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Category: Writing and Poetry
A Guide to Proper Sentence Enhancing By Jordan Cwierz
WARNING: THIS POST IS RATED R FOR
"RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF SWEARING"
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
There are few better ways to spice up a sentence, to give it a little more authority, than by cursing. Sprinkling some tabooed words over a sentence can add flavor and meaning to the dullest of sentences, and even intimidation and fear to the already threatening. But cursing must be used PROPERLY, or you will come across as a weakling just trying to be cool by throwing in random swears. You do not want this. So how can you enhance your sentences correctly? I'll tell you.
There are three basic rules when it comes to the application of cuss words: Setup, Choice, and Execution. Let's break it down.
1. SETUP
While in conversation, you must plan ahead and know when you will use a curse word. This way, you have a well thought out plan, which will lead to the desired effect of the swear. Setups are key to the next steps, so do not overlook the importance of proper setup.
When setting up, you must steer the conversation away from the coming curse, so that it is unexpected and all the more powerful. Coax the other member(s) of the conversation into a sense of security and pureness. Some helpful topics to talk about when setting up include:
-Puppies
-Rainbows
-Unicorns
-Babies and/or toddlers
-Dr. Seuss
-Baked goods
-Kobe Bryant
Once you are fully immersed in one or all of these topics, you must move onto the next phase of PROPER SENTENCE ENHANCING: choice.
2. CHOICE
Choosing the proper curse word is like choosing the correct car: You want value, you want people to admire it, and you want it to take you places. There is a time and place for every word of curse, and it is up to you to pick the right one. You can't always use the Corvette when the Camry will get the job done. In other words, you don't want to OVERKILL.
Example of Overkill:
"I just found twenty COCK SMOKING MOTHERFUCKING dollars on the sidewalk."
Then there is always the opposite of overkill, in which the word doesn't convey the right amount of passion, as illustrated here:
"I hate your face so much! It is crappy!"
So how can you be sure which word is right for your situation? Choosing is a pivotal part in the process of sentence enhancing. Experienced potty mouths know that it is a delicate procedure. But even the best of swearers of our time can swing and miss. But other times, it's a grand slam. The decision is up to you; don't be afraid to follow your gut or instincts. Sometimes a last minute change or spontaneously conjured portmanteaus get excellent reactions.
3. EXECUTION
Perhaps the most important step of all. The execution of your enhanced sentence is CRUCIAL. You can have the best setup, the perfect word, and then you can BLOW IT ALL TO PIECES with poor execution. Proper execution means not stumbling on words and speaking at the ideal speed. The sentence should feel like landing a punch square in someone's face.
Inflection is key to conveying the proper emotion behind your enhanced sentence. You can be feeling angry, but a mistake in inflection could leave you coming across as sexually aroused, which is a PROBLEM. Remember to be stern when angry, putting extreme emphasis on your swears and yelling VERY LOUDLY.
If all three steps are done correctly, your enhanced sentence will do one of three things: (1) Leave people in the conversation astonished and amazed, (2) Cause the people in the conversation to cry with joy and clap, or (3) Cause the people in the conversation to explode inexplicably. If any one of these things happens, you know you have just successfully and masterfully CURSED. Congratulations.
Notes for Beginners
Hey kids. Cursing is fun. We all love to do it. But it takes plenty of practice to swear properly. Keep these notes in mind the next time you decide to drop a curse word:
-Fuck, while powerful, should be used sparingly and for ideal situations.
-Do NOT ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER use the dreaded C Word when a lady is within a five mile radius.
-Shit and damn are best used as jabbing swears. Feel free to use them as much as you want.
-Creating your own swears is fun and stylish. Be creative!
-Placing curse words within words is fun for the whole family! Abso-fucking-lutely!
-Motherfucker is another powerful word to be used sparingly. When used perfectly, it could actually kill someone.
-Prick and douche bag are good proper noun-type swears.
-Crap and hell are just child's play. Don't waste your time with them.
Happy swearing, douche bags!
1:43 AM
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