I kinda like it, the flows a bit off for me, some of the rhymes stangnate the piece and I feel some of the repetition slows it down. Be aware of over used phrases but it definately has potential.

C x

Maybe it's because I have spent most of my life on that thin line.....This poem moves me more than just about anything I've read. I am so honored to have come across such a brilliant writer. I look forward to reading more of you work and to hopefully become a better writer myself, as a result. Thank you for sharing you wonderful gift.

She showed me many things
though both of us were blind
You've gotta stop looking
if you wanna see sometimes
While all amidst the rain, the sun's still in the sky
with blackened clouds beside all the shades of blue
And all amidst the pain, there's still a feeling deep inside
All that shines in me are all the shades of you
on this thin line, on this thin line of mine

It's a beautiful poem and i think it flows well, the sometimes off rhythm is good because it supports what you are saying about the thin line of love, it makes the poem more alive. However i feel the rhyme scheme is not important in comparison to what you are saying. You write so eliquently. This poem really does depict the fragility of being in love and the pain of looseing it. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and this completely captures exactly how i have felt and am now feeling. I really like the line " It;s funny how we hold on to love just to let it die." That could be a famous quote one day :) Take it easy and keep writing .... keep in touch

Jenny x

Shit I love it,   it flows and it defines, magically rhymes

It's a piece of you. 

"But I just thought of freedom
and the shackled pain it brings
I'm imprisoned either way"  WOW 

killer piece man.. friends arent real friends you realize your mask is broken no more disguise..dwelling on the memories .dwlling on the pain they bring me still have my enemies dont need this shit she puts on me, still have my dignity regardless of what she did to me.. ill never trust again.. ILL NEVER TRUST AGAIN! today i draw a "fine line" between friends and those who prentend to be mine

oofs where did that come from...sorry

The flow is there, if you know how to flow with it, I truly enjoyed your pices, the simplicity of the wrods so that it didn't go over any heads as well as the content.   Keep up the Great Work!!

Ms. Remy D

Okay fingers are going crazy this morning.  I enjoyed your piece and the words were to my liking.  I had a whole lot of typos in the last comment. Please forgive.

I'm with the Ogre man on this one... Writing from the soul is what genuinely matters...

I walked around the house

Chasing a mouse,

Dressed in my imperfect blouse...  Blah

To capture moments or events and paint a picture in the readers mind that provokes their imagination is a gift.  One that you have in abundance...  

You got the beat goin on. It's that kind of rhythmic flow. The beat.

I loved it. It is a thin line and you expressed it with style. You experimented with form and I really loved that as well. Just excellent.

Love

Soph

OMG... you really put some real ish into perspective... some obvious truths...but its the most obvious we look past as irrelevant... awesome read... I enjoyed this piece very much ...

kumo

I asked her why she bled
for nothing had she said
I waited longer but she spoke the same
She showed me- as she led-
the dawn at dusk in red

For this I have no words but thank you.

A very human statement Jon.  Your poem tells a story - one many can relate to.  That alone, makes it a success. 

"Only part of me's alive
While most of me is dead"

These words, intentional or not, to my mind illustrate the collective consciousness on our planet.  We will continue to walk the 'thin line' between love and hate, until we understand the meaning, of Love.  I enjoyed it....very poetic.

"I was never afraid to die
I was just afraid to live alone"

that is so beautiful...Some things you never really think of until someone else shows them to you...that would be one of them. Loved it.

I like the rhythm and texture of your poetry. In this poem, I especially like the line:

"All that shines in me are all the shades of you"

Will certainly be reading more.

Take Care. ~Autumn

That "clouded storm approaching" image is so powerful.  I've seen it a lot or something similar in many poems but with the seraphs and broken winged angels it turns and draws my eye toward a more inward sky.  The girl in the poem now seems more, more like a spiritual soul mate than just a lost love. Especially with the add in of you 'falling' at times.... Real deep turn here sir.  And spinning the 'let go into a bitter freedom' is real bitchin' as well.  Maybe, if you don't mind I'll write one today with the bitter freedom theme too....anyway, message me if thats okay.  If not thats cool too.

Very cool write.

Loved the poem love your style I can relate to being on that thin line. The pain of letting love go physically, yet it still remaines inside. only part of me's alive, while most of me is dead. Oh how I live that every day!

It's hard to live and hard to love, it's hard to just survive on this thin line, on this thin line.....But for all we know letting go would help us stay alive ooooooh never have truer word been said it's like you wrote this poem for me. Looking at the other comments though I see that there are many of us on that thin line one way or another. Yoou are a wise youg man for our age. I thank you for opening a door for me. This is my first time commenting on a nother poets work. I am reading through your work and enjoying and experiencing much. Have you taken a look at my writtings yet? let me know what ya think 

Thank you

Dreque

WOW!!! I WRITE POETRY, BUT I DONT THINK MINE IS THIS GOOD!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I'M GLAD YOU ADDED ME AS A FRIEND!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND GOD BLESS

~ARVIN

A true poet doesn't worry about rhyme reason or flow, they write with their heart and soul. You my friend have done just that and it shows. You have written a masterpiece here. many many kudos.