As we sit on the brink of Opening Day, poised to embark upon another fine season, it's a good idea to take pause and consider what lies ahead of us.  Over the next 6+ months, your everyday actions and routines will have a great impact on the fates of baseball.  You need to be conscious of when and how you do things, especiaally when the Twins are playing.  One false move, and you could end up causing the hometown nine to surrender the tying home run or bounce into an inning-ending double play.  -And no one wants that.  I am, of course, talking about the awesome power of superstition.

Some people wear rally caps.  Some people pray to their deity of choice.  Some people try to neutralize Nick Swisher with love.  Some people even pin their hopes on a rally monkey.  Heck, I've even been known to place a hex on a Travishafner or two...  -You do whatever you need to help your team win.

There is one ritual of superstition, however, that has proven itself to me time and time again.  It is a weapon of tremendous power that I first learned about 2 years ago when reading the ancient baseball scrolls of the internets at TwinkieTown.com.  Legends told of a dessert treat with the ability to alter the outcome of a game.  -A provision as delicious as it is deadly.  This powerful controller of fates is known as the Rally MaltCup.

I found much information regarding the dominion of the Rally MaltCup.  However, it did not come without a warning.  MaltCups are indiscriminate.  While the MaltCups do contain great power, they lack direction.  As a result, the wielder of the Rally MaltCup must take certain precautions to ensure that the MaltCup does not end up hindering the very team that it is intended to help.  The writings contained specific notes and warnings concerning the use of the use of the Rally MaltCup.  Through trial and error, I have been able to refine these into a set of rules that, if followed properly, can focus the Rally MaltCup's power to near omnipotence.  For the sake of Twins fans everywhere, today and for future generations, I would like to disclose these rules in hopes that MaltCups may always be used correctly:



1. Respect the Rally MaltCup.  Too many people just buy a MaltCup and swing it around like it's a toy.  It's not a toy.  It's a dangerous tool that must not be taken lightly.  Make sure that everyone in your ballgame-going group understands the power contained inside that little plastic container.  A MaltCup is a MaltCup is a MaltCup is a MaltCup.  It cannot be blamed for the power it wields.

2. Rally MaltCups are only to be consumed when the Twins are at bat.  The MaltCup is a beacon of offensive magic for whoever is hitting.  If the Twins need a run, it's MaltCup time.  If the Tigers are up in the top of the 7th, close that lid.  Should I see Magglio Ordonez crack a bases-clearing double to make it a 4-run game, I will blame the fool eating the MaltCup.

3. Wait for the 5th inning.  The Twins might fall behind early, tempting you to quickly turn to MaltCup support, but don't give in to temptation.  The Rally MaltCup isn't fully charged until later in the game.  The 5th inning is the earliest it can have any real impact, and studies have statistically shown that the MaltCup is at the height of it's power between the 6th and 8th innings.

4. Vendor MaltCups are best.  While it is true that MaltCups can be found at the Field Fare, the free-roaming MaltCups are more potent.  The ones at the concession stands have been rounded-up.  -Captivity reduces the MaltCup's abilities.  This is even more pronounced when you purchase a MaltCup from your local grocery store.  The strongest MaltCups are the ones found in the wild.  -The ones that find you.

5. Don't.  Spill.  Your Beer.  Always good advice.

6. The type of spoon used during consumption does not effect the MaltCup's power.  Some believe that the little wooden spoons best cultivate a positive MaltCup effect.  However, in my opinion, this is hogwash.  I've never seen a reduction of MaltCup power due to the use of a plastic spoon.  Besides, the stupid little wooden twigs can't reach the bottom of the container without getting your hand all full of melted chocolatey-maltiness.

7. You must only consume one MaltCup per game.  Overuse of MaltCups is not respecting the MaltCup.  You get only one shot to eat a MaltCup.  Strategize; wait until the Twins need the MaltCup's help.  You don't want fire your ammunition too early and end up staring at a bad situation with no MaltCup availability to save the day.  Should you then crack open a second MaltCup, you run the risk of backfiring the MaltCup's powers.  A second MaltCup introduces an unstable element that puts us all at risk.  It can cause players to be injured, negatively impact future games, and even not taste as good.  Eat only one, and eat it slowly.  If you do it right, the MaltCup can last over several innings.  Also, keep in mind that this rule applies to each individual fan.  Multiple people can consume multiple MaltCups, but only one per person.  You could decide to have a MaltCup in the 5th and have your friend save his/her MaltCup until the 7th in case another is needed.

8. Rally MaltCups are to be used only when your team needs to score in order to win.  This means that you shouldn't be eating a MaltCup with a lead.  If the game is tied, or the Twins are behind, that's when the Rally MaltCup works it's magic.  Occasionally, it is acceptable to consume a MaltCup with a very small lead that looks like it will not hold up, but be very careful.  Eating MaltCups with the lead can be seen as an abuse of power and can have the same impact as eating a second MaltCup.  No one wants to see an injury, a big comeback by the opposition, or a 4-game losing streak.

9. Finish your MaltCup.  This is very important.  Uneaten MaltCup bits are the greatest source of negative MaltCup karma known to man.  They lead to freak injuries, clubhouse instability, and other random, destructive events.  This is not widely known, but the secondary power of the Rally MaltCup is actually cosmic chaos.  Generally, the cosmic chaos works with the offensive magic to greatly increase the probability of scoring.  It's the reason that Alex Rodriguez might throw the ball away, leading to 2 unearned runs.  However, if the cosmic chaos is left unchecked in uneaten MaltCup bits, a player might try ironing a shirt he's wearing or a pitcher might attack Gardy's door with a bat or something.  Beware the wrath of the MaltCup.



If everyone follows these simple rules, they Twins will surely go 81-0 at the dome this year.  Unfortunately, the vast majority of fans know nothing of the proper use of a MaltCup.  This means that even if you and everyone in your group adheres to these rules exactly, there is still a significant chance that uneducated MaltCup use will thwart your efforts.  Ultimately, though, there's nothing you can do about it.  All we can do is respect the MaltCup and its rules.  -That and pray others will do the same.