Dear Mr. Rooney,
You've been doing "60 Minutes" for a long time. A long, long, long time. This marks your 28th year contributing your segment, "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney" on the venerable magazine/news show…longer than I've been alive. The segment has become famous because of your dry, caustic wit and unapologetic opinions. Also, and this has only occurred to be recently, your segment has in large part inspired the work I've been doing in these blogs for the past couple of months.
I mean, we're basically doing the same thing, I think. We're both way too opinionated, over confident blowhards, spewing our completely unwanted diatribes at a general audience that has absolutely no reason to care what we think about anything. However, with all due respect, I've noticed recently that your opinions are becoming more and more…well…let's say, not very well thought out. And given our similar styles, I thought it would be fun to have a little "Point/Counterpoint" with you here in this blog. So I've taken just a sampling of a few of your most recent gripes, and given a response. Enjoy.
Andy Rooney says: "I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."
You know, Mr. Rooney, this little passage reminds me of something my little nephew JD is always saying to me. He's always telling me, and I quote, "WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAAH!" Unfortunately, unlike young JD, I'm guessing sticking a bottle full of formula into your mouth won't cause you to instantly stop this whining, though I can't be sure. Being a minority makes you a victim of nothing except numbers? The only truly discriminatory things are the United Negro College Fund, etc etc? Fantastic! That'll be a huge relief to all the black businessman denied promotions because of the "White Boys Club" controlling just about every major business, or the black families who've lost loved ones to crazy KKK members who've killed them solely because of the color of their skin, or the Hispanic couple denied the right to rent at a certain apartment complex because they "don't fit in with the rest of the tenants" and blah blah blah…it doesn't matter, because Andy Rooney has declared that it's all good. Hundreds of years of hatred and mistrust brushed completely away by a man who looks like a shaved lawn gnome declaring discrimination is dead.
Oh, and by the way, Mr. Rooney, there IS such a thing as Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, Miss White America, and the United Caucasian College Fund. They're called Time or Life magazine, CBS/NBC/ABC/Fox, Miss America, and 90% of all scholarships and government grants, respectively.
Andy Rooney says: "Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
Oh, well played, Mr. Rooney. A perfectly executed "Guns don't kill people; people kill people" argument. And, to be fair, it's true. People do kill people. But, see, here's the thing: People usually kill people…WITH GUNS!
You argue that you can kill people with a baseball bat, but nobody is trying to ban those. Now, I'm just an old-timey, backwoods, country lawyer with nothing but a third grade education to get me along, but seems to me there's a reason for that. And that reason might be, oh I don't know, that baseball bats actually have ANOTHER PURPOSE BESIDES KILLING PEOPLE. Yeah, believe it or not, baseball bats are traditionally used to hit baseballs. The ability to kill people with one is just an unfortunate by-product. You can also kill people with knives, cars, torch-welders, and anvils, but killing people isn't the primary function of any of these items.
Guns, though…a little different. Guns are designed with the express purpose of…drum roll, please…killing people. That's all they do. So those pasty-faced liberals aren't just aggressively trying to ban every object that could conceivably be used to kill someone…they just want to ban the one object that does NOTHING ELSE.
Andy Rooney says: "I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion."
Oops…okay, I have to admit, I actually agree with this one. Believing homosexuality is wrong is just an opinion, nothing more. Nothing to argue here, so I'll just use this space to put down some other opinions I happen to have. I think that if a big, fat, ugly woman is standing in my line of sight, blocking my view of a hot chick, I should be able to tell her to get her fat ass out of the way. That's not insensitive of me, it's just my opinion! I also think Asian people shouldn't be allowed to drive, because let's face it…they suck at it. That's not racist, it's just my opinion. Also, I think if I'm REALLY horny, and it's an emergency, that same hot chick from the first opinion should HAVE to give me an H.J., just so I can get through the rest of my day. That's not sexist, it's just my opinion.
Yes, Mr. Rooney, you are perfectly allowed to have any backwards, idiotic, ill-conceived opinion your bushy eyebrow-ed head can stir up.
Andy Rooney says: "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!"
Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy. Do I even have to do anything with this. Okay, I will. You don't want to look at someone's ugly infected mouth when you get your food? Seriously…you REALLY want to go on about physical appearances, looking the way you do, and being on NATIONAL TV?
I thought not.
Just as a final thought about all this, Mr. Rooney, have you ever noticed that the majority of people that have these ridiculous, hate-filled, whiney baby temper tantrum like opinions are REALLY REALLY REALLY old. So old, in fact, that they're most likely going to die soon, leaving the rest of us in piece.
I'm not being mean. It's just an opinion.
Truly Yours,
Timothy J. Gage