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Andre the BFG sets gob

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Sunday, October 25, 2009 

Current mood:Subcutaneous on Sundays
Aye well, I were reading one of them urban vampire books that line the shelves in WH Smiths the other day, trying to figure out the formula for me next bestseller, when I thought "I wonder if it’s the same for other nocturnal tribes?"

You know how new vampires are made, don't you?  The victim is forced to drink the blood of the vampire that's sucking on them and they turn into a vampire themselves, and have to obey every command of the suckee. Well maybe it’s the same for nerds. Maybe if some poor bugger is forced to light the farts of an ubernerd they become a nerd themselves. A gruesome elongation of the pens in their shirt-pockets occurs, their eyes become too sensitive to read fine print without glasses, and they shrivel when exposed to the harsh glare of the opposite sex. They have to live in darkened bedrooms and sleep in the soil of their birthplace. 
Then I thought "naah". Someone's got to have done that one. We got goths and emos already. I need to find a NEW formula to earn my next huge advance. That's why they call it "the novel"  for fuck's sake. 

So I sat there in front of the screen twiddling my thumbs and other bodily parts until it struck me. Why not combine all the popular genres into one? Why confine yourself just to horror, detective, science-fiction, chick-lit or gay porn? Why get stuck with one subculture? 

So I got this great plot worked out. It's going to be set on this interstellar police cruiser manned by a couple of lesbians who hate each other and a guy who likes shopping. They argumentatively roam known space hoping to administer rough justice to this mysterious serial killer - "The Poisoned Fist" - who strikes seemingly at random around the galaxy. Usually at an advertising agency or Australian embassy. I won't tell you how it goes - you'll have to buy the book - but I can reveal that when they unravel the clues and discover him, the killer is a horrific supernatural entity who joins the team and they flit off into a never-ending series of sequels with their powers for delivering "rough justice" considerably enhanced.   

Would-be publishers may wish to form an orderly queue right now.  

7:51 AM
 
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Nurse Fiona
All things Nursey

 
Those lead character lesbians look alot like this in my head...

 
Posted by Nurse Fiona on Sunday, October 25, 2009 - 3:12 PM
[Reply to this] 
Andre the BFG

 
They look a lot like this in MY head ...


 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 - 5:53 AM
[Reply to this] 
Nurse Fiona
All things Nursey

 
hoooeee is that Xena? I had a bit of a girl crush on Xena growing up. Warrior princess indeed.
 
Posted by Nurse Fiona on Friday, October 30, 2009 - 10:50 PM
[Reply to this] 
Tim

 
Brilliant.  Don't sell the film rights for less than eight figures.  If the movie poster features Nurse Fiona's photo (below), you'll make more money than God (and possibly even Satan).      
 
Posted by Tim on Sunday, October 25, 2009 - 4:03 PM
[Reply to this] 
Andre the BFG

 
 No chance of selling the film rights. I'll be shooting this one myself. If the lo-fi hand-held footage  on The Blair Witch project could get Tony Blair all the way to number 10, just think where my iPhone could take me. Casting's a bit of a problem though. I can't find any lesbians that hate each other. I guess I'll just have to use a couple of regular lesbians and keep dousing them in buckets of cold water. Hmmm.
 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 - 5:36 AM
[Reply to this] 
Writing next chapter

 
You may be on to something here.  May I offer up my vast networking abilities and shrewd negotiating skills as your U.S. agent?  Hell, with your good looks and my brains, we are likely to evade most attempts at gratuitous censorship...

Somehow you have to work hurling midgets (and definitely 3D rendering for the movie) into this.  Sure, sure you'll likely get some pushback because of the genre confusion.  You think you'll do old school "paper" or go straight to Kindle/e-Readers and digital distribution?

 
Posted by Writing next chapter on Monday, October 26, 2009 - 3:52 PM
[Reply to this] 
Andre the BFG

 
 You heard of movies being released straight to DVD? Well I see this novel being released straight to MySpace.  It's the ideal publishing medium for text. No worries about misplacing that royalty payment. 5 billion readers constantly on tap. They archive your stuff indefinitely, and its always "in print", at least until you get deleted without warning. If God had published the Bible as a myspace blog he'd probably be a millionaire by now instead of being just misunderstood.
 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Friday, October 30, 2009 - 5:47 AM
[Reply to this] 
Writing next chapter

 
Yeah -- and by going straight to the Internet, God could have disintermediated the Vatican editors who threw out all those missing books, gospels, and epistles.

But what's your (and God's) business model here?  Pay-per-view or advertising revenue?
 
Posted by Writing next chapter on Saturday, October 31, 2009 - 2:39 PM
[Reply to this] 
CJMICHIELS
Chris Michiels

 
If you have their spaceship sucking up greenhouse gas and show them recycling you may have a shot.
Oh, and have one get an abortion after the "hot tub mishap".
c

 
Posted by CJMICHIELS on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 - 6:45 PM
[Reply to this] 
Andre the BFG

 
 Not much gas in space unfortunately, so that surefire plot device is out. Plenty of recycling though. Where do you think astronauts get their shit-eating grins? As for the "hot tub mishap", is that an anagram of "Amish butt-hop" or are you just pleased to see me?

 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Friday, October 30, 2009 - 5:48 AM
[Reply to this] 
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Andre the BFG



Last Updated: 12/20/2009

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Gender: Male
Age: 22
City: Brampton
Country: UK

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