159,000 turkeys have been slaughtered at the Bernard Matthews plant in the last few weeks because a bloke says there has been an outbreak of bird flu in Suffolk.

183,803 cases of mad cow disease were reported in the last decade. Millions of cows were slaughtered, just 'to be safe'.

Now really. It's the same story with foot and mouth and even the plague.

I have two points to make about this.

1. Cows, sheep, birds – any animal that is at risk from an epidemic, we kill. It doesn't matter if a dog develops a rash or a rat's tail goes green, we will kill it. We will 'put it out of it's misery'.

   I developed a cold last week. I was really annoyed by it. I wanted to die or better still kill someone else. Had I been a warthog it would have all been fine and I would have gotten on with it. But Mr Blair says that murder is bad and that suicide is worse. Well Mr Blair, I say that killing hundreds of thousands of innocent animals is bad and allowing them to live to the point where they want to commit suicide is worse. I have started a new business. I call it the NHS-A. If you are interested, I will sell you the business for seven million and I will let you destroy it. You seem to be good at that. Maybe you could hire some Thai veterinarians and create a four year waiting list. Maybe hire those wonderful Wembley builders to build the surgery. Just a thought.

2. Secondly, Brits annoy me. Take the weather for instance. If it snows, we all have to stay indoors and only go out in emergencies. If we do go out we face harsh weather conditions that would be hard for even Ranulph Fiennes to tackle. We will need slicks on the cars and we should dress in 22 layers and bring hot soup in a thermos and a shovel. If it rains and there's wind at the same time, well it's the end of the world. It's the same with this disease thing. If you graze your knee you should be confined in a room for three days and all food will be handed to you by a man wearing a face mask and via a stick. And if a turkey or two die, kill 160 thousand just to be on the safe side.

Ladies and gentlemen I dropped an ice lolly on the M1 this morning, so be sure to bring extra supplies and drive no faster that 6mph. Passengers DON'T distract the driver at anytime and radios should be turned off except on the hour to hear the news so you can be sure to buy a helmet after you hear a satellite has crashed into Jupiter.