking what's my point... well I don't really have any. I did not intend to make any point. I just want to blabber and get this out of my system. :)