isnt funny how people are so disfuntional together yet they still love eachother. sometimes  it seems it will never work. but it could never work apart either. ugh idk. i guess im going to be talking randomly. but seriously. there is this one kid who is one of my best friends for a while now. but its just so disfunctional. so off and on. and times i think he hates me and could do better off with out me. and thats how he portrays it. but i guess he really feels the same as i... miserable in an argument. i know i have issues just as much as anyone. but i have always walked the line. its a line, straight and narrow. sharp as a razor, cuts right into you when you walk it long enough. im always bleeding on that line and i wonder sometimes why i dont just step right off and walk in the cool grass. maybe im just stuck. or maybe my heart wont let me. whatever it is its not leaving anytime soon. though i think now he's left for good. maybe not. i still feel maybe he will still come back as usual... maybe this was the last straw. i guess it might take another year to find out. im looking forward to see that its just another disfunctional part of our messed up relationship. and not the end. my life is just not interesting with out the little arguments even tho i hate him for it. we blame eachother for everything. maybe its humans seemingly palpable need to dislike someone other than themselves. its not only our fate to be like this but our business. and once we have become human... its futile to attempt a picnic in Eden. idk even know how i feel right now. im happy and depressed at the same time. maybe its that knowing its all over but the hope that it will retrace its steps... play back time. i feel like going dancing in the rain with a bunch of random ppl who randomly know every dance move like in the movies and singing like a rockstar. and then crying because im cold... everyone dreams of this perfect relationship... how boring is that??? i dream for days to be wonderful and then something being disfuctional as well. its real. its meaningful. it has something. its not life. its not worth fighting for.  i wonder whether this kid will ever read this... i wonder what he will say or not say. so in all this i got a new hair cutt today. most ppl like it. looking for something new and exciting in my life. seems to be the same old day in and day out. being a senior this year and deeling with colleges should be fun... not. making a life changing choice is not something i consider fun. getting a new shirt or haircut on the other hand... i want a new pair of shoes... anyway... i get surgery on wednessday... completly elective. wish it was lypo... i have band on monday and tuesday tho. should keep me someone busy. oh ugh its like one in the morning. im not tired... and im bored. i want to go out... to perkins. and get some blueberry pancakes and make a new friend.... i feel like being spontanious... didnt spell that right... everyone is in bed. or i would blare music and dance ridiculously untill i warm up... and untill i laugh so hard i cry. gosh i cant wait till college. a whole new life. new people. new begining... its hard now but once it starts i think ill love it. just to get out. seriously anyone want to go to perkins? ill race ya... just kidding. id take the new car... :) i think i have had a change of attitude... or maybe someone drugged me and i didnt know it... thats something to sleep on... thats if i go to sleep tonight. ill probably stay up till my mom gets fed up with dads snoring and she comes out here to sleep in the chair... then ill be forced to leave. ill just walk to perkins... so back to the disfunctional relationships... i want mine to follow me home again... like a puppy dog... whom i miss my dog greatly... anyone want to start back up a messed up friendship with me??? and go to perkins... :)