PORTLAND, Oregon – Police have arrested a suspect linked to the mysterious death of Nine, a neighbor described by residents as "a quiet individual who enjoyed helping children with math."
Seven, whose age and address were unavailable, was arraigned Monday following a week-long investigation into the murder of Nine. While police refused to provide more details of the killing citing respect for the victim’s family, the conference confirmed rumors of an autopsy report that indicated Nine had been cannibalized.
Last week after receiving an anonymous tip, police found the body of Nine at his home. The following day, rumors began circulating that Nine had signs of being eaten, sending the town into a frenzy. Local businesses closed yesterday in memoriam of Nine.
"We really felt we had to," noted one store owner who runs a bookstore specializing in nursery rhymes and puns and jokes. "Nine really meant a lot to the community. He’s been there for us just about everyday."
Phone records indicate that on March 2nd, a close friend of Nine attempted to call him in hopes of alerting him to the threat on his life. According to police, the friend, Six, had left several messages on Nine’s answering machine warning him that he considered Seven dangerous. Leading up to the murder, residents described Six as becoming more fearful of Seven, often leaving them to ask themselves "Why was Six afraid of Seven?"
Prior to Nine’s death, Seven had been described as acting erratically and annoying coworkers and friends with counter-intuitive multiplication tables. "He was being very weird. I think feeling like an outcast finally got to him," said Ten, a self-described close friend of Nine. "Two syllables is really strange to a lot of people."
"It’s hard to believe Seven ate Nine," said one resident who refused to be named. "Seven was a part of our community for as far back as I can remember. It really shocks you to think something like this could happen so close to home."
It’s unclear what the prior relationship between Seven and Nine had been and no motive has been given as to why Seven would target Nine. As for the allegations of cannibalism, whether it ends up being true or not, it’s clear the incident has affected this community.
Seven is set for a hearing on March 18th.
P.S. Yes, every once in a while I like writing parody. I know, it’s quite the deviation from my usual condemnation of America.