…Michael Vick

Yeah, okay…so I'm not very topical on this one.  The Michael Vick case is weeks old now, and mostly out of the spotlight.  But I've had stuff I've wanted to say about this for awhile now, but my hectic life (read: laziness) stopped me.

In case you are someone who completely avoids the news…first off, why the fuck are you reading this?  Go read a newspaper, for God's sake!  Second off, Michael Vick is (was) an NFL star quarterback who recently plead guilty to running a…uh…dog fighting ring?  That still EXISTS?  Okay…running a dog fighting ring.  You can read about it here, if you know nothing and feel like you need to in order to understand my ranting…

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/07/17/AR2007071701393.html

So, I have three strong opinions about this whole issue:

OPINION 1- This is the most ridiculous crime any celebrity/athlete has ever been convicted for, and whatever amount of jail time he gets sentenced to, I don't feel sorry for him in the least.  What makes this even more mind-boggling to me is the fact that this is a guy who basically had the world at his feet.  I mean, he was on the cover of Madden Football just a couple of years ago!  As odd as this may seem, I could almost understand this if it were some poor ghetto kid with nothing going on in his life, and dog fighting was his passion.  I mean, it would still be sick and wrong and everything, but even poor people need hobbies.  But Michael Vick?  "Yeah, I know I'm the face of the NFL…rich beyond all measure…worshipped by countless fans…a God in what is quickly becoming American's real national pastime…

…but my real passion is training dogs to rip each others faces off."

Huh?

Anyway…stick him in jail, I guess.  However, having said all that…

OPINION 2- All you animal lovers out there need to get off your high ass horses and stop acting like Vick is Adolph-fucking-Hitler.  In letters to the newspaper and on TV I have heard people react to this story with statements like, "He should burn in hell" or "They should fry his ass" or other such venomous declarations usually reserved for child molesters.  I mean, stories of professional athletes beating up their wives pop up all the time, and though people might be upset, I've never seen anyone this outraged.  Here's the news, folks: what Vick did is sick, disgusting, and unnecessary, but guess what?  Vick still isn't one one-HUNDREDTH as bad or sick as anyone who has taken a single human life, ever.  Yes, all you card carrying PETA members, what I am saying to you now is…

People are more important than animals.

I'm sorry.  I know you love your fluffy little doggy.  He's very cute.  But they're just dogs.  They're not humans.  And if you disagree with me, then answer me two questions:  How much money did you buy your fluffy, cute little dog for?  And how much money would you need to buy a human?

Oh, wait…we don't sell humans in stores.  Point: me.

OPINION 3- This is the one I'm most passionate about.  Since this Vick case came to light, I have not once, not twice, but on three separate occasions accidentally run into disgusting pictures of mangled dogs on the internet, before I realized what I was going to be seeing.  They are horrific.

Of course, all you animal lover are now saying to me, "That's the point, Tim.  They are supposed to be horrific to make you realize the horrible thing Vick has done."  Uh…no.  This is the same fucked-up logic that anti-abortionists use when they go to college campuses and thrust horrible pictures of aborted fetuses in your face before you even realize who they are or what you are looking at. (Sound like I've been there?  Yeah.)  Listen folks…first off, this sort of pathos-driven, shock tactic doesn't prove that your view is correct, just like me exposing unwilling people to pictures of dead and mangled soldiers wouldn't make me correct about the war in Iraq or pictures of a bullet-ridden body of a two-year old wouldn't make me correct about gun control.  It just makes you an asshole.  Also, it doesn't make me feel sympathy for your side.  Instead, it makes me hate you, and want something horrible to happen to you.  A dog mangling your face, for instance.

…glasses

So, my eyes suck.  Without corrective lenses of some sort, I am basically Velma from "Scooby-Doo"…blind.  That being the case, I've always been a fan of contact lenses.  They're more comfortable, I can see better, etc.  But I recently ran out of my disposable contacts, and due to a prescription mix-up, I haven't been able to get more.  So I'm stuck with glasses.

Fucking glasses.  Seriously, these things are retarded.  And yes, I know I could just get laser eyes surgery, and I plan to, but I can't afford it…yet.  But glasses?  I mean, this is 2007, for Christ's sake!  We don't have anything better than this invented yet?  I'm pissed off enough that I don't have a hover car and rolling treadmills that go everywhere and hot green aliens with huge boobs that we were promised to have by now…but then to top it all off I still have to wear glasses to correct my fucked up eye-sight?  People, it's two pieces of glass suspended in front of my eyes via a system of wires hooked to my ears and balancing on the bridge of my nose.  I might as well be bashing rocks together to wash my clothes and peddling my stone car with my own bare feet while I'm wearing these things.  What a fucking joke.

…President Bush

Ugh…do I really have to do more bitching about this tool?  Isn't his almost unfathomable second-term over yet?  I do, and it isn't.  My dislike for the man who almost certainly will go down in history as not only the worst president, but possibly one of the worst world leaders in history is well known, but recently he said something in an article which, I think more than any other one thing, demonstrates why I despise this man.

Last week, Bush's press secretary (that's the guy that talks to the press…duh) Tony Snow announced his resignation.  Read about it here, if it pleases you:

http://www.wcsh6.com/news/national/article.aspx?storyid=69978

The Bush statements I'd like to draw your attention to in this article are as follows.  First of, when talking about why he felt Snow did such a good job as press secretary, Bush says, among other things, that Snow is, "…able to talk about issues in a way that the American people can understand."

Hmm…

Later, when discussing Snow's replacement, Dana Perino, Bush comments that Perino is someone, "…who is able to spell out the issues of the day in a way that people listening on TV can understand."

These two statements were in the same article.  Not two paragraphs from each other.  Is the message your President giving you clear enough, dear rear?

You're stupid.

You, you, and you, too.  You're all very dumb.  And President Bush is kind enough to get smart, capable press secretarys who can talk…very…slowly…and use very small words…so that those of us living in our stick and mud huts and blowing "Dixie" on our XXX wine jugs to pass the time can understand all the big, hard, complicated issues he has to deal with every day!  (Every day expect the days in August, that is.  He's on vacation that month every year.)

Hey!  President Bush!  News flash!  We're not dumb.  We understand things, believe it or not.  It's not the issues we don't understand.  It's you and your administration that defies our comprehension.

Is it 2009 yet?