This is a response to comments on my last post and other emails that I've gotten in the last few months.  It's a rant, mainly. 

I am not "beating myself up" in the "wah, I gained two pounds" normal way.  I feel like I am in the depths of an eating disorder.  This eating disorder used to rear it's ugly head only once every couple of months, and I'd have a raging 3-4 day binge, but be able to control my diet in order to lose the weight and get back to where I needed to be.  It is not like that anymore:  I eat uncontrollably for one day, the another and another and I do that 3 or more days per week.  I then eat obsessivley well for the remaining days of the week.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I just blow the whole week. 

I am just in the beginning of figuring it out. Literally OA Step One.  It is not easy.  I have to think about my food totally differently.  I'm buying different things:  things with fat and real sugar, to help me get off of the bad artificial sweetener habit.  I am also trying to buy real food for my lunches and snacks.  No more Lean Cuisine (for now).  I'm cooking actual chicken breasts and slicing real fruit for my lunch.  I'm trying to find foods that are satisfying, but that don't trigger a binge.

This may be hard for some of my readers to understand but this is not soemthing that I can let go of.  I can't help but obsess.  If I don't obsess, I become depressed.  When I become depressed, I eat. 

Again, Step One says that we admit that we are powerless over food and that our lives have beome unmanageable.  That is how I feel, unmanageable. The powerless over food part is very challenging still:  if I'm powerless over food that I can't try to control it.  Do you understand how difficult that is for me?  I'm upset now just thinking about giving up the power that I try to have over food. 

Today I feel fine.  But I still haven't even tried to get dressed. 

And to respond to Stories comments about my weight:  I am currently the weight that I am when I graduated from high school.  But at that time I was 10 lbs overweight.  Now I want to get back to where I am happiest and where my clothes fit right and I feel best in them.  And that weight is 140.  And I don't mean any thing mean or nasty or hurtful by my next comment, but I know that this weight is thinner than what some of my readers are or may ever be.  If you cannot relate to what I weigh, please relate to what I say.  And please don't be offended as I have never meant to hurt anyone with any of my writing.