I'm sitting in my motel room, my home of the past five months, listening to my GrooveShark playlist loud enough on ear buds to drown out my sons' (Dustin and John) Twisted and ICP and talking about memories of Jage.

I had a near break down today. I argued with my youngest son, my only biological son, in front of Grandma Phyllis and Aunt Karen and Cousin Kaya.

I was yelling at him for attacking Dustin and misbehaving. I've been finding out that he gets away with everything and is becoming a complete and utter terror thanks to how they let him get away with the worst shit. He spouts back, "Mommy, can you just leave now?"

I couldn't believe it! This is NOT my precious sweet, caring, wonderful boy. This is a monster, a selfish, spoiled rotten monster. I barked at him, "What did you say? Did you just tell me to leave?!?!"

"Yeah."

"FINE THEN! You want me to leave, I'll fucking leave then. GOOD BYE!" And I started walking to the door. I think my son finally realized what he just said to me and ran after me.

"Mommy! Mommy! Wait!" He threw himself into my arms and sobbed, "I'm sorry Mommy. I love you. I'm so sorry!" He's not yet five years old.

I grabbed him up and held him so tight. This was my boy. The one who was honestly sorry for misbehaving. He wasn't just saying it to get out of trouble.

It probably doesn't help that I'm really emotional right now. About anything can set me off into a crying fit. But I bottle it all up because I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. Or worse yet, that if someone sees me crying, they'll pity me and not be able to give me the comfort I need.

And frankly, I don't think the comfort I need is going to be forthcoming any time soon.

"She's Perfect" by Toby Keith

I took Lisa down to the cafe
The one where we first fell in love
I played the same song that we used to dance to
Hopin' it might be enough
But when I told her I was sorry
That only made it worse
Then the waitress came over and saw Lisa cryin'
Said honey what's the matter with her

There's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
She's as pure as she can be
She'd never say, but the only mistake she ever made was me
It might appear to you she's broken
By the teardrops in her eyes
But there's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
I'm the one who made her cry

Could you please bring us two cups of coffee
We might be here for a while
Make mine black and hers sweet as sugar
Something that matches her smile
She's already loved me for half of her life
She's never been untrue
So let me tell you before you ask her
If there's anything you can do

There's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
She's as pure as she can be
She'd never say, but the only mistake she ever made was me
It might appear to you she's broken
By the teardrops in her eyes
But there's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
I'm the one who made her cry
There's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
I'm the one who made her cry

I keep it together as best I can, but I'm rarely alone with my emotions. I have to go to the bathroom and cry so as not to kill everyone else's mood. And even then, I choke most of it back because I don't want them hearing and busting in trying to make it better. There's nothing that they are really willing to do to make it better again.

They are all mad at him. And frankly, so am I, but dammit! It was me this shit happened to, not them! And if I'm the one who can see that there's something wrong and he needs professional help, why can't they? Why can't they even just get on board with getting him help? Give him a fighting chance?

I'm never alone anymore, yet I feel so alone and lost and broken.

A couple weeks ago, my husband's paranoia, mood-swings, and alcoholism collided into the worst mistake of his life and the end of my feeling of completeness. My dream of happiness and security dissolved into a dark and murky pit of waking, walking hell. I kept telling him to get back and get away from me. He was losing complete control. I saw it and there wasn't anything I could say or do that would make it stop, but then again, silence would have been the same results.

Finally I pushed him back and away from me and he flew at me and struggles insued. I can't even remember every thrust, parry, blow. Just near the end where he was sitting on my chest, his hand pulled back, his leg pressing down on my throat. I struggled to breath and finally started clawing at his leg trying to get air, just any air would do... And as I struggled to breath and tell him I couldn't breath... He clocked me in the temple. I tried crying out. He clocked me two more times. He told me to stop moving and listen to him. He told me not to try saying even another word or he'd hit me again.

I was starting to gray at the edges, my lungs void of air. I struggled to tell him again I couldn't breath. He clocked me twice more.

Somehow I managed to get out from under him. His pocket knife in my pocket where I hid it, slipped out and I threw it under the bed. I struggled to get my phone to text out, call out, anything. He landed back on top of me, on my back this time and he ripped me up and slammed my other temple into the wall. He was on top of me again, trying to rip the phone out of my hands.

"Come to Bed"
by Gretchen Wilson

Sometimes we fight
'Bout who's wrong and right
And stay up all night
And sometimes we drink
And say hurtful things
That we don't mean

Yeah, we're both screamin'
But nobody's listenin'
Let's take this madness
Out of the kitchen

Come to bed
Let's just lay down
There's just one way
We're gonna work this out
Forget what I did
Forget what you said
Oh, darlin'
Come to bed

Well, I love you
You know I do
And you love me, too
So let's just stop
Remember what we've got
Before it all gets lost

Just take my hand
It's been way too long
Turn out the lights
And turn each other on

Come to bed
Let's just lay down
There's just one way
We're gonna work this out
Forget what I did
Forget what you said
Oh, darlin' (darlin')

And let's put aside our pride
For feelin's for tonight
In the mornin' we'll see things
In a different light

Just come to bed
Let's just lay down
There's just one way
We're gonna work it out
Forget what I did
Forget what you said
Oh, darlin' (darlin')
Come to bed

Then a knock at the window. "You're safe now bitch. The cops are here."

"I didn't call the fucking cops! It's Chuck! He was on his way over, remember? And yet, still! YOU did this!" I ran and let Chuck in. Chuck sat with him talking to him while I ran out and called Dustin's fiance, Jamie.

The rest is not a story I really want to go over again right now in detail. How about the highlights? The rest is Jamie taking my phone and calling the police. The police coming and cuffing him. My husband being his belligerent drunk alcoholic self. Me telling the cops he's paranoid schitzophrenic or something, on top of that an alcoholic.

My husband begging for a kiss while in handcuffs. He looked so pathetic, fish-lipped kiss attempt. I refused. I didn't know this drunk man in my hotel room.

Going down to the station and making a statement. Telling the cops this wasn't the first time they'd come for him since we'd moved in there. The fact that there's something wrong with his head and the stupid fucktard shrinks at Behavioral Health releasing him because "there's nothing wrong with him". (I should sue!)

I told the detective this wasn't the first time my husband and I had gotten into it. I wasn't the first woman this happened to with him.

I asked if it was possible to see him before I left. "Absolutely not going to happen."

The last time I saw my husband, I refused to kiss him.

"In the Late of Night/Toni's Secrets"
by Toni Braxton

Always thought your promise was for life
I did not think that I
Would hear you say good-bye
And I always heard you led another life
I doubted every time
I guess my love was blind
Cause in my eyes
Love was always something magical
But the feeling is so tragic-full
And all I know is in love
The thing that I want most
I can't possess
There's only emptiness

In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
You lied
As you kissed me goodnight
In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
I cried
As you kissed my lips good-bye
Good-bye

In my eyes
You will always be the lucky one
Cause you know you'll always have my love
For all times until I die
Through the end I gave to you my best
You gave, you gave me loneliness

In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
You lied
As you kissed me goodnight
In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
I cried
As you kissed my lips good-bye
Good-bye, good-bye

The last two times I talked to him on the phone, he was making the same old demands and I told him he had to be patient and not contact me this way. He was only going to get himself in trouble.

A few days after the last time I spoke to him, I got his glasses to the jail. I dropped them off to some bored black bitch who was rude as fuck at 2:30 in the afternoon on Monday. Tuesday at 4:00 in the afternoon, I received a phone call from the jail chaplain, asking that I drop off his glasses because he needs them to see and to read.

Well no shit Sherlock! That's why I dropped them off over 24 hours before! What kind of fucking morons are these people!!??!! The next day I had off and called the chaplain back. Asking for some kind of verification that my husband got his glasses. I have yet to receive a return call. We were all heading our separate ways to go do what we had to do. I was going to pick up Alex. My car started clunking worse...

The seal between transmission and engine finally failed. Now I am carless. Shit's blowing up with Jamie and her parents. We're talking about her moving in with me.

I have to have Jamie or John pick me up and take me to work. Jamie or John has to pick me up from work and bring me home. I got kicked off of food stamps because I never got the message that I had mail at our old residence and I never got the paperwork in that I needed. I missed a phone call. Shit blew up and I'm lost in the system.

Oh. Boone ran away from my mother's house.

So yeah. I gave up drinking. I miss my husband's body next to me. I miss the scent of his skin, the way he pushes my hair away from my eyes. I miss him calling me his "golden eyed girl". I miss my son the way he used to be. I miss my car and my freedom. I miss my cat Tigger. My cat Boone is gone.

I'm crying in my Dew instead of my beer, but the effect is the same.

Just another sad country song.

Kid Rock feat. Sheryl Crow
"Picture"
~<3 Our Song <3~

Livin' my life in slow hell.
Different girl every night at the hotel.
I ain't seen the sun shine in three damn days.
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey.
Wish I had a good girl to miss me.
Lord, I wonder if I'll ever change my ways.

I put your picture away.
Sat down and cried today.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to her.

I put your picture away.
Sat down and cried today.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to her.

I called you last night in the hotel.
Everyone knows, but they won't tell.
But their half-hearted smiles tell me somethin', just ain't right.
I've been waiting on you for long time.
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine.
I ain't heard from from you in three damn nights.

I put your picture away.
I wonder where you've been.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to him.

I put your picture away.
I wonder where you've been.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to him.

I saw you yesterday with an old friend.

It was the same ol' same "how have you been?".

Since you've been gone my world's been, dark and gray.

You reminded me of brighter days

I hoped you were coming home to stay.

I was headed to church.

I was off the drink you away!

I thought about you for a long time.
Can't seem to get you off my mind.
I can't understand why we're livin', life this way.

I found your picture today.
I swear I'll change my ways.
I just called to say "I want you, to come back home.".

I found your picture today.
I swear I'll change my ways.
I just called to say "I want you, to come back home.".

I just called to say "I love you, come back home."