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Current mood:  rushed
this is moreso for me, instead of others. and i am definitely not striving for great grammar or captivating language or beautiful flow or any of that today. :)
i do feel as if i'll explode; i just ate at golden wok. :)
i still can't believe i'm eighteen. i've been so for almost a week but it hasn't registered yet. if i want to i can go out and buy some cigars and a lottery ticket and get a tat. and yet i'm bored. lol. :)
all i can say is, i absolutely cannot wait until graduation. i'm really trying to get motivated to lose some weight for it but i just can't get into it. :/
aside from that, i seriously CANNOT WAIT! not only does summer beckon with its allure of no homework, tons of trips, and virtually no rules, but next fall i start college. and THAT is more exciting than the entire summer and graduation together.
in college, i want to be more extroverted. my life is literally consumed by school - learning and homework and tests and just the overall workload ate up almost two years of my life. but...i really don't have regrets at this point. i just want a change. and of course i don't expect college to be easy-peasy. but, my first year should honestly be easier than what i have now, with four AP classes. going from that to classes in the 100s/200s and freshman seminar? hah. and yeah, there's more freedom, but i've had basically all the freedom i've wanted for the past eighteen months. i just didn't utilize it.
i know this all sounds like bullshit, and most of it is. it's hard to explain what i really mean at this point (my brain is fried from school) but i just cannot wait to go to college and regain a social life like the one i had back before i dated trey (not that it was him, he's just a good reference point). back then, going out six days of the week was the norm, compared to now when i don't do much at all because i'm so busy with just work.
at college i hope to reinvent myself. in a way.
for all my friends in 4H with me, they know my true self. they know i'm wild and goofy and love to just do whatever. on the other hand, most of my friends in school see a stressed me who never has time to do what she wants to anymore (minus latin class last semester; that was just great. i'm surprised i never got in trouble in that class). not to mention i'm not the best at faking a relaxed stance, hence why i have the horrible social awkwardness at school sometimes.
so basically i hope to be more true to myself and lighten up in school, even when i have all the work in the world. i know i could do this this year, but it would be hard, especially with the workload increasing, stress building, and ap exams getting closer. i just want to throw myself into my work for the next two months and then bask in the joy of having it done with. over the summer i will have a chance to relax and get comfortable with myself and lose weight to the point that i feel really good about myself. plus i am taking out loans for a car, since i don't have to take out much for school at this point. :)
i am anxious for change. i truly am. all the hobbies i have, from making jewelry to cooking to hiking to camp counseling to sculpture and weaving and etc etc to etc etc etc etc. (there are a ridiculous amount) i can really just enjoy in about two months. best of all, i can finally have time to hang out with my friends who have so patiently waited for me to get some free time. jeez. :D
not even kidding guys, i'm ecstatic!!!!!!!!!!! :DDDD
anyway, so we started reading a raisin in the sun today. and i loved that langston hughes's poem was in the front, probably has some deeply analytical connection with the book or some other silly literary thing; haha.
ridiculous amount of work to do, so i'll have to end it here. i hope this clears some things up for some people (you know who you are). i really haven't been trying to be so antisocial, but there's only 24 hours in the day. when you need about 27 to finish all your work you have, let alone hang out with friends and just enjoy yourself, it can get uber stressful. i really do try to make time for my friends :)
ahhhhh how i dream of freedom...
i thought senior year would bring it...becoming legal would bring it...graduation may not even bring it. so for now i suppose my dream is deferred.
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Dream Deferred
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
-Langston Hughes
8:24 PM
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