i was looking at my about me while high just now, and i could FINALLY see the breaking point in the train of thought, where it really stopped being an about me and became about We, in the "royal", encompassing-all-as-one sense.  per your tauntings, i have cut this and replaced it in a section of my Space™ where no one expects to be able to read about all that i have to teach you suckas.  guaranteed nobody even knows how to cut and paste this into legible text, some people are just lucky and have their internet fonts pre-formatted.

oh yeah, and this actually does nothing to explain my wannabe antichristness.  except inasmuch as that's one of many good ideas i've had and could stand to test.

ahem:

"about me"

-a fairy tale from a less cynical time

by Nick Stauner





Dedicated to Molly Hill

ok, nobody asked, so let me try this one more time:

I am a prophet; or at least an almost-genius, that much has been proven.  i intend to live forever in one way or another, and hope to help others join me.  my ethical imperative is to increase the complexity of the universe through creativity.  i trust myself more than anything else; but love everything as much as I can manage to appreciate it: cuz lets face it, life kicks ass.  i may be the sanest, most rational person you ever learn of; yet i am often very confusing to others.  Now if only people would just ask a freaking question instead of assuming they know everything (which even I don't nearly, strive though I do) and that i'm simply not making sense...Everyone I've met seems to think I'm a little crazy; but as Dave Chappelle says, "No one is crazy.  That's dismissive."  I am actually pretty damn good at explaining myself, and everything else vicariously, inasmuch as I have experience.  My experience being limited, I am "imperfect," but a realistic perfectionist nevertheless, for the sake of having an endless path to travel, if nothing else.  perfection is only attainable as a rate of progress toward the unattainable and perhaps imaginary state of "perfection", according to my "realistic" ideal. 

My modus operandi is to spend my time improving myself by:
exerting constructive, progressive influence in my family and community;
recognizing my failures and successes (and those of others) equally, individually, and completely; and learning and understanding the limits of existence and its constituent laws.  

I have recently discovered many laws in my own life that I must now disperse to others' lives, as a test. 

For example, and to wit: ideas are like viruses.  Some are benign, and many self-replicate within the host brain, spreading thence through airborne communication.  The main distinction is that all are inanimate and practically noncorporeal; though surely they are given some physical manifestation in the configuration of our neuro-networks.

Ideas are subject to natural selection only if they spread.  (I'm forgetting other criteria, but this is technical enough already...)  Since natural selection is (at least one of) the best critic(s) of entities, I intend to expel my ideas, or creations as such, like "Adam and Eve" from "Eden" (or as i would prefer it, "as existence from chaos"), to stand on their own, or perish in successive generations until they do.  This is my path to responsible power and/or fame, hence influence, hence omnipresence, hence omniscience, hence omnipotence, hence immortality/death, hence my ideal version of realistic deification: the end result being acknowledgedly two letters shy of a scatological pun...and perhaps not without reason.

Having now surely established my apparent insanity to most, let me say the following with whatever authority one deserves as a BA Summa cum Laude (pending graduation within the month) with a respectable education in personality, social, cognitive, AND abnormal psychology (not to mention behavioral genetics and drug psychopharmacology, though those may admittedly have their respective influences in my identity):
my only, marginally plausible disorder diagnoses are those into which anyone could be potentially lumped.  I occasionally wonder particularly about schizo-NOS, or type 1(?) psychopathy, because my harm avoidance (MPQ-Constraint subscale) is rock-bottom and I'm essentially fearless; but then I do consider myself a zen-buddhist-samurai/ninja-poseur/wannabe, and most people seem to idolize that mindset similarly, so I seriously doubt there's anything psychologically wrong with me, besides perhaps a touch of the megalomania that comes with the limitless territory of the life of a highly creative and potent, if somewhat socially undesirable individual. 

Seeing all blame as lying in common with all participants in any event in which blame arises, I blame society as much as I blame myself for our mutual incompatibility.  I expect to change both myself and the collective along the path to their reconciliation and permanent peace, my penultimate real goal in my natural life.  I expect to come hurriedly to this end by the frailty and impotence of my body, RELATIVELY healthy and virile though it may be.  My end will probably come unwelcomely early, due also in part to the dullness of my own wit in attempting to cheat death, prophet of rationalist theosophy(?) though I may hope to prove.  Yet I think my youth and inexperience are sufficient excuses for the unresolved disparities between my optimistic ambitions and pessimistic expectations. 

Therefore I for one possess the will to grow ever older, so long as I can do it as efficiently as possible in the pursuit of my aforementioned goals.  I could probably will myself to age a million years if only I knew how. 

However, I understand my own limits as those of my potential, hence I accept every mistake made as impossible to have avoided, even as I resolve never to repeat it.  Thus I am at peace with myself and all of existence, so long as I can retain this awareness.  I am happy, content, independent, self-sufficient, and more stable/mature in these qualities of personality than most people I know, if not all.

I consider my primary obstacles in achieving my realistic, ideal equivalent of "nirvana" to be karmic and jnanic (i.e. matters of jnana...?).  My bhakti, or "faith" in these and other such principles I've adopted is near absolute.  I only really maintain my universal doubt even on such seemingly solid philosophical ground for its own sake, and the dual purpose of humbleness and preparedness.  I am after all much better (or at least more formally) versed in existential psychology than in epistemology and logic.  However, my dilettantism in these and other esoteric sciences, particularly cosmology and evolution, lend my self-doubtful nature further utility. 

(Hey, there's another potential diagnosis: inferiority complex...?  Nah, I kick hypothetical ass and that's all there is to it...and then some, I mean.  Seriously though, just try me.  Best 2 of 3, I'll take anybody on in anything worthwhile, if twice w/ formal rules of engagement, including a no-permanent-danage guarantee / insurance for round 1.  Yeah, uh, that's right, too bad I don't have health insurance right now...too bad for yo' ß¡†¢h@$§ that is!  Sheeit...)

Self-doubt turns me outward where others continue focusing inward, overemphasizing bhakti to the detriment of overall marga.  (i.e. karma & jnana as distinct but equal and related prerequisites to nirvana...?  i'm kinda tossing word salad right now...but there's a number of pretty awesome ideas behind it all, and I CAN ALWAYS EXPLAIN ON REQUEST dammit!  Surely "God/Jehovah/Yahweh/Allah/Buddha/Brahman/Satan/Odin/Zeus / The Creator/Origin / Alien/MIB Boss-Man / 1/0/etc." / anybody ACTUALLY READING this knows i could use the excuse to become less of a fake theology/mythology [seriously though, is there a difference?] knowitall...) i intend to achieve my own fascimile of natural nirvana by living as nearly in fully aware accordance with my beliefs as I can, taking into account the limits of my ability.  the elusiveness of the limits of my ability are at once a blessing and a challenge to my peace of mind, because my optimism about my potential and my will to use my power responsibly allow me more options in life than I can easily choose from.  while my life is wide open in this regard, it is yet very conflicted.  i see problems everywhere, or at least room for improvement, and feel in myself the ability to change most anything.  though this gives me endless hope and love of life, it also disposes me to experience anxiety, frustration, and a constant impulse toward overexertion of one form or another.  i'm constantly pushing limits, making mistakes, and struggling to improve.  it may not be the best thing for my peace of mind in the short term...but it seems to be the most reliable path to the greatest, most stable peace achievable in the long term: to reconcile my beliefs with my identity, i must learn the implications of my core ideology for all its applications in my life (to improve jnana), and do my part to apply my understanding through constructive, responsible exertion of my power (to improve karma).  as i grow more comfortable with this process, i hope to experience progressively less cognitive dissonance, and a more stable sense of inner peace (improvements in bhakti?) that essentially simulate nirvana as i understand the idea.

I attempt to promote complexity in the universe by following my aesthetic method: to originate, experience, learn, understand, verify, improve, challenge, promote, integrate, complete, and perpetuate.  This method being one of my most recent ideas, I hope to apply it to the principles constituting my cognitive construct of logic and model of existence.  I've been all over the place in my past with my ideas; having now originated, experienced, learned, and understood a great number of my own ideas, I now intend to test them for survival fitness by spreading them, not unlike viruses, across the world.  Cosmology and evolution suggest to me that this is akin to an act of creation on my part, as an instrument of society; or at least my greatest potential contribution to it as an individual.  Ideas, like viruses, evolve, particularly it seems by growing more complex, abstract, logical, and/or general.  These qualities of ideas seem to beget emergent properties in the host mind, such as intelligence, resolution of cognitive dissonance, peace, creativity/inspiration, happiness, even humor (if you would recognize my twisted sense as such).  If this is so, such a theory certainly sounds original enough to me.  (After all, I personally just flossed it out of my ass this very moment!  Seems if ya sit around and watch enough TV, shit'll happen sooner or later.)

I am something of a mad scientist in the risks I would take (and may yet, so-help-me-anybody) to test my ideas, if fame, fortune, faculty, and/or the facilities were to empower me too quickly and easily.  Yet perhaps my awareness of the dangerous temptations of power makes me sane even in this regard.  I am before, above, and beyond all else overcautious in matters of such importance, for the worse at least as often as for the better.

Still I love my overcautiousness, even though it consistently sabotages my love life, social skills, potential influence in the near future, and self-satisfaction.  I believe my mistakes / battles lost in these arenas have only strengthened me for the long haul / war of attrition in each by helping me avoid all the pitfalls associated with the alternate paths I might've taken instead of my past as it lies.  Though I am still very naive and callow in some ways, I believe I have fully understood my experiences thus far, missed out irrevocably on very little, and benefitted greatly from fully owning this perspective as a solitary, mildly alienated outsider. 

I grew into this mold as an only child of rather avoidant, undersocialized, even somewhat significantly traumatized, yet highly intelligent, perceptive, creative, loving, and supportive upper-middle-class cheeseheads.  I've recently begun to feel myself growing up and out of this mold, becoming once and for all my own man; yet I will always remain the child of my parents, the boy they raised, and the son forever indebted to them together by love and life alike.

However, I've been a bit drunk on and reckless with my own power lately.  Having just two months ago inherited my art, Joedo, the "Clawless Way", after the departure of my eponymous cat, my Raisei, Clawless Joe Stauner, R.I.P., I've also inherited a sense of authority, independence, and potency.  I've tested it thoroughly on many endeavors thus far already, and foresee failure in only one thus far (perhaps you know who you are...forgive me but everyone else probably knows too, as I've been talking about you too much in your absence and my resultant silly heartaches).  I am therefore quite busy even now with overextending myself in innumerable directions, some even unmentionable!  (And believe me, I'm never one for secrecy, except as practical matters of personal security and/or friends' confidentiality...which may soon become issues if someone doesn't get me a legit use of my time, and damn soon!)  My power knows few limits, hence they must be tested; but I am aware of how irresponsible this may be in the long run.  For instance, I really REALLY R-E-A-L-L-Y ought to be working on my thesis right now, instead of writing my freakin autobiography at age 22...I guess I just got a lot to get off my chest tonight, before I can really rest and prepare for my radio-silent multi-nighter.  Social psychologists call it self-handicapping; I call it prioritization.  Too much shit goin down lately; and really, there's ALWAYS too much shit goin down anywhere and everywhere, it's just a question of how much responsibility we take for it as observers and participants.  I've probably been taking too much lately; but I think now is as good a time as any to see how much responsibility I can REALLY handle, before I get myself fully entangled in any full-time jerbs/positions/careers/enterprises/missions/romances/obsessions.  Right now, i'm more or less between a couple/few of each, and very anxious to dive into one of each, if not just ONE for each and every category...especially the last two...*ahem!*  But I'm also the only thing holding myself back from eating and sleeping and getting my goddamn thesis written and in on time so i can actually earn that fancy-ass degree I referenced above; so yeah, I think I'm going to shut up and do that real quik.  Alive and updating by the end of the week, hopefully.

As for other relatively objective indicators of my personality people might be interested in...(That is, if they happen to know what the hell i'm talking about, or can muster the time and willpower to move their eyes and fingers around just a little bit more and FUCKING ASK A QUESTION!  BTW, yes, this is what kind of professor I'm going to be...but hey, at least I'm not asking you to read any books right?  I mean, you could always do that too...dictionary.comhttp://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=logophile">dictionary.com> is a good site too.  it'll give ya one proper diagnosis for me at least.  :P )