Ladies and gentlemen, we live in exciting times.

Right now is a veritable Golden Age for the world of literature.  If you like reading, being alive right now is the equivalent of liking theater and being alive in Shakespeare-era London, or liking rock and roll and being alive in the 60's, or liking to be mauled by prehistoric predators and being alive in the stone-age.  Why are we, right now, at the peak of our literary prowess as a civilization?  One name:

J.K. Rowling.

I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books myself, but if the general reaction to the release of one of these books is any indication, I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that these books are basically The Greatest Thing Ever Created in the History of Existence.  If you want to understand  how good these books are, imagine taking all the good parts of the Bible…you know, all the violence and sex and talking bushes and seven-headed monsters…and cutting out all the preachy Jesus stuff, then mixing that in a giant blender with all the other great works of literature in history: Shakespeare's plays, The Iliad, and every Archie comic book ever produced; and finally have Tom Selleck masturbate into the blender, soaking the entire mixture in his super-masculine-yet-still-sensative Magnum P.I. DNA…then you will have some concept of the greatness of the Harry Potter series.

In seriousness, I'm perfectly happy for the people enjoying the conclusion to HP right now, but I have to get something off my chest.  By far my biggest pet peeve regarding the Harry Potter books is that each time a new one is released, I have to be subject to an endless series of newspaper articles, news reports, and NPR interviews proclaiming how great it is that Harry Potter is introducing the "magic of reading" to children and getting them away from their silly "iPods, cellphones, and video games."   According to every one of these people, reading is the most important thing a person can do with their time; everything else is just a distraction.

I realize what I'm about to say now, seeing as I am an avid reader, aspiring writer, and English degree holder, will sound completely blasphemes—on the same level with a Catholic priest calling out for his congregation to start an orgy—but it's the truth so I'm going to say it anyway.  And I'm going to type it in bold, capital letters, so you all see it clearly:

READING IS EXTREMELY OVERRATED

Read that again.  Go ahead, I'll wait.  Now, I've noticed by talking to people that read my blog that some of you have a hard time telling when I'm joking and when I'm being serious.  So let me emphasis: I'm not kidding about this.  Reading is way, way, over-valued.  Let's look at all the reasons why reading is supposedly "The Shit"…and see why it's really "just shit."

Books are more intellectual than other forms of media (television, movie, games, etc…)

Bullshit.  There are good books…and there are trashy books.  Just like there is good TV…and there is trashy TV.  And in both cases, the trashy variety probably makes up about 90% of the material.  Why?  Because it sells.  "Harry Potter" might be the best selling individual book, but what do you think the best selling genre is?  Do you think it might be those ridiculous romance novels with Fabio and some heaving-bossomed white chick on every cover?  And maybe that's why several dozen new ones are being written every month?

The fact of the matter is any form of media can be intellectually stimulating if you choose the right stuff.  Or are you telling me that someone watching "The History of the Norman Race" on TV is being less intellectually stimulated that the person reading "The Naughty Pirates Cove"?

TV, video games, and computers encourage children to be anti-social

And books don't?  So I was the only geeky middle schooler running home each day to curl up with my latest "Star Trek" novel by myself with no friends?

Oh, wait…yeah, I was.

My early teen nerdy ways aside, however, reading isn't any more inherently social than any other activity.  Sure people can participate in book clubs, or discuss books they are reading with friends.  But people can play video games in groups, or discuss TV shows or movies, or chat via the internet.  And people can also stay home alone constantly reading, and carry a book with them everywhere they go so they don't have to risk talking to people they don't know.  The fact is, specific activities aren't social or anti-social…it's the person that makes them one way or the other.

Except for masturbating…that's probably inherently anti-social.  Also: fun.

Books help children (and adults) learn to use their imagination

This might be the only thing close to a legitimate advantage books have over anything else.  But, though I have nothing but anecdotal evidence to back this up, I've really come to believe that people either like using their imagination, or they don't.  People that do…well, they like reading, and probably for that very reason.  But people who don't…which is most sane people…aren't going to be so hot on reading and having to fill in all the details with their brain, when they can watch TV or a movie and have someone else do it for them.  And who can blame them?  Are we really going to start faulting people for NOT being unfocused, head-in-the-clouds, dreamers?

People are who they are…cramming the written word down their throats isn't going to change them.

Finally, I'd like to make the case that a lot of this pro-book rah-rah stems not so much from people being in favor of reading, but people being against technology.  In every one of these "reading is so great" articles, there is ALWAYS a mandatory thumbing of the nose at the evils of cellphones, ipods, computers, and video games.  People, for some reason, seem naturally inclined to assume that all new technology, instead of helping us, is eroding our ability to function as humans.

Here's a fun little story.  During the Greek philosopher Aristotle's time, there was a new, dangerous technology being developed.  Aristotle himself cried out again it, claiming it would corrupt society.  What was this technology?

The written word.

It's true.  Aristotle, and many other intellectuals of the time, hated this new fangled "reading and writing", claiming it would destroy people's ability to remember things.  And you know what: they were absolutely right.  People nowadays can't remember SHIT compared to people back then.  Why?  BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE TO!  We just write that shit down.  And I don't think anyone's prepared to argue we're much worse off as a society because we can't remember long, long lists of things.  So are we really so arrogant as to believe our technology is perfect NOW?  That everything that comes after this is destroying our culture, but everything that came before was great?  Here's the deal: 1000 years from now, people will be bitching about those damn "Holodeck simulators" and how they keep kids from appreciating their old-fashioned "Mega iToys."

At any rate: I love reading, and if you do too, wonderful.  But it isn't the most important thing in existence.  That would be the internet.

And to all of you currently reading Harry Potter 7, I say: enjoy.  Also: Harry, Ron, and Hermione all die.  I read it on Wikipedia.

I'm just kidding.

Or am I?