[Most of this is just me venting.. Just recent stuff thats been on my mind lately.]

Part of me is a little bit skeptical about going to college in August. I want to go; I'm excited even! But I'm afraid.

I always have trouble opening up to people and I definitely have problems trusting too..  But once I do I'm the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I give great advice, I'm always there to talk if anyone needs anything.. I guess I might even get too emotionally involved. Idk. I always have my friends best interest at heart.. Or more like whats best for them. I dont want to see any of them get hurt, you know?

But I'm tired. I'm starting to feel like I dont even want to bother making friends at college because I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of being put in the middle of situations that are between two people that I care about equally. And I'm tired of disappointing people too. I just dont want to do any of it anymore. I'm starting to put up a wall, and that scares me. I can't let that happen because its going to drastically change who I am. And I like me; most of the time.

Dad says I need to let things go. I dont know how. I never have. I will sit and think about thinks so damn much that I drive myself absolutely crazy!

Did you know that in the last two years I've lost two of my best friends? One each year. I tell myself it was for the best. Especially since I now see what type of people they've both grown to be. But still... two friends?? I was alright with losing one, but now I feel like part of me is missing because there is a whole person missing from my life now.. So how do I find that missing part of me again, without bringing back that person that I had to cut from my life?

I know I will be fine at college. And I'm sure I wont have any trouble with the friends thing. I'm a much smarter person than I was a year ago. Two years ago, even. So now I will better know what to look for in people..From now on, I think the very minute I listen to my "friend" saying nasty things about people they hardly know, I'm going to tell them I cant be around them anymore and walk away. Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later so that I dont care much.

Okay well, I think I've done enough rambling for today. Maybe in another day or so I will post another blog about my boring troubled life.. Who knows...