"Fuck" is like, the best word ever…when someone finally says, "Hey, fuck you," there's nothing better.  I just look at them and go, "Yeah, that's right.  Fuck me.  Good use of fuck right there"…once somebody hits you with "fuck you" that's it.  There's nothing better, there's nothing above.  You can't come back with, "Oh, fuck me?  Yeah?  Gaylord!"

---Dane Cook, Harmful If Swallowed

Those that know me know that when I argue, I prefer to keep things on a rational, logical level.  I generally try not to let emotions guide my argument, or let my disagreement in what the other person is saying cause me to get personally vindictive.  However, sometimes people say things that are so dumb, so annoying, and so wrong, that I have no choice but just look them straight in the eye and deliver a solid…

Fuck you.

I'd like to take this opportunity and hand out a few "Fuck you's" today to some people who have recently said stupid things.  So without further ado…

My first "Fuck you" goes out to an entire group of people.  This is addressed mostly to waiters and waitresses, but it could potentially be expanded to anyone who has a job which traditionally is dependent on tips for income (delivery drivers, etc.).  I have heard a lot of bitching from waitresses (for the rest of this rant I will use the word waitresses, because, sexist or not, females make up the vast majority of restaurant workers…but I mean men and women) about customers who stiff them on tips.  This bitching comes in the form of friends in person, or a recent ridiculous Myspace spam bulletin circling around.  Part of this bitching includes waitresses assertion that 20% is now the "standard" tip for adequate service, rather that 15% (WTF!?!?  Who decided this?  I wasn't on that committee!). 

Now, I'm not going to tear into the ridiculousness of the tipping system, and how it basically is perpetuated by restaurant owners to screw customers.  Instead, I will just focus on one absolutely retarded phrase that has become a sort of a war chant for tip-bitching waitresses.  It goes something like this:

"If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat out." (Or order delivery, or whatever.)

Well, waiters and waitresses of the word, excuse me, but…

FUCK YOU!

Now, I understand that you are all low-income single mothers, or struggling actors or actresses, or what not.  And I sympathize, I do.  But I am also a struggling artist living on a meager salary, and occasionally I'd like to enjoy a nice meal at a restaurant.  And guess what?  I can afford to do so, regardless of whether or not I have enough money to tip.  How can that be?  Allow me to give you a brief diagram about how capitalism, which is the economic system used in our country, works.

• BUSINESS OFFERS CUSTOMER GOODS/SERVICES AT STATED COST
• CUSTOMER, DECIDING GOODS/SERVICES ARE WORTH COST, PAYS BUSINESS MONEY
• BUSINESS USES MONEY TO COVER EXPENSES (INCLUDING PAYING EMPLOYEES), THEN TAKES EXCESS MONEY AS PROFIT

That's it, folks.  Nowhere in that model is there anything about the CUSTOMER being responsible for paying EMPLOYEES of the business directly.  That means if I go to the "Oliver Garden" and my spaghetti dinner is priced at $10.99 in the menu, it's going to cost me…$10.99.  NOT $10.99 plus a 20% tip.  Tipping…is…optional.  As a waitress, you are an employee of the restaurant, and if you feel you aren't making enough money, that is an issue to be resolved between YOU AND YOUR EMPLOYEER.  It is NOT an issue to take up with poor bedraggled customers (like me) who just want to get an occasional meal.  And if you don't like having a significant chunk of your salary be an optional expense that people don't have to give you…FIND ANOTHER JOB!

Now having said all this, those of you who have eaten out with me know that I always tip, and usually quite well.  Why do I do that, if I feel this way about tipping?  Simple.  I feel guilty.  That's all.  I think that's why everyone tips, to be honest.  Plain and simple guilt.  So waiters and waitresses of the world, your tips are basically just a charity case, oftentimes from other poor people.  And by bitching about the tips you DON'T get, you are basically becoming a glorified street beggar.  Congratulations.  And fuck you.

My next "Fuck you" goes out to syndicated newspaper columnist Dear Abby.  I usually don't read Dear Abby's column, because unlike Dan Savage's column, which is almost always honest, accurate, and funny, Dear Abby's column is usually pretentious, inaccurate, and stodgy.  But a week or so ago I was scanning her column, killing some time before leaving work, and she wrote something interesting.  She had received a letter from a woman asking for advice on how to deal with her 6-year old daughter, who was asking about her father, who wasn't around.  The girl's father, evidently, skipped town as soon as he found out his girlfriend was pregnant, and the woman hadn't heard from him since.

Surprisingly, Abby's advice to the woman was pretty straight forward and honest, which was fine.  However, the bitch just had to throw in this little gem of a line, near the end of her response:

"I'm often sad that men can reproduce when they are as young as 11 years old, since they often don't become adults until they are in their 30's."

Hmm…well put, Dear Abby.  Allow me to rebuttal by saying…

FUCK YOU!

I am so fucking sick and tired of this anti-male bullshit that is now running rampant through the media, particularly when it comes to the area of sex and reproduction.  Okay, so this asshole, loser, dirt bag, piece of shit meat got his girlfriend pregnant and then took off.  He sucks.  And yes, there is no shortage of other men who would do the same cowardly thing.  They're out there, they exist, and they suck.  But there are plenty of men…dare I say the vast, vast, vast majority of them, that take care of their shit.  But acknowledging that doesn't allow you to write your snarky, pretentious little broad stroke slap at the male gender, does it, Dear Abby?  Fuck you.