Okay folks, you know the drill. I write random crap about stupid things, and then you either laugh, or get mad, or agree, or disagree, or are bored, or have absolutely no reaction what so ever. Why? Look at the title of my blog page…that's why.
I went to a Taco Bell the other day, and was helped by two Mexicans. I like this. Even though I know Taco Bell isn't authentic Mexican food, having it handed through the drive through window by actual Mexicans makes it feel real. I think all restaurants should do this. The Olive Garden should only employ Italians, Bennigans should only employ Irish people, Red Lobster should only employee pirates, and McDonalds should only employee wife-beater wearing, NASCAR-loving, white trash.
McDonalds, as usual, is already ahead of the curve.
I get a lot of crap from my friends, who think I have poor taste in women. I disagree, but I will admit if feels like I date or get romantically tangled up with girls who are, shall we say, above average in the crazy department. Seriously, I always seem to get involved with the most emotionally unstable girls.
But then I observe other girls who I'm not trying to have sex with…and they seem pretty crazy, too. Which made me start to wonder: maybe ALL girls are crazy. Therefore, it would be impossible to date a non-crazy girl.
But then something else occurred to me: girls make up 52% of the population. If you add in the absolutely tiny, almost infinitesimal number of men who are also crazy, you would have a slim majority of people on the planet who are, in fact, crazy. And since crazy is just word we made up to describe someone who acts outside of defined social norms, and since social norms are determined by the majority, that would mean all the women and crazy men are actually normal, and the rest of us are crazy. That would mean I am, in fact crazy.
But then I explained all this to my pirate leprechaun friend Green-Beard O'Malley, who lives under my bed when he's not out at sea, and he told me that that was foolish talk, and that we needed to buy more bird seed for his tiny, leprechaun parrot.
I think that many people have this fear that when they are grocery shopping or buying random supplies at the Target or Wal-Mart, and they bring their items to the check-out, that the cashier is looking at what they are buying and making judgments about them. Well, I worked as a grocery store cashier for a hellish six months, and I'm here to put this issue to rest once and for all by telling you…cashiers are TOTALLY looking at what you're buying and making judgments about you. Furthermore, they are picturing you using your items and are making observations about you based on the combinations of things you are buying. If you are a big fat woman buying a bunch of Ho-Ho's…they're mocking you in their head. If you are a man buying tampons…they are judging you. If you are buying an economy-sized buddle of toilet paper and some Pepto-Bismal…yeah, they know what's up.
There are a lot of different items that might cause you embarrassment when you purchase them at the store, but I think the most irrationally embarrassing is condoms. Virtually everyone hates buying condoms. Why? Realistically, what are you saying about yourself to the cashier when you buy condoms? You're saying, "Hey, I have a lot of sex, and I'm being safe about it!" Basically, you're announcing yourself as someone who is both intelligent and attractive.
That's not how you feel when you're buying condoms, however. Instead, if you're a guy, what you feel like you're saying to the cashier is, "I have a liquidy substance that shoots out of my penis during sex, and I need to buy these latex balloons to block it off." That's gross.
That's why when I buy condoms, I always buy something else really obnoxious to go with them, so the cashier is focused on that. Walk up to the Wal-Mart express lane with a box of Trojans and a brand new Wham-O Slip 'n Slide, and trust me, that cashier isn't going to be thinking about your penis. Or maybe they will…but they'll be thinking about it in a whole new way.
Now what the hell do I do with all these Slip 'n Slide's?
Here's a fun fact: 66.6% of the females on my top friends list who are currently in a relationship have, as their primary myspace picture, a photo of them kissing or being kissed by their significant other.
Okay, I only have three females on my top friends who are in a relationship. Which means only two of them have pictures like that. But still, it's significant, don't you think? Seeing both of those similar pictures, it made me wonder what the thought process was that led two people who have never met each other to select almost identical pictures to represent them. Is it a subliminal psychological need to show off their boyfriends to the whole world, because they can't define themselves without relating to that other person? Or do they just think their boyfriends are really hot?
Okay, I'm looking at both pictures again, and…yeah their boyfriends are both really hot. So it's probably the second thing.
Oh, this topic just gave me an awesomely fun idea! And by awesomely fun, I of course mean amusing to me, because that's all I really care about.
Okay, here's the deal…I think it would be hilarious if, for just one week, all my top friends had as their picture a picture of them kissing or being kissed by someone. So when people look at my page, there is just a bunch of pictures of people kissing. Why this thought amuses me I have no idea, but I want to see it happen anyway. So what I would like everyone on my top friends list to do (the ten of you who haven't already, anyway) is change your main picture to a photo of you kissing or being kissed by someone. It doesn't matter the gender…it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest. It just has to be a human (no farm animals).
If all of you change your picture to a kissing picture at the same time, and leave it that way for a week, I will…um, what the hell can I do in return? I don't have anything. Okay, let's try this…if the pictures all get changed for a week, I will take a picture of myself in some sort of embarrassing situation or pose, as decided by a pole of you guys, and leave that picture as my main picture for a week.
Go forth, and let it be done.
BTW…Nikki and I have both posted bulletins, but once again: Housewarming Party at our place, this Saturday, May 26th. Gifts are completely not required or expected, but if you DID want to bring a gift, please bring it in the form of your favorite alcoholic beverage. The festivities begin around 7 pm. Contact one of us if you're interested.
There WILL be alcohol-fueled naughty bad fun times to be had by all.