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Category: Writing and Poetry
Party Etiquette
By Jordan Cwierz
People ask me all the time, “Jordan! You’re such a master of everything and are devilishly handsome, so you must get invited to parties all the time! I need to know how to best conduct myself when I go to a party, because I always end up getting drunk and waking up in Mexico. Help me, please!”
Naturally, I can hardly stand to hear people talk this long, not to mention whine. But they are right: I am devilishly handsome, and I am invited to parties all of the time. In fact, I’m at one right now, so my track record pretty much speaks/is speaking for itself.
While getting drunk and waking up in Mexico ranks high on terrible party outcomes, it could be worse. When you blackout and wake up near a smoldering pile that was once a house, and you are holding a Molotov cocktail in one hand, and the President’s underwear in the other, there’s going to be some repercussions. Then there’s always the embarrassing alternatives of being asked to leave, having called security on you, or being defenestrated from a party. To avoid such embarrassment, your goal at any party should be not only be to become the life of the party, but to see it through to the end.
As a party connoisseur, I find it is my duty to stay until the party ends, because only then can I be sure that it was worth staying to the end for. While you, a laymen, just show up for cake or snacks and leave after an hour? FORGET IT. A party isn’t complete until it has run its course, and then it is time for it to be judged critically and harshly.
Sometimes, though, it can be hard to differentiate between a good party and a bad one. Fortunately, I’ve constructed a nifty formula that will get you the answer you are looking for:
Start out counting the set of napkin stacks there are at the party in question. This is your base number. From there, multiply the variety of beer brands (Bud and Bud Light are not two separate brands, people). Then subtract the number of guests who are over the age 27. Add the number of kegs present, and then divide by the number of beer bongs. Then multiply by the number of police visits. If the cops broke up the party, but it started again later in a different location, add 23. Add the number of hours the party lasted. If the result is greater than 32, the party was a success and should be talked/blogged about as such.
Though I bet you’re wondering what all this has to do with party etiquette. The truth is, it has EVERYTHING to do with party etiquette. The party’s worth is paramount to the way you should act during and after the party.
For example, if at the end of the night the party is deemed a failure, there are codes of conduct that must be followed, because the party host and venue owe you for wasting your time. So to make up for it, steal something from the house or rented auditorium: Maybe a nice painting, a clock radio, some chairs, perhaps a urinal, you decide. If stealing isn’t your thing, or other people did the math quicker than you, you can explain the situation to the host or hostess and demand reimbursement. The average rate is 46 cents for every hour of the party’s duration. Don’t feel bad, think of it as their comeuppance for all the other bad parties they may have thrown.
But before you can deem a party's worthiness, you must become the LIFE OF THE PARTY. To accomplish this, follow these steps and you will be a party connoisseur in no time.
STEP 1: Style
You must never be under-dressed to any event. This is why I wear my tuxedo to every shindig I go to, even if it is a child's birthday party. You can never be TOO CAREFUL, after all. You may get some odd looks, but it's better than wearing a t-shirt with a picture of that talking wall-mounted bass that always ONE PERSON wears at any party.
 Dressed for success.
STEP 2: Socializing
It's vital that you be the most INTERESTING person at the party. I don't care if Albert Einstein's corpse has become reanimated and is solving complex math equations for everyone, you have to TOP HIM (and after that, shoot zombie Einstein in the head).
You can try showing off by making up a story about how you saved a baby penguin from a melting glacier. If anyone points out you've never been to Antarctica, ask them why they hate baby penguins. That will shut them up and make you look better in the eye of the baby penguin-sensitive at the party. Score. If you are one of those goody goodies and hate lying, then you can always tell your more boring story of how you had to carry your groceries through the back door of your house because the front door squeaks and you do not want to disturb the sleeping baby penguins next door. Actually, this is another good story. SCORE.
If all else fails (which is to say, if you are at a party where no one cares about baby penguins), go ahead and make a fake commercial about how awesome you are. You can play this commercial when you are at the party (after you've covertly placed the DVD in the player, figured out the input on the TV, and turned on the surround sound). BOOM. INSTANT SCORE.
Step 3: Seal the deal
So you look good and you've got their attention. Now it's time to seal the deal and become the life of the party. Try out some AWESOME DANCE MOVES you learned from Steve Wozniak or sing some karaoke (even if there is no karaoke machine. This is called thinking outside the box). Surely your fellow party-goers will see you mean business, and you will become the talk of the event, and as a result, the life of the party.
Step 4: Eliminate the competition
You won't be the only one gunning for life of the party status, so you need to watch out for the competition. Watch for people trying to woo the other guests with crazy tales of saving polar bear cubs or something stupid like that. Your job is to keep one step ahead of them by making your stories more awesome (by LYING) and your dance moves more more dancey. And if they start hitting on the party host or hostess, you must one up them by seducing the host or hostess. Thus is the life of a party connoisseur, my friend.
So perhaps now you are not so ignorant on the ways of the party expert. I guarantee that if you follow these steps, you will become the life of any party. Then with some simple calculations, you can see if it was even worth becoming the life of the party in the first place. That's what parties are all about, and if you think otherwise, YOU HAVE LEARNED NOTHING.
Enjoy the perks of being the life of the party, for they only last for a short time. And to clarify what exactly the perks of being the life of the party are . . . well, you usually get to cut the line to the bathroom, so that's pretty good. PARTY ON.
9:44 PM
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