It's that time of year again, and Ask Allie presents an analysis from her Gouda years to answer the questions many of you likely have whenever you drive by someone's fully-decked exterior halls. Often times, the question is something like: 'What in the hell was that person thinking??'As an amateur psychologist wannabe, I have often felt comfortable (perhaps too comfortable) diagnosing people with all manner of mental pathology. It's gotten easier after a good bit of practice. All it takes is a very close examination of a person's tendencies and nuances and a knowledge of some clinical vocabulary. And in some cases a PhD. But screw that. I don't need a degree to help me figure out you're fucked in the head. Psychologists employ many tools to help gauge people's personalities and diseases of the mind, from administering written tests and inventories, to whipping out the trusty Rorschach inkblots when they feel stereotypically 'shrinky.'
But I'm here to present a more seasonally appropriate way to determine whether someone is suffering from a mental illness, and that is by examining the state of their Christmas light displays. Now, of course, such a test comes equipped with certain drawbacks. For instance, there is not a single shred of scientific verifiability here. Like the Rorschach, the Christmas Light Personality Test (CLPT) is subject to the interpretation of the test-taker, which makes reliability difficult. Still, as far as psychological testing goes, it's the most fun, and that's what we're after here. My goal is to provide you with a basic guide that will help you to become real-life psychoanalysts as you drive through your neighborhood at night during the months of November, December, January... and sometimes March or April. If you live in one of those latter neighborhoods, this test is rendered useless. That is because those citizens are beyond help and you should promptly move very far away from them.
1.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin/Anally Retentive/Republican
The minimal, monochromatic display exhibits the decorator's repressed sexuality. If the homeowner is a woman, she likely wears her hair pulled back in a tight bun, and pairs this with long skirts, support hose, and scratchy wool cardigans. The male is equally conservative and regimented in his form of dress and likely is wearing a sweater with a reindeer on it this very second, and he is possibly repressing homosexual tendencies. This house is also abnormally clean and organized.
2.
The Anally Expulsive/Meth Addict
The anally-expulsive decorator, as opposed to the anal retentive one, exhibits elements of disorganization and carelessness caused by being very liberally potty-trained as a toddler. In other words, if your parents literally let you play in your own feces, this is how you would likely decorate your house. It is also possible that this person experienced trauma that has forced him or her to regress to the age of five, when such an electrical mishmash would have been the ultimate display of a Wintertime Fantasy. Or, and this is the more likely explanation, this person strung up this chaotic disarray in the midst of a 4-day ride on the dragon.
3.
The Projectionist
After intense study of the light image being displayed on this home, I can determine that this person will engage in a defense mechanism whereby they insist that
you are a tacky, retarded individual who puts crappy, amateur Christmas decorations on your house. The reality is they are really just talking about themselves.
4.
The Matrix
This decorator was presented with a red pill, which would extract him from a computer-generated mind program designed to enslave humanity, and a blue pill which would make him blissfully ignorant of the 'real world.' He eventually chose the blue pill, but his subconscious mind continues to replay buried memories of his experiences fighting bad guys called Agents, and looking at the world through a cascade of computer code, which is manifested by the above light display.
5.
The Compensator
Penis, stature, bank account. You name it. No one puts this many lights on their home unless they are trying to make up for a bevy of inadequacy elsewhere.
6.
The Acrophobic
The untouched second story indicates that this decorator was too afraid to install lights up above, likely due to a fear of heights. Either that, or the house is occupied by midgets. Midgets afraid of heights. Or midgets without a ladder. Perhaps both.
7.
The Dissociative Identity
The disproportionately large numbers of inflatable and light-up figures in this person's yard suggests a subconscious expression of the decorator's myriad of personalities. The large snowman in the middle represents the dominant personality, suggesting that the person is rather cold-hearted and vulnerable to change, particularly in temperature.
8.
Dashed Hopes
The decorator aimed high, yet encountered an insurmountable obstacle, rendering the once ambitious display incomplete. Or, maybe the person who was hanging the lights suffered at the hands of a rickety ladder, and the surviving spouse decided to light the remainder as a tribute to the fallen.
9.
Gender Confusion
The decorator of this home is a transvestite. Here we witness the subconscious struggling with the masculine rigidity of the blue lights and the feminine flamboyance of the multi-colored festivity bedecking the window.
10.
The Phallus
Need I say more?