Dear Dr. T. Brad,
My girlfriend and I broke up recently, but she keeps trying to get me to see her or come over. She says she wants to be with me one last time. It's confusing, because I really thought it was over. Can you help?
-Single Again?
Dear Single?,
Let me get this straight. You've broken up, and she still wants to have sex? What could be better right? I say BE CAREFUL. Sex is great any time, but with your ex, there's the slow-withdrawal thing. And it's better if she weren't trying to sucker you back into a relationship and/or didn't start crying and tell you to get out halfway through the act. But who's being picky here?
Here are some scenarios you should watch out for and how to handle them:
Ex-Sex Scenario #1.
You ran into her at a bar, got hammered and before you knew it…
THE DEAL: Don't worry too much. You were drunk. She was drunk. Things happen. Chances are she was thinking what you were thinking – booty call – and no more. Oh, except she was also thinking, "What the hell was I thinking?!?!? Oh God, I wonder what he's thinking." That's a LOT of thinking. Give her two Advil, and don't call her in the morning.
HOW TO PLAY IT: Like I said, don't contact her again. Maybe she won't remember why your Budweiser key chain is in her bed and think it was all a horrible dream.
Ex-Sex Scenario #2.
She wanted to talk. You talked. She cried, you cried, you kissed her, then before you knew it…
THE DEAL: STOP! You're making me sick, you spineless schmuck. You fell right into her trap. This is the oldest one in the female book. And there IS a book. Oprah has it. I'll bet that at first she was angry and then she softened. And that she had all your stuff packed up in a box and then started going through it and reminiscing. And that she was wearing something low-cut, too. Am I close? I bet I am. She played into your basest impulses, hoping to press the RESET button on the relationship. Game Over.
HOW TO PLAY IT: Afterward, she's going to want to talk. Sound familiar? It should. It's the same crap you fell for the previous night. Under no circumstances should you get together again to talk. No talkie in person. Talkie on the phone if she must.
Ex-Sex Scenario #3.
You dropped off some of her stuff, she invited you in, then before you knew it….
THE DEAL: So you tried the old "let me drop off your stuff" trick and it worked? Good job. No tears, no pesky emotions – just "stuff".
HOW TO PLAY IT: If you bring back the goods one shoe at a time, she'll think you're hoping for reconciliation. So it's up to you to decide if that's what you really want. Nine times out of ten, you should spare yourself the Sex and the City plotline and move on.
Ex-Sex Scenario #4.
You split weeks ago, no regrets. Then you saw her out on a date with a guy who looks like a genetically altered supermale – part linebacker, part surfer, part model. Flash forward a few days and before you know it…
THE DEAL: This is a classic case of not wanting your Playstation 2 anymore because you got a shiny new Playstation 3, then giving it to your friend, and then, as soon as you see him addicted to it – reliving the good old times, knowing how it used to work just right, caressing it oh-so-gently (yes the Playstation 2) – you've just GOT to have it back.
HOW TO PLAY IT: By getting in the way of her new life, you've sent a clear signal that you made a mistake by letting her go. So if you don't want to be in a relationship with her again, you'll have to turn her over to the big, hulking goon you saw her with. And be tormented by pictures of their sweaty, heaving bodies every time you close your eyes.
Ex-Sex Scenario #5.
You broke up. And slept together. And vowed to never do it again. And did it again. Then broke it off, and then, again, before you knew it….
THE DEAL: We want what we can't have – it's human nature. There's excitement in the chase and in not knowing whether you'll actually get her into bed. And once you actually do get her into bed, the makeup sex is spectacular, as long as she doesn't start weeping in the middle of it. Unfortunately, every time you reconnect, then disconnect, you feel that choking feeling in your chest. If only you could stay connected all the time, the world would be a better place. Though you'd get a lot of leg cramps.
HOW TO PLAY IT: This arrangement usually fizzles when one or both of you falls for a less-screwed-up partner. Yes, they exist out there somewhere. Where? I'm not sure. Keep looking chief.
Had sex with your Ex? How did it go?
The LONG overdue Dr. T. Brad with answers to all your questions will follow next week...