It's been months since I've written anything of substance. That may still be debatable after this piece.

My life has been consumed by unexpected elements. Some good, some bad. Mostly good, truth be told. I've been mostly distracted by beauty. Selfish and simple pleasures such as procrastination and laziness have led my pen astray. Sleep has become a priority at times. Sometimes even being stuck in deep thought has kept me from writing. And fear after a long layoff has also taken its toll. And I have also fallen madly in love with a wonderful woman and much of my focus has gone and will go into hopefully making life for her as smooth as possible. One full paragraph in and I'm already boring myself.

But maybe I'm not as selfish as I think, because now it is the strife of other individuals that has inspired my fingers to talk once more. Or perhaps I should just keep my thoughts to myself and I'm a self-serving plick. Nonetheless, the plight of others has made me feel like I must right, for whatever reason, so here I go again, Mr. Coverdale.

Let's start off by saying that I almost wrote something profound (again, arguable) a week ago.

I planned to write a piece on Michael Jackson and why his death impacted me personally. (Self-aggrandizing fuckface, egomaniac and disingenuous ass clown are definitions for me that come to mind this time.) I also was going to write about the parallels between the King of the Populous and my hero Kurt Cobain. This sounds very pretentious, but it was very simple. It was interesting how they both died before they should have and they both had such an impact on me, but I was still beyond excited when the Mighty KC and them boys Nirvana displaced the only male Jackson that matters (nice try, Jermaine) on the pop charts. It was just time. MJ had already jumped the shark by that point, or at the very least, hurdled Bubbles.

I was going to go into more detail, but too much time has passed and I don't remember exactly what else it was that I was gonna ramble on about or if it was any good. But when Michael Jackson died, it sincerely all came back to me. All was forgiven. I mean, fuck, he's dead. All I remembered was that at a more innocent time in my life, (ironically an age at which MJ would have loved for me to come over to Le Ranch for a play date) MJ was also a prominent figure in my life and yes, a hero. Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me. Michael Jackson was always my king. Until Kurt came along, anyway. But shit, until then I wasn't even very familiar with the Beatles yet, so my opinion meant squat. I think Jackson's legacy should not be forgotten either way though. (My shitty taste aside.) The man was money when he was in his prime and probably would have stayed that way if not surrounded by Professor Numbnuts (dad) and his evil cohorts (the rest of the Jackson family. Sorry, Tito).

I was reminded of this again last night when watching the surprisingly only semi-gaudy memorial for the icon of all icons. I cried a few times. Call me any names that will make you feel better, but I honestly cried a few times. I think the first tears shed were partially selfish. "I'll Be There" is one of those songs that can get to me on any given day depending on the circumstances and I think last night I was just missing the girlfriend. I can't give Mariah Carey and her sweet rack (funeral be damned!) any more credit than that. Mad props to Nick's Cannon though for getting all up in that after the ceremonies. (Mourning sex rules! Tee hee hee.)

But as I teared up a couple more times during the cavalcade of superstars/memorial, it hit me how heartbreaking it truly was that Michael Jackson was dead and more importantly, why it was so heartbreaking. Sure, most cynics will just talk about the pedophilia "allegations". (By the way, has Chris Rock already made a joke about Michael Jackson being so good, that people forgave him for almost anything ie: "You know how fucking good your music has to be for people to forgive you for fingering poor little Timmy? That nigga was timeless!" If not, he should. I think he has, though. "Even O.J. didn't have that kind of staying power!") But the heartbreaking part of this whole epic saga has nothing to do with anything that happened post-Bad album. You see when Bad came out, you could see him slipping away a little bit, but you could also see and feel him holding on for dear life. He was bad, but he was still innocent. He didn't know where to go. Dude was lost. Of course that's his entire life in a nutshell, but by the time Dangerous came out, he was probably already too far gone, even though the cracks in the pavement (and his nasal cavity) weren't seen more clearly until later.

It took little more than watching a clip of him as a youngster with the Jackson 5, or in one of his publicity photos in his young 20's, smiling almost geekily and simultaneously looking like the coolest motherfucker of all-time, to grasp the heartbreaking part of it all. He was beyond innocent then. He was near flawless. He was magical. He was someone that a lot of us would have loved to be. He was even allmost free for a second there. Maybe the freest he would ever be. But he could never get far enough from the circus (mostly the one that started at home) to know what it was like to not be the center of all the madness.

If Michael was a monster, that is a hard reality to swallow. Not only is it hard to believe, or accept when looking at him in his younger days, but few monsters are built the way MJ was, if he indeed was one. Most monsters are born, I think. Michael's monster was masterfully constructed by tons of bat shit crazy "mentors" and years of frenzy and unrest. Another Mike--Tyson--could relate, I'm sure. If/when Michael Jackson did those hideous things to those innocent children, I believe with every fiber of my soul that it was not him, if that makes any sense. Michael Jackson stopped being Michael Jackson at about age 28. After that he was a shadow of a man. He wasn't even a man anymore. He was a bitter, confused transsexual robot on speed. And all Peter Pan jokes aside (and who doesn't love a good Peter Pan joke, besides Peter Pan) the man truly never did grow up. That's probably how he justified his molesting of children. He probably just thought he was playing around with one of his peers. That Jesus Juice shit was a bit psychotic though. He deserves some of the blame for that alone.

But I blame most of it on his dad. Why is that piece of shit still roaming the earth, by the way? That guy beat all of his li'l boys until they became a band of Latoya's. Except that they made LaToya look almost normal by comparison at times. Honestly, I don't know much about the other Jackson's, but Jermaine is a fucking weirdo, too. Marlon seems almost normal at times, and then he'll say something off the wall (pun intended) to make you go, "yup, he's a Jackson!" But Michael at 20 fucking years old was a monster. The good kind. And someone should have set him free so he could have gone Godzilla on pop dukes and leave the Jackson family compound in the dust. Literally. But I can't defend MJ anymore. Not because I don't want to. Because it will do no good. Either you get why it was a heartbreaking loss or you don't. It doesn't really matter what I think. But his music will truly live forever. And I will never forget why he was at one point of my life, a very important figure if not THE most important. I'll forever miss the old Michael. That's the only Michael there was anyway. Like I alluded to before, the MJ of the last 20-some odd years was not Michael at all. Another reason it's best to just remember him as he was in 1983, anyway. Case closed.

And now onto the other shit that I was originally going to talk about before going on the MJ rampage.

I have been latching onto selfish things that make me feel comfortable in my pathetic dwelling. It's not like I'm being a dick about it. I'm still a good person. I'm still proud of me. I still know I will make something of myself. But I have also forsaken things that are more important in lieu of things that just don't matter. I think we all do sometimes, but it hits closer to home when bad shit starts happening to good people.

A few examples:

My ex-fiance's cat (the love of her life that I almost was but ultimately could not be) has had some health complications and along with the stresses of every day life, have made her an occasional wreck. It's a helpless feeling when a human or pet that you love with all of your heart and soul hits a bump in the road and there is nothing you can really do except worry and wait, but I wish I could take away both of their pain and suffering. (See? I'm not all bad. Even when I'm being a piece of shit loser, I still want everyone else to be happy and pain and worry free.)

Another ex of mine is very sick right now and I am worried about her. She is a good person and a good friend and I don't want anything bad to happen to her. It would be heartbreaking. She's doing a bit better and I hope that's a continuing trend. Again, I wish I could just hug her and take all of her pain away.

A close friend of mine has become so stressed out (most of it because of the people in their life...ironically the people they're trying to help, while they fade away slowly) that they have turned to crystal meth as the only outlet from misery. It's heartbreaking and it's not the first time I've seen it. And though I've talked to them and I've seen this type of thing happen with other people, I still feel so heartbroken and helpless and i just don't know if and what I can do to help. I think I've done a lot already, but with crystal meth, it's hard to get through to the person you're talking to, because even though they know their lives are fucked up, they also know that when they are on the pipe, all that shit goes away. I almost understand it, even though I hate those pathetic pieces of shit. They need to stop and they know this and they hate the pieces of shit that they are becoming, but they are ultimately the only ones that can do anything about it and I am praying that they do the right thing and stop before it becomes REALLY bad. Because once it becomes that bad, it's pretty much over. And then I will have lost my friend. I fear I may have already...

Another piece of just heartbreaking news that I can do nothing with except ache and sigh and shake my head with fists raised to the heavens: Just found out that another close friend of mine's friend was murdered. Unreal. Just wow. Just why. I just want to hug these people until everything is okay, but I know I can't do that. I want to squeeze all the pain out. I want to be the pain juicer. But then where does all the pain go after it enters my veins? But it's not about me. I hate when people say that to me, because I am very selfless, but in these cases, it's not about me. It's about them and that's why I am writing this. I hurt for them, but I can't even imagine what they're going through.

Same goes for the love of my life who works so hard and tries so hard to do good and doesn't always have the best of my luck. I would do anything to take all her pain and stress away but at this point it's virtually impossible. But I know that she knows that I love her with every fiber of my soul and that's all I can do for now. Luckily it comes naturally. She is my angel. She truly is like a princess to me. So I have devoted my life to do anything in my power to take care of her, even though she's more than strong enough to do it on her own.

"I love all of you hurt by the cold."

So as much as my will feels broken at times and I feel lost and lonely and clueless and pathetic, I am lucky to be surrounded by such individuals who have the strength to go on and inspire me to do the same. We all have to carry each other in these times. This is no time to be selfish and lord knows I have been at times and I will never stop apologizing for it. But I am proud of myself, too. I have been through a lot and I will still wish that everyone else feels better. Maybe that's what makes me feel better.

P.S. I need you guys, too. Just sayin'. I love being there for you, but sometimes I am weak, too. I am human. I don't need you to do anything but just be there. So keep being there. You guys are awesome. Thanks. And for those of you who didn't stick around when I needed you most? I don't want to say anything too mean, but you're all a bunch of Rev. Al Sharpton's. Fraudulent. Assholes. Kill. Everything. F.A.K.E.

"People are fragile things you should know by now...."