I'm sitting here.. royally pissed at myself. I forgot to pay my auto insurance for 2 months, and now the policy has been cancelled. They will not reinstate it because I had 2 accidents last year (only one was my fault), and my credit sucks, given all the health problems I have had in the past 3 years. So, now I've got to figure out how the hell I'm going to be able to scrape up money to start a new policy, b/c they want at least 2 payments' worth of premiums up front. Truthfully, that's the equivalent of a month's worth of wages for me..

AND WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO THE SHIT THAT EVERYBODY ELSE CAN DO?!?!? Nothing especially adventuresome... I'd just like to be able to work full-time! I'd like to be able to deal with stuff as it comes up. Make more money! Have more energy to do the things that my partner (who has 11 more years on me) can do. I'd REALLY like to be able to ride with her. I'd like to be able to play hockey. I'd like to be able to just DO things. Go to the grocery store and be able to get through the entire store without being so FUCKING exhausted!!

I don't go a single day without losing something or forgetting something or getting lost. My doctor told me a couple of months ago that Disability wasn't going to be something I was likely to get, so I needed a backup plan. I told her if I HAD a backup plan, I'd use it, but my life as it is right now IS the BACKUP PLAN. I wouldn't file for disability if I had a plan "b". This is all I have to keep me going. I really resented her for making that statement.

I see her every 2-6 weeks. Every time I go it for an appt., I leave a sheet paper with all of my difficulties and challenges and information I have found. And every time I go to see her, it's been lost, or she says she forgot to read it. WTF!? Why do I bother, if she's not going to read it? If she'd read it, she wouldn't be surprised that I had to start using a cane, b/c I've been telling her for the past YEAR, that things are getting worse. She has me keep up with my blood sugars, but half the time she doesn't even read more than 1 week's worth of my blood sugar log.

I'm so tired of things being this way. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being depressed and angry. I take so many meds, and I don't really know if they do me any good. Fibromyalgia isn't supposed to be progressive, but I swear that's what it feels like. I can't even get decent sleep.

Norma has a stand that will hold a standard bicycle to turn it into a stationary bike. I'm going to try riding it a little bit every day. Maybe just 5-10 minutes, not too fast, and then slowly inch my way up from there. If I can't go up from that point, then I'll find how much works for me and do it.

I know I can't give up. I don't want to give up. I want my life to be rich and happy and gratifying. If I give up, I'll spend the rest of my life getting more miserable every day. I know that. Sometimes, I feel hopeless, like I'm always going to feel this way. That can't be right! The Goddess never takes you where She cannot protect you.

Goddess, please give me the strength to deal with whatever I have to do today.