I have to apologize first for being gone. I've had a lot going on and just needed to be gone for awhile, but I miss all your beatiful faces and words and all the other lovely things that make you all so awesome. I hope some of you missed me, too, but either way, I missed the shit out of you filthy motherfuckers.

I'm actually going to switch profiles soon to one that hopefully promotes my radio show better. The show that I haven't done in a couple weeks. I've only done 2 shows in the last month plus. So I only have myself to blame. Also because the show sucks. I only have myself to blame for that. But it will get better, I promise.

I still have a shitty job and have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going next, but I'm optimistic and positive for the most part about where things will go. I know something good is about to happen. I can feel it. But for now, things are fine and fine is a hell of a lot better than bad.

Besides work and personal/boring shit, I haven't been doing much that could be necessarily defined as productive. I haven't been doing much writing. (I'm not proud) I've been kind of in a haze. I'm just trying to figure out me and figure out life and figure out shit. It will all be fine, eventually, but right now the lack of direction and funds is stressing me the fuck out.

I had to do one of the hardest things in my life since we last spoke. Don't feel bad for me. I know I did the right thing, but I still feel a bit sick about it. I had to break someone's heart and it broke my heart, too. But then again, my heart already felt like it was broken for awhile and that's exactly why I knew it was time to go. I'm sorry, baby, but believe me, in the long run this will be the best thing for you, too. You probably already know that. You're a strong and beautiful woman and knowing you, you've probably already moved on and forgotten all about me. Ironically, that part of your personality is one of the things I loved about you most and it's the thing that will help you get over me and think of me as nothing but a piece of shit who wasted your time for a few months, if you remember me at all. (Sorry, y'all. She won't talk to me, so I have to talk to you guys. I've got to talk to someone about it...)

But I had to set you free and not just because Sting said so. I just knew that it was the best thing for both of us. I had no faith in me making you happy anymore. I didn't think I had it in me. It's not that I'm not a catch. I just wasn't your catch. I don't think I'm the person that can make you happy. I don't think I can excite you or do the things that will make you do backflips for eternity. I wanted to, but I just didn't think I could do it. You're awesome, we all know it and that's one of the many reasons it sucked hard and was easily one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Top 5 Worst Things About Breaking Up With You
1. Because I still loved you more than anything in the world at the time. -- There is nothing worse than ending it with someone you still love. Part of me will always love you, whether or not you want to believe it.
2. Because I know we would have had a lot of fun together for a long time. -- I just knew in my heart of hearts that it wouldn't have lasted forever. Maybe I should have just had fun while it lasted, but it was a long distance relationship and it was just too hard to maintain it while not being able to shake the feeling that she wasn't "the one" and I wasn't her "one".
3. You were a sexy motherfucker and impossibly irresistable.  -- Sex isn't everything, but it's a very important element and I know that we wouldn't have had any troubles in that department. Yeah, I'm probably an idiot for ending it, but I just felt like I had to do it. I felt that way for so many days in a row that I just knew it wasn't right to keep it going. The only regret I have is that I didn't tell her sooner. I feel horrible about leaving her in the dark about my feelings for I think it was about a month or so. But the thing was that I thought she didn't love me anymore. It doesn't make it right, but I really did feel like she wasn't into me anymore. Communication people.... We all need to work on it.
4. I wanted to make you happy. -- I wanted to be happy, too, but it was more important for me to make you and your child happy, because that would have made me happy. I wanted to be important to you and change your life and make you smile forever. Instead of doing that, I upset you. I hated myself for a few days there for doing that, but I also knew that it had to end. Really weird fucking feeling. That's why it took so long to tell you. And I was such a pussy I waited until you called and couldn't even call you myself. I really am a piece of shit. But I also loved you with all of my heart and wanted nothing but the best for you. I still wish you nothing but the best and know you will find it with someone who is more compatible with you. I'm really sorry that wasn't me. I wanted it to be me. I really did.
5. Hearing you cry. -- I didn't want to make you cry or fuck your life up even more. But I thought I was fixing your life in the long run. Maybe that's a fucked up way to look at it, but that was the only way I could justify it to myself, because I didn't want to do that to you. I just felt like I had to, for the good of both of us. I never wanted to hurt you, but I'd rather hurt you a little bit right now than hurt you after you've invested years in me as opposed to months. It would have hurt you a lot more if it ended down the line. There would have been too much invested. I know that doesn't make it feel any better, but I just didn't feel like you loved me the same. I felt like I was giving more and I understand why you couldn't give me more sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I should stick around if it doesn't feel right. I feel bad about your situation and would have done anything to help and tried real hard for a long time to do that, but it just didn't feel natural anymore. I was sad all the time and I got tired of waking up and missing you and feeling lonely and not knowing if and when you'd be available again. But you made me happy for a long time and I thank you for that and everything. You made an impact that could never be put into words and I will be shaking that off for a long time. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean that you made the kind of impact that just can't be forgotten overnight. Part of you will be stuck on me for a long time, even after you've long forgotten about me.

The thing that sucks about breaking up with someone is that even when you know it's right, a lot of it still feels wrong, especially when the person you break up with cries. There's just no good way to do it. It sucks. I don't blame you for being upset with me. But I do hope you understand why I did it at some point. And I selfishly hope you'll think of me in a good light again at some point down the road and be able to look back and smile at at least some of it. I also wish that you would have remained friends with me. I hope you'll reconsider someday. But I miss you nonetheless and hope your life will be better without me there to complicate it. Good luck with everything. Hang in there. Be happy. Stay beautiful and awesome and amazing and strong and brilliant. Whoever ends up with you will be an extremely lucky man. Take care.

Love Always,

Me

By the way, everybody, if you made it this far, I thank you and I must inform you once again that I will be switching profiles soon and that I will send requests your way and keep my fingers crossed that you will follow me to my new home. Thanks in advance for your cooperation. I miss you guys a ton and can't wait for our new adventure together. Peace and goodwill to Men at Work.

Happy Holidays.