the bus ride was...well...a bus ride. God made it interesting and, like many things these days, turned it into a heart revealing lesson. the first 5 minutes on the bus i got sprayed down with Dr Pepper from a co-passenger. I looked down at my now soaked pants and thought, "you've got to be kidding me" but I said to the now cussing man, "It's all good."
so months ago when Susanna (my sister and best friend) and our good friend Brook and I chose 1 Corinthians 13:13 to be our verse-Susanna being faith, Brook hope and I was left with love- I had no idea how much God would truly speak into my life through that verse and our testimonies as friends. My first thought that night was, "I've never really had trouble with love, I love people because God made us equal. I long for true love...maybe that's something that will come out of this!" haha I do get my hopes up quite often.
But God has shown me over and over that my priorities are wrong, my attitude towards others has gone from love, compassion, and humility to pride, selfishness and arrogance. He really revealed my heart to me yesterday during the bus ride that made me sick to my stomache. I realized that when I looked at the people around me I saw dirtiness, sinful, and lowly lives. I found myself subconciously thinking of myself as better. oh how wrong am I! Compared to years past when my first sight of these people would make my heart yearn for them to come to know Christ like I do, I would begin praying for them, and loving them with a simple smile or kind word. How far have I come! And it saddens me greatly. I can only thank God for allowing me to acknowledge my unchristlike attitude and for revealing to myself my heart. The desires God strongly gave to me several years ago have been reborn: compassion, a heart to serve others and to change their lives, to love others the way Christ has loved me, to see every person as a child of God and as the image of God. This is what I strive for. To love. How can I be an example someday of love to a husband and child of love when I'm unable to see people as the Lord's masterpiece?
It is very strange being back in Utah. I almost wrote home but I don't regard anywhere right now as "home." I feel like I have 2 seperate lives. One here in SLC and one at Camp Redcloud. The stories I share with people are completely different in each location, somehow I wish I could share a little bit with the other. Maybe it will just take time. Relationships take time, I have to remind myself that every day. I am glad I am only back here for a few days, I realize I haven't missed it. I've missed my family a few times but other than that there isn't anything here for me. I think the only time I will really be able to feel at home is when I die. The second closest is one day when I have a family of my own. One day.
"The Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord!"
It's ironic that they chose love for me. It's been a rough process. I've been burned by relationships in the past so it's normally a touchy subject. I've longed for love so strongly that it often hurts. But who's love do I yearn most for? Have I placed human love before my desire of God's love? And my desiring of loving God? What are my motives for relationships and for love? When will God grant me the desires of my heart? More irony: I'm currently reading CS Lewis' "The Four Loves" Pretty much an amazing book. there's a chapter entitled Charity. just goes to show ya how incredible Lewis is eh?