August 15, 2007  11:59 pm

            Ok, I still have writers block but I think I will try something.  So I made my very first, by myself, actual home made meal.  I really had no idea that I could cook like that.  I have seen people cook so much that I just made something from scratch with no problems.  I had no idea I had it in me.  Really!  I have always just helped someone in the kitchen.  To cook my very own meal was a milestone in my life.  So guess what.  I have made so many meals already since then that I am actually getting sick of it.  I am starting to learn how much to prepare to make two meals at once.  Soon I will be skilled in the art of "kitchen".  I really don't like the sound of that.  But truly, it is amazing.  The confidence built from the first meal has carried me on to do better and greater meals.  I just needed to be put in a place of no McDonalds, no Madison Coffee House, and no friends, family and sandwich meat.  To be thrust into the scary place of cooking for myself has turned me into a cooking fiend. 

            I think a lot of us can be like this.  To just help out were need be and be fine with that.  People keep telling you, "you really are good in this, you just need to do it." Or "really, you can do it, you just need to trust yourself."  But there is nothing that anyone can say (besides divine revelation) that will make you believe it to be true.  You have to be thrust into a situation where all the escapes are cut off, all the plan "b"s  are run out, and you have to do it or you'll starve.

            Maybe we are not scared of failure, but of success.  Maybe, once we have proven to ourselves that we can hack it, God will ask to use this in and through us. And that thought scares the piddle right out of us.  We are so scared of achievement because we know with achievement comes pain, responsibility, and the occasional fall.   I am not saying that there are not situations that we fear failure.  Every one of us has those.  I am talking about the situations that we know, even if just a twinge of a thought, that we are hiding under the "fear of failure" excuse. 

            But in this I think there is a catch.  We have to make the first step.  For me it was going to the market and buying food I actually had to cook with.  There was this voice inside me screaming, "Lance!  Buy food so you can learn how to cook!  Your inner turmoil about this is driving me crazy!  And on top of that! I need more than bologna sandwich type nastiness!"  I know I have had times when the inner voice was saying stuff to me and I just pushed it off with failure excuses.  Like the time when the Still Small Voice was saying "Lance, throw off everything that hinders."  I knew were it was going, but the thought of being obedient to it and what wonderful things would come of that obedience scared me.  I was not afraid of failing, but of succeeding.  I look back now and feel the regret of not whole heartedly seeking what the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me.  I know every one of us have had these experiences.  One I finally accepted was being a missionary and living with uncertainty.  That one actually took years for me to come to.

            So here is a question.  Is there something that sometimes invades your mind?  Saying, "This is possible! You can do this!" But the thought of succeeding scares you and you start excusing the thought with, "but I have a good job.", "I retire in 5 years", "I'm too young", "I am too old", "other people can take this on", "there is no way this will ever work", "what can I ever do?"  There are a million of these.  To deny a God given desire, is to deny a road that will take you to blessings and fulfillment beyond your wildest imagination.  But you better make darn sure it was God given.