If you could care less what I’ve been up to – skip the first paragraph and go to BLOG BEGINS HERE:
Oh my…it has been WAY too long!! This will be an interesting study in just how many of you still like checking in on me and my madness. If any of you are interested, I’ve been writing (the kind that pays the bills), doing my weekly show as well as others here and there – I’ll be at the Kitty Kat Bar this Friday night if you’re local and want to come see me – It’s in Baltimore and the show is free and starts at 10PM. Just go to http://www.screwballoutlaws.com/ for all the details. I also wrapped up a fantastic season with my little leaguers – we went 11-1 during the regular season, undefeated in the playoffs and lost a heartbreaker in the championship game – but my kids are still champions and we all got big trophies.
BLOG BEGINS HERE:
My son turns 11 on Friday. E-L-E-V-E-N. Not that 11 is some great milestone – but the fact that he’s turning 11 – and still damn near perfect – (i.e. NOT in juvenile hall, a mental ward or in the care of social services) is astonishing to me. I guess I’m doing something right. So yeah, I’ll take a pat on the back and little credit. But none of that is my point.
It’s time for the “talk”. You know, the “birds and the bees” stuff. By the way, I’ve decided that neither birds nor bees will be mentioned anywhere in my “talk” – where the fuck did that come from anyway?? I could understand if it was; “Son, we need to talk about the rabbits.” “Why the rabbits dad?” “Because they fuck a lot son. And they make kick ass vibrators.” That doesn’t just open the door; it kicks it in like a S.W.A.T. raid.
I feel the need to say that I have no fear whatsoever about the talk. Except for maybe deciding just how much to address in the talk…after all, I am training a young Jedi Master. (That was for you ..Preston..) But seriously, I have much to impart upon his young mind when it comes to all things female – but where to draw the line and decide what we will revisit later when it is more age appropriate.
For example – this whole topic came about when he was in his last week of 5th grade this year and he came home and announce they were having a few days of “sex ed.” Now I wasn’t shocked, but I was thinking, “ALREADY?” Yes, absolutely already. If you have kids and you’re doing your job monitoring their emails, texting, video games and what they are watching – they are MORE THAN READY at 11.
**Sub example** I was checking Ethan’s cell phone the other day and he had a voicemail from one of his 11 YEAR OLD buddies: “Hey Ethan, It’s ____ call me back you fuckin douchebag.”
I laughed. I’m sorry. It’s fuckin funny, I don’t care where you’re from. I have no fucking idea where my kid and his fucking friends get this kind of fucking language from…it’s baffling to me.
Ok, back to 5th Grade “sex ed.” I’m driving Ethan and one of his friends out one night to meet their “girl friends” – yes, if I make that one word and he happens to read this, I get in trouble. They start talking about the sex ed. Class they had that day:
Ethan: “Oh my god the girls are so lucky, they got the nurse – we got Mrs. Kesler. (his homeroom teacher) It was like Grandma talking to us about sex. Oh it was SO GROSS!!”
Friend: “Yeah she held up a garden hose and said “this is what your penis looks like now, but when you run water through it, it gets stiff”…it was so stupid.”
T. Brad: “Really? A garden hose? Did they show you how to use condoms by putting one on a banana?”
Friend: “Oh no, she said that is 7th grade and we practice with bananas and cucumbers. She also drew a smiley face on the balls of the penis diagram.”
Here’s the first part where I felt the immediate need to intervene in the county sexual education curriculum:
T. Brad: “Ok boys – I’m going to tell you something right now – and this is important – when you hit puberty head-on in the next few years – if you are at all expecting your penis to resemble a garden hose, a banana or a cucumber – you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Typically, you should be thinking Ball Park™ frank – pre cooked.”
Later on I told Ethan that he most likely had nothing to worry about – bananas are within reach.
So you see what I am dealing with? I can only imagine if I just left it at garden hose and smiley balls that my son’s first stop on his way to his first date would be the Home Depot for some gardening supplies and a Sharpie™. She unzips his pants and he pulls out the marker – “What are you doing?” she asks. “Isn’t this the part where you write on my balls?”
Life and society are COMPLETELY different these days as opposed to when I was a kid. My dad actually never had a “talk” with me – and no thanks to him, I figured things out pretty well. It just goes to show you – never underestimate the value of a Penthouse Forum and Cinemax Sex Ed. Program. Mostly Penthouse because I always referred to Cinemax as the “furniture moving channel” – the sex scenes were always shot from the waist up and every single scene looked like the guy was pushing a desk across the room. At one point, I wanted to become a professional mover. I like pushing desks across the room - but not big 80's hairy desks...
This is getting long, but I reserve the right to revisit this topic later…after we’ve had our first talk.
What did your parents talk to you about? (If they even did…) Any idea on what you plan on saying to your current or future kids? Have ya missed me?
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