Natural selection is broken.  Wealthy douchebags would not exist if natural selection were in correct working order, and the reason is this: They wouldn’t be wealthy in the first place.  Nature would have spotted the douchiness well before they had the opportunity to make any sort of money.  Caveman would have seen Douche-Caveman being douchey, and gone over and clubbed him and dumped him in a cave.  Well, maybe it wouldn’t have solved the problem completely, but it would have kept douchebaggery well below manageable levels.  The reason for this, as I see it, is that asthmatics live.  That means, that somewhere back in caveman times, a caveman or two with asthma had to have skirted through the selection process, because some of us have asthma now.  The fact that there are so many asthmatics now, as opposed to thousands of years ago, is because we’ve created the means by which less selectable individuals can thrive.  So, a few people with asthma survived until the life-saving medicine was invented, and then even more asthmatics (like me) were allowed to thrive rather than become extinct. 

I want to state here though, before being misconstrued, that I am not saying handicapped people should all be killed for the betterment of our species.  What I am saying is that maybe the next time you see a Jersey ‘bague passed out drunk and lying on his stomach, don’t turn him over onto his side, just let nature run its course, let it make its selection.    

What I’m proposing, Mr. Obama, if you’re reading this (Which, undoubtedly you are.  You’re welcome.) has three parts. 

First, make an executive order that forces all douchebags to wear a Jagermeister patch in a clearly visible location on their clothing.  Then, round them up, drop them off on a nearly uninhabited island in the South Pacific.  Lastly, liquidate their assets and divvy them up to any U.S. citizen making less than $45,000 per year.  There’s going to be enough, I promise. 

Now, I understand that douchebaggery is relative, and not a constant.  There are degrees of it, much like there are in karate.

I myself use to think Brad Pitt was a douchebag, but have since changed my opinion of the man.  So, as part of your next economic recovery plan, I’d like to suggest the creation of a permanent government committee (Suggested name: Commission on ‘Baggery) to vote on which members of the U.S. citizenry are guilty of douchebaggery, to supervise their exile via CCTV cameras located on the island, and to put up to vote which members of the douchey exiled  In its last role, it will act sort of like a parole board. 
have been reformed.

Not only will this Commission on ‘Baggery  help aid in our economic recovery through the creation of several jobs, but it will also continue the historic tradition of firsts that your administration has began by being the first federal commission to have an apostrophe to signify the omission of the word “douche.”  The omission is to carry on the Democrat tradition of political correctness.

One question you might have of me, would be, “Why after more than a decade of talking about the importance of personal freedom, do you think it ethical to strip the personal freedoms of other members of your species?”  Well Barack, the answer isn’t an easy one.  I don’t believe it to be ethical in the slightest.  In fact, I find the very suggestion of it to be morally bankrupt.  So, how do I justify it?  How do I reconcile my mostly Libertarian political views with such a suggestion?  I can’t. I can’t reconcile it at all.  I guess it’ll just have to be one of those things that bothers you about me, sort of the way Liberals irritate me with their anti-death penalty/pro-abortion outlook.