I don't know what has gotten into me lately.
I spend so much time studying, hanging with friends and keeping busy - only in fear of having to think of you again. It might seem a little mushy, especially since I'm not the type of person to talk about feelings. But sometimes you have to overcome your pride, your safety guards and just let it out. If some of you people reading know who I'm talking about, keep it to yourself. I trust you
I keep telling myself that I only liked you for four months, but it just hit me that it's been more than a year by now. Wow, can you believe that I've been walking around for a year with the thought of you in my head? From what people say about 'love' and 'feelings for others' they can both drive you to do the weirdest things. Maybe it's even crazy that I'm still alive.. Love kills - that's what they say too, yeh?
I don't know why I call it love. I, who claim to have never been in love, and maybe I haven't. Maybe I WOULD be dead if it was actually love. I would just like it to be love, cause then.. if I die without meeting anyone else who makes me feel this way, I know that I at least felt it once - even though it was unhappy love; which I guess is just a side detail. Maybe all 'love' is a happy love. At least I felt happy for a while. Maybe I was happy for the first 4 months and that's why those are the only ones I recall. I don't know, but it sounds reasonable, don't you think?
Ahh, it would've been great if you were inside of reach. But then again, I would've been too insecure or too big a dork to do anything. You put a smile on my face when I needed it the most. Your random jokes, horrible dancing and cutting laughter made my days when the sky seemed gray. It's funny how I thought I knew you - but never really did. I guess I just made up the parts of you that I didn't know, to be what I wanted you to be. It was unfair, but it made me happy for a while. Probably the longest while I can remember.
I won't cry tears over you, cause that wouldn't be fair. You don't even know that I exist and less do you know that you hurt me... kinda. Maybe I hurt myself more. I fell in too deep and only have myself to blame. I knew it was gonna hurt if I let my emotions get away with me, but I thought ''to hell with it, I don't care''. It bit me in the ass on the long run, huh?
I'm not sure what to do from here on. I don't even know if there's anything to ''get over''. Maybe the first step of moving on is to realize that it won't work nomatter what. I wish I could erase you from my life, but I just can't. I know that I will weaken and seek back to your fields eventually.
With this, I just want you to know, that even though u left my heart on the floor, you still made me happy for a while. You made me want to get up, get going and come home to you. Every minute of not being around you was torture, and every silent hour was a breaking one. I wanted to comfort you and fight all your battles. I wanted you to know, that even if the whole world was against you, I would be on your side. I would hold your hand and wipe your tears. I would laugh with you, cry with you, hold you and do whatever in my might to make you smile - even just for a while.
So yeah, you won't ever know. But that's okay, because I know. I want to keep this memory as it is. Nothing less. Even if it was just an illusion of my wishful thinking, it still brings out a spark in my mind when I think back on it. But life is not about thinking back on things, it's about moving forward and getting somewhere. I can't hold on to you like sand when you keep disappearing between my fingers. All there's left is a vague illusion of what I wanted us to be. Together. Happy. You and me.
Even if you never taught me what it was like to be loved, you taught me a lesson that I shall cherish, and I wanna thank you for that.
I hope you and your girlfriend will be happy.
I wish you love
I wish it true
That's the best I can do for you... ♪
NB; If any of you know who I'm talking about.. Keep it to yourselves. I trust you to do that.