One of my male readers (they DO exist) sent me an email asking me, "just what is it that women talk about when they go in groups to the bathroom? What's the big secret?" While I have never been in the ladies room during one of these "meetings", I can, and will, spill some of the things they don't want us to know.
She wore that low-cut top so you'd notice her chest. You really don't think that short skirt and generous display of cleavage was an accident do you? I mean, a woman would never dare look in a mirror before she left the house. She wants you to gaze upon her breasts like the works of art that they are. So not only is it OK for your eyes to drift down, but it could also be a deal-breaker if they dont. The only thing is: You can never be caught staring. I know women that have "first date" tops, totally revealing, and they make a little game out of watching you try to avoid looking at their boobs. But if you don't get caught taking at least one peek, you could quickly be labeled gay. So remember this. Noticing her breasts: very good. Staring at her breasts: not so good. Actually conducting a conversation with her breasts: bad.
She wants you just as much as you want her. Just because she isn't slowly licking her lips while being mesmerized by the bulge in your pants, it doesn't mean she isn't thinking about treating you like the pizza boy in a bad porno. Because maybe, she is hungry for pizza. Or maybe she's even hungry for you. In fact, if she's just met you or you've been dating for a while, she's usually wondering, "When are we going to stop talking and start getting naked and sweaty? I would really like to work off that pint of Ben and Jerry's I polished off last night." Women are just better at hiding it. You would be shocked to learn how many of the cute, sweet-looking girls you run into at bars all want to get laid as bad as you do. They can get crazy frustrated when there's too long of a gap in-between sexual encounters just like us. Sometimes women want a man the second they see him. And they can spend massive, unhealthy amounts of time fantasizing about having sex with guys they barely know. Does one of those guys she "barely knows" sound a lot like you? Bingo, dude. When you meet a new woman, assume you're the right guy, but without being cocky. Don't share that clever play on words. Instead, just meet or beat her mild expectations, and you'll be delivering her pizza by midnight.
She masturbated sometime this week. Think you're the only one choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, punching the peacock and making really lame jack-off metaphors? Women give themselves a hand almost as often as guys do,
(TIME OUT: Pausing to consider this lovely image)
A national survey of 10,000 - 18-35 year-old women revealed that they masturbate once a week or more. Vibrators play their wondrous part, but the typical weapons of choice are fingers and showerheads - specifically showerheads still attached to the plumbing. In fact, a woman may have been pleasuring herself on your subway ride this morning. Many women can do it fully clothed. Crossed legs provide great friction. They can do it on crowded buses, airplanes, and the bikes at the gym. Your best move: Watch densely populated areas for a woman whose eyes are rolling backward. As she starts to scream, introduce yourself, because when she's thinking of sex, you want her to be thinking of you.
She's screwed up when it comes to relationships. Popular thinking says that guys are relationship-challenged, while women are born with a relationship gene (located next to the shopping gene). Nothing could be less true. Except the part about guys. And shopping. Most women are as skeptical about love and as insecure about their intimacy skills as men are. So, YEE-HA! You don't have to be perfect because she's a mess too, right? Well, not exactly...but keep in mind that all women aren't experts at planning couple-ish things, knowing when to say just the right thing, or bringing up the issues. So cut the girls some slack, if things aren't going the way you want them to go, feel free to take the wheel and turn the corner. Then find a dark place to park.
She waxed her bikini line or the whole show before your first date just in case. The rationale? Hey, you never know- this one might sweep me off my feet and into his bed. And she de-fuzzes more than her legs. Chances are, she also cleaned her apartment, changed her sheets, and tucked the economy-sized box of pregnancy tests way in the back of her medicine cabinet. Even if you don't have sex, you may sleep over, so she plans for it. I have one friend that always buys a new container of OJ, eggs, and bacon, just for the potential of the next morning. So guys, check out her sheets, check out her personal grooming, and check her fridge for OJ - he could be in there looking for the REAL killers. If all is in place, she could be planning on having sex with you, or she could be planning on eating breakfast.
She's interested in a no-strings relationship, too. It used to be that this was strictly male territory. But modern girls fight for their right to freak out at the prospect of monogamy as much as you do. She doesn't want to commit to Mr. Almost Perfect because Mr. Perfect could show up next week. Plus, what happens if all the romance and passion disappears once you're officially boyfriend/girlfriend? And then there's the fear of having to sacrifice the nice little world she's created for herself - career, social life, Monday nights without football. This is one of the reasons girls like the bad boys. They're so unavailable, there's no risk of having to settle down with them. Well, that and their wives are always around the corner.
She gets off on quickies. Long, languid, lovemaking sessions are all good and fine. But more women than you think crave it fast, furious, and foreplay-less. A lot of women love the feeling of being taken "right now". Throw them on the bed, frantically rip off clothing and give it to her hard. Just not ALL THE TIME. Believe it or not, women get tired of being nibbled on endlessly. She is not a wheel of Brie. You are not a mouse. Unless, of course, she smells like Brie and you're wearing big black ears. I'm just saying...
She wants you to pay. Forget feminism or the fact that she makes buckets more money than you do. First date, you pay. If she offers to go halfsies? It's a trap, dumbass. She's only offering you money just to see if you're the type of loser who'll say yes. You say you don't mind if she thinks you're a cheap bastard? What about a cheap bastard who's bad in the sack. There's a school of thought floating around out there that says how generous a man is with his wallet (and waiters) is indicative of how generous he'll be in bed. It may be just as much crap as the size of his feet, but some people believe that too.
She's worried about her love handles, not yours. The first time you get naked together, all (ok, not all) she's thinking is: Oh shit! The lights are on and he can see my cellulite! Or, He's seeing my disproportionately large boobs! (Yes some women consider that a problem. Very strange.) She's usually quite busy trying to get herself in a position that flatters her, like on her back - her stomach looks flatter, so don't argue with her until the lights are out - so she's not really paying attention to your body at all. So don't let your body stand in the way of a completely out-of-body sexual experience. She won't care if you skipped your ab-rolling for the past few weeks, or years, or lifetimes. Second penis? OK, she might notice that, but she'd only be happy for you both. Or the three of you. Or something.
She compares notes. Oh yes, she does. Don't worry - your lean to the left is just between you, her and her 12 closest friends. The ugly truth is that women talk, and they do so in anatomically correct detail. It's rarely benign. They WILL talk about last night with you - graphically - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then she'll come back to you portraying sex as such a sacred and private thing, never letting on that she's spilling the beans to the girls. And grandma. And the guy who cuts her hair. And that nice lady at the laundromat. And...ok, I'm done.
I know, I know....the female mafia just put a hit out on my informant.
What else goes through your minds girls??