This has been a hard week.
Not because it was a week of frantically rehearsing for the 10-minute Play Festival, or because I started and ended the week in the state of embarrassing intoxication, or because it started to fully dawn on me this week exactly how little I get paid for working so much. All these things are true, but they weren't particularly hard.
This week has been hard because I've spent the last seven days cycling between some of the most severe mood swings I've ever experienced. It hasn't been at all uncommon lately for me to go from "I hate life so much I want to jam these scissors through my right eye socket" to "I love life so much I want to jam these scissors into some beautiful construction paper and make a rainbow" in a matter of fifteen minutes. And I will bounce back and forth between these extremes five, six times an hour, until I have no idea how the hell I feel.
Here is the unexpected downside to these type of mood swings: It's fucking exhausting. I feel like I've run eight marathons this week, and I've done nothing more physical than operate a glue gun at work. Who knew being unhappy took so much energy?
The point to this is, of course my first instinct was to sit down and write a blog this week about being unhappy. And then I realized…that's what EVERYBODY fucking does. I can't criticize that, of course. Writers of all stripes invariably write more for their own mental sanity than for any benefit of the reader. Still, these type of boo-hoo blogs all seem to have the same basic format:
TYPICAL BOO-HOO BLOG
So I've been feeling really down lately because of blah blah blah lousy boyfriend/girlfriend blah blah sucky job blah blah don't know what to do blah blah blah thanks for reading The End.
Of course, my typical boo-hoo blog is slightly different:
TYPICAL TIM BOO-HOO BLOG
So I'm a nerdy white guy who hates life blah blah blah getting rejected by girls blah blah stupid auditions blah blah blah internet porn joke blah blah can't find a good job blah blah blah self-deprecating joke I already used in a blog two weeks ago blah blah blah Rainbow Brite.
Screw it, I'm not writing that blog…this time. Instead, I'm using my blog this week for small, happy things. This is a random, unorganized list of small things that get me through an average day. And if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, unloved, unhappy, or any other pussy emotions that you should be embarrassed about and never talk to anyone about anytime, ever…then maybe you can grab onto some of these little things, too.
10) The comic strip Cyanide and Happiness
I don't know what the fuck the people who put this thing together were thinking about when they came up with this, but it just works. If my funny bone could write crudely drawn comic strips featuring an almost grotesque over-reliance on sex jokes and violence…it would look like this:
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Look for this comic strip to become an animated cartoon on "Adult Swim" sometime in the near future. It's just too perfect not to happen.
9) Apple Toaster Strudels
There is no better food. None. I was going to say, "No better breakfast food," but then I realized that the breakfast qualifier is completely unnecessary. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, birthday parties, graduation, funerals, during sexual intercourse…there is NEVER a bad time to eat Apple Toaster Strudels.
How can there be a more perfect food? It's an apple-substitute filled pastry that is topped off with some sort of mysterious sugar/cream substance that you SQUIRT ONTO THE STRUDEL YOURSELF. That means you can express yourself artistically while creaming your strudel.
8) Midgets on full-sized motorcycles
Okay, okay, all you PC folks are getting upset. "You can't laugh at midgets…that's cruel!" you're saying. But I'm not laughing at them, I assure you. I promise I get all the way into my apartment, lock the door, go into my room, go under the covers, turn the radio up real loud…and then I laugh about the midgets. See? There is no way they will ever know. And come on…if you can't laugh at a midget riding a full sized Harley-Davidson down the road, in his cute little leather jacket and helmet…then you can't laugh, period.
Also funny: Full-sized people on midget motorcycles. It looks like they just have wheels attached to their ass, riding down the street.
Not funny: Midgets on midget motorcycles. They just look like a regular person on a regular motorcycle…but far away.
7) Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears
Or as I also like to call them, "The Only Three Bitches on the Planet So Crazy, Even I Wouldn't Fuck Them." These three are the biggest train wrecks of a human being since, well…the last three young, female, pop icons. But the point is, whenever I feel sad, like my life is messed up or things aren't working out the way I want…I just read a bit about these three travesties, and a big grin immediately spreads across my face. Schadenfreude? Duh.
6) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
There is no better proof that the most horrific, most frightening, most agonizing things in life are also the funniest. The Daily Show, somewhat paradoxically, manages to make fun of news show while actually being the most informative, honest, and balanced news show currently on TV. How do they do it? They clearly don't give a fuck, that's how.
An obvious and well deserved assist has to be given here to President George W. Bush. In the process of being not only the worst President, but possibly one of the worst leaders in the history of civilization, he has also provided some of the funniest lines, gags, and laughs on The Daily Show. Their writers will surely miss him when he leaves office. They will be the only ones.
Watch and laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXizCq6ODTg
5) Shana Hiatt
I'm often asked why I am so in love with model/actress Shana Hiatt, former host of World Poker Tour. Actually, I'm never asked…I just tell people, without them asking. My co-workers, my priest, my old aunt Sally, strangers on the street…I tell them all: Shana Hiatt is the most attractive female on the planet, not because she's unbelievably hot, though she certainly is, but because she is hot in this bizarre, cute sort of way that makes you absolutely convinced she is attainable.
Pamela Anderson, Nicole Kidman, Beyonce…all hot, but I know I would have no chance with them. However, I am convinced if I met Shana Hiatt in real life, I could probably get to at least second base with her. And if I bought her dinner…well…
Just thinking about it makes me want to cream my strudel.
Watch and lust:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSIoZtXv5mQ
4) Alcohol
Again, people are reading this and getting upset. "Tim, alcohol is not the answer to your problems. You can't just drown your sorrows in liquor." And they are right. You can't drown your sorrows in liquor. You have to take some NyQuil with it, to really knock those problems dead.
I'm joking, obviously. So let me just say it, for all the kids out there, once and for all: Alcohol is not the answer to your problems. But while you're looking for the answer to your problems…alcohol raises some pretty good questions.
3) Dane Cook
For the three of you in Utah who don't know, Dane Cook is a stand-up comedian, and possibly the funniest human being alive. How funny? Let's put it this way: If I were dying of cancer and only had a week left to live, I would want Dane Cook to be the one to tell me, because I promise you he would find a way to make it funny. Probably by telling an absurd story about the time he had cancer, and he would use lots of words in the story that make sense but you wouldn't expect to hear, and then he would make some sound effects to go with it.
It's funnier than it sounds.
Bask in the funny that is Dane Cook:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0afHgW1i2iE
2) The absolutely, ridiculously random things my friends say
I like a lot of things about a lot of my friends, but I think my overall favorite is the completely random one-liners. I seem to cultivate friends who are both intelligent enough and brave enough to say things that are so unexpected, and yet so absolutely perfect for the moment. If being funny was like being a mechanic, then Dane Cook would be a highly skilled engineer…carefully crafting jokes in his shop until they are shiny and run perfectly. My friends, on the other hand, would be McGyver…like a pen combined with a match to make a flamethrower, even the most boring conversation or situation becomes fodder for funny.
A few random examples that I can remember off the top of my head…a mere tip of the iceberg (identities have been hidden for copyright reasons):
Friend (While watching the cartoon Futurmama on TV): Leela's boobs…let's talk about 'em.
Friend: I'm not trying to be mean, but…so-and-so sucks at life. (Or some other incredibly mean finish)
Friend: Would you ever have sex with me?
Me: No
Friend: What if I didn't give you a choice?
1) This quote
Better for me, despite my desire to rush to judgment…to ask of myself, as I believe it will be asked beyond the grave, "How much did you love?"
---The Rev. Frederick W. Nairn