…for my mind misgives

Some consequence, yet hanging in the stars,

Shall bitterly begin his fearful date

With this night's revels and expire the term

Of a despised life, closed in my breast,

By some vile forfeit of untimely death.

--Romeo, Romeo and Juliet, Act I Scene 4

Maybe I'm just weird, but there's something about being involved in a play that really makes me strongly feel that none of us are in control of our lives.  At least, not as in control as most of us think we are.  I think it's an inevitable by-product of seeing and experiencing the same events over and over again, night after night.

For instance, right now I go to rehearsal each night, and I'll be damned if I don't keep rooting for Romeo and Juliet to find a way out of their dire circumstances and live happily ever after.  But night after night Tybalt's pride, Mercutio's hot-headedness, the Friar's incompetence, their parent's stubbornness, and just plain good old-fashioned bad luck conspire to keep the lovers apart and end their lives.  It probably doesn't help that, in large part, the theme of Romeo and Juliet is destiny and how we can't escape it.  Still, seeing the same tragic events, linked together by the same poor choices or bad breaks, each and every night does make me wonder about the nature of control.

In fact, sometimes I'm convinced we actually have no control over what we do.  This isn't some "Sylvia Brown/Tarot Cards/Everything-Happens-For-A-Reason" bullshit issue, though.  I believe this lack of control comes from the fact that, like computers, we are programmed through a combination of genetics and societal influences to make decisions a certain way.

You're arguing with me now, probably.  You're saying, "Tim, computers are just machines incapable of making a decision."  You're wrong, though.  Computers make decisions all the time.  For instance, if you have a computer that runs virus scans on itself, as I'm sure many of you do, your computer is making a decision to open that program and perform the scan.

You: "Hold on, Tim.  I tell my computer when to run that self-scan.  I set that up in the virus scanning program."  True.  The computer is making the decision to run a virus scan based on something you've programmed it to do.  Are you any different?  Not really.  Our brains are essentially just organic computers.  Granted, they are fantastically complex computers; well beyond the capabilities of anything you can purchase at your local Best Buy at the moment, but regardless…just computers.  In fact, your brain makes decisions in an almost identical fashion as a computer: when faced with a decision, your brain, based on prior experiences, says to itself, "If x=y, then I'm going to z.  If x>y, then I'm going to m."  For example, "If I'm hungry, I'm going to eat.  If I'm not hungry, I'm going to surf the internet for porn and free music downloads."

Okay, that last one was a little "me" specific.

Still don't believe me?  Okay, how does this strike you?  There was a research study done by a bunch of very smart scientists who I can't tell you anything about because I'm not bothering to do any research for this essay…but I can tell you that in their experiments they noticed that the neurons in the part of the brain responsible for reasoning didn't fire until after a person had made a decision.  Meaning?  Well, if true, it means we make decisions first, and then assemble logical reasons for that decision after.  Not the other way around, as we believe.

I can see by your face you're still skeptical.  That, or you're undressing me with your eyes.  Or both.  Whatever it is, let me try one more argument.  Right now I want you to strip off all of your clothes, run bare-ass naked outside to the end of your block singing "I Touch Myself," and then come back and read the rest of this.

Go ahead.  I'll wait.

Are you back?  Bullshit you are, because you didn't go anywhere.  You didn't do it, because that violates a whole shit-load of your brains programming.  You're saying now, "No, I didn't do it because it's stupid."  But why is it any stupider than anything else we do?  It's not…it just isn't something you're programmed to do.

One of the most overused metaphors in discussing life is comparing it to driving a car.  You know, you're supposed to "Take the wheel" and "Put the pedal down" and "Life Is A Highway" and all that.  And when I think about this control crap, I imagine that metaphor…of life as a drive down a long, winding road.  Except, instead of being in an actual car, I'm sitting behind one of those fake, "Baby Car" play sets.  You know what I'm talking about?  The baby toy you set in front of them with the steering wheel and plastic shifter and little horn that "toots" when you press it?  You can turn that wheel and shift that shifter and toot that horn all you want…but it's not really doing anything.

Or…maybe I'm completely wrong.  Maybe we're in total control, and those scientists were just big frauds trying to get a little easy coed tail.  The way I see it, there's basically only two options:

A)    I AM in control of what I do, or;

B)     I am NOT in control…but I look really cool pretending, and it doesn't really matter anyway.

So, I guess until I'm presented with a reason to do otherwise, I'll continue cranking the little plastic wheel on my baby car play set back and forth…whether it's steering me anywhere or not.