I feel scattered. My thoughts, feelings and actions in the past month have just been all over the proverbial map, although somewhat literally. The Move is coming soon. Two months and a week. Movement will soon begin too with a kicking baby. It is a time of most amazing change, all of which excites me to no end. But I am scared. The life I've created in Oregon (not to imply it is separate from life before Oregon) has been transforming in so many ways and we are about to uproot it. I remember telling my dad before I left Jersey that the only reason I was able to do it was because I had such strong roots. And I felt like if I would have stayed in Jersey my roots would have grown shallow and rotten. SO I picked up and moved to Oregon, land of trees, rivers, desert (yes, almost all of Eastern Oregon is high desert), Ocean and space. Land of freedom without the rat race. Land of opportunity without strings. Land of eternal optimism and bountiful rain. Strangely enough, I think my time in Oregon has hardened me more than any time I spent in Jersey. Because when I got to Oregon life caught up to me. I could not escape death, disaster and horrible people no matter how far away I went. New Jersey is not full of horrible people, but everybody is very much in your space, and sometimes that makes them do horrible things. In Oregon I have had time and space to face myself. And for a while, I did not like what I was seeing. Stupid choices and near sightedness stared back at me in the mirror. Self-absorption masked by humor and false happiness; denial of grief and anger; belief in myself as an entity instead of a person. It is still a miracle to me that laura stuck by for so long.
But the last 3 years have been different. I have written previously about facing my demons and accepting my anger and stress and fear. I have embraced the things I taught myself to believe so that they are no longer part of me. THEY ARE ME. And through all of this I have learned to love myself. Truly.
Next I will become a father.