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Current mood:  content Category: Automotive
Me: Hey buddy, ya ready to go for a little drive?
The Benz: We'll see...
Me: What do you mean we'll see? I need to get to the store before it closes.
The Benz: I meant we'll see... I don't know if I feel like going anywhere right now, it's cold and I've only got a half a tank in me.
Me: Well, I really don't think that this is up to you, but
how about I let you warm up for a couple of minutes? And maybe I will
get some gas on our way home?
The Benz: You can try and let me warm up, but I'm warning you, I'm gonna screech like a banshee for the majority of the ride.
Me: What? Why would you do something like that?
The Benz: HEY! You know I need new belts.
You've been neglecting me for months!
Me: You know I've been busy. Why don't we go for a drive and catch up a little? Listen to some music, like old times.
What do ya say?
The Benz:Fine, that does sound pretty nice.
Let’s go!
Me: That's more like it!
As we pull out of the drive way The Benz begins screeching wildly, while simultaneously sputtering and backfiring.
Me: Alright old friend, this is ok, We can just turn up the music and get through this together.
The Benz: Oh yea, The C.D. player is broken.
Me: I hate you.
Are you tired of driving the same old
car like everyone else? Can't afford an SUV? Parents refuse to buy you
another car? Well, you can easily solve these problems and find
fulfillment through possessions with my Guide to Building a Street
Machine! In five easy steps, I will show you how turn that boring old
Honda Civic into one hip and sporty hot rod!
Step 1: Buy a spoiler
For those of you who are ignorant
to the laws of physics, a spoiler redirects the airflow around your
car, preventing the front end from lifting up during high speeds. The
added aerodynamics also have the benefits of improving your car's
maximum speed and gas mileage. Now I know what you're saying, "But only
race cars even need them! How could I get one for my own Civic / Saturn
/ Model T?" First off, you are wrong! Secondly, you are stupid! Thanks
to modern technology like the microchip and the laser, scientists have
figured out a way to allow even the cheapest and slowest of cars to
reach speeds far above that of your ordinary "race car".
As an example: My friends decided to buy an Kia. The dealer
told them that, for a small fee, he could install a rear spoiler. If
you're thinking that the dealer was trying to rip them off, you're
absolutely right! By not offering the spoiler as a standard feature,
they would have to pay extra for this fuel-saving device. In their
ignorance, they decided not to buy the spoiler, and while leaving the
car dealership in their brand new car, the damned thing flipped over as
soon as they took it over 150 mph! Let their deaths be a lesson for
you: the modern car is incapable of safely reaching its highest speed /
gas ratio without the added aerodynamics of a rear spoiler. If
possible, also buy a front spoiler, a side spoiler, and an
undercarriage spoiler. It's better to be safe than sorry.
Step 2: Install a giant muffler / tail pipe
Many
so-called "informed sources" will tell you that to make any significant
improvement to your car, you will need to buy things like intakes,
cams, and engines. There is, however, a much better way to speed up
your car then opening the hood, which often contains many vague, dirty
things underneath it. The key to speed is the tailpipe of your car. You
see, as the engine runs, it makes tiny "speed particles" that move
backwards out of your car, forcing it to move forward. By making your
tailpipe wider, it is easier for these speed particles to leave,
preventing them from staying inside your car and clogging your
sparkplugs and air conditioner. I recommend a tailpipe at least big
enough to fit a small horse in... not that you'd ever need to, but it's
best to be prepared. Also, I recommend adding a second exhaust pipe to
your car. This will mathematically double the maximum speed of the car.
There's no reason to stop at two, of course. Simply go to a local
mechanic and tell them you will give them obscene amounts of money to
widen your car's exhaust pipe. Be warned, many mechanics will try to
rip you off if you seem like you don't know a lot about cars, so show
them you're "in the know" by telling them you will also give them money
to rotate your axle manifold fluid. After you've got those widened
tailpipes, you will notice an immediate improvement in how fast you
think you're going. As an added bonus, your car will sound much louder,
allowing people in neighboring cities to know just how fast your car
is. If you can't afford a wider tailpipe, try removing the muffler of
your car. You will receive similar benefits, and it will make your
engine sound like a race car's.
Step 3: Tinted headlights
This little tune-up can
turn the dorkiest of cars into futuristic road machines. By tinting
your headlights, you're telling people that you aren't just some other
loser with un-tinted headlights. You are a hip and street-savvy racer
with dark headlights. You see, those dark headlights add a sense of
mystery to your car, and to you as well. Many fine auto parts stores
carry tinted headlights, but you can always do the job yourself with a
permanent marker. You can also use markers to tint your windows and to
get high. Make sure you have enough markers.
Step 4: Buy an awesome stereo system
First off,
remember that a car's stereo system is not designed to play music. It
is designed to attract people's attention so they can see how cool your
car is. There is only one word you need to know to get a better system
for your car: bass. For starting out, I recommend at least five 12-inch
subs. For someone who wants to go "hardcore" or "kick it up a notch" I
recommend the "Bass of Doom", a large box installed in the trunk of
your car that periodically detonates large pieces of C4 plastic
explosives. Now, realize that the strong bass you need will make it
impossible for you to actually listen to music, because even playing
"Children Nursery Rhyme Classics" will cause your entire head to
vibrate. I also suggest you get a really cool deck with a multi-color
display and detachable face. Neither option really does anything
useful, but when you're going for the look, you've got to get the whole
look. After all, you can't look like a pimp just by wearing purple
pants and carrying a cane. The same goes for cars: your car can't look
like a pimp just by wearing purple pants and carrying a cane.
To really show off that bass, I suggest one of two choices.
1.
Play "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys on a continuous loop. One of
the guys at my old high school does this, and is by far the most
popular employee at the 7-11.
2. If you are uncertain of what to buy, just search for key words like "Hip", "Gangsta" and random letters like "D" or "G".
I
talked to Billy, a kid who lives on my street and has a really cool car
with a kickin' system. Here's what he had to say on car stereos.
Me: "Hey, Billy, what advice can you give on what kind of stereo to buy for a car?"
Billy: "What?"
Me: "What kind of car stereo should I buy?"
Billy: "Huh?"
Me: "WHAT KIND OF CAR STEREO DO I NEED?"
Billy: "What? Stereo? I don't want to buy your stereo, man.
"
Me: "Should I get an amp?"
At this point Billy walked away to steal some of his father's wine coolers while picking food from his braces. He's so cool.
Step 5: Window decals!
I'm sure most of you have seen
these decals. They're large stickers that span the top of your
windshield and have ultra-hip and cool phrases written on them. You can
never go wrong with getting one that has your car's brand name on it.
That way there will be no doubt in anyone's mind about what brand of
car you are in.
But, if you really want to look cool, I suggest you
get one of the three phrases I found on some cars at my old high school
parking lot:
"Fear
This" - That just says it all. Combining this sticker with tinted
headlights is an excellent way to make you and your car look dangerous.
The tinted headlights add mystery, making it impossible for anyone to
see what kind of headlights you have. The decal tells them that they
don't even want to know and should probably regret even thinking about
it.
"Nightcrawler" - I'm not sure what exactly this one means. I
remember hearing about 2 different nightcrawlers. One was a blue elf in
the X-men comics whose super power was having three toes and a tail.
The only other nightcrawler I know of are those big worms you can use
as fishing bait. Who cares what it means, "Nightcrawler" is still a
great phrase for your car. It implies that while other motorists are
asleep in bed, you and your car are crawling through the night like a
giant termite or a man with no legs who has to go to work during, uh,
the night. That you are doing this at night implies that you are wild,
active, and perhaps even a bit dangerous. You see, girls like dangerous
guys, and they also like the vulnerability of someone who is
handicapped.
With this sticker you get the best of both worlds!
"Team
Lightspeed" - This is my favorite decal. Just read it out loud. I mean,
how cool does that sound? It sounds like the name of some top-secret
crime fighting organization that doesn't play by the rules. If they had
these back in the 70's and 80's, you can bet Mel Gibson would have had
one in his car when he made the Road Warrior movies. The word
"Lightspeed" shows everyone that your car is really fast, and "Team"
lets everyone know that you fit into a really secret group that they
could never be in.
Summary
When working on that ride of yours,
remember two key things: make it louder and make it stand out. If you
can find a bright yellow spoiler taller than your car, then by all
means, buy it! If you can find neon turn signals, pop those in too!
Whenever you drive by, people will notice your car, and wish they had
one just like it so they could be like you! Just the other day, I heard
Frank (the drunk guy on my street who's always yelling at his
girlfriend) say, "Look, there goes Billy in his little car. Gee, I wish
I had a car just like his so I could wake people up at 3:00 in the
fucking morning!" Well, by following my steps, people will envy you
too, just like Billy! So, now that you finally know how to fit into
society despite your countless personal shortcomings and faults,
remember that you have me to thank.
12:03 AM
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