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Current mood:  blessed
A long time ago, there was a big, brown eyed bushy-tailed little girl and BOY did she love her grandpa. You see, her grandfather was a preacher and she loved to hear him preach. Although she didn't understand what he was talking about, she loved to see him on the pulpit ranting and raving and waving his arms in the air as he preached. Every time she went to her grandparent's house, she would run through the door, past her grandma, much to her grandma's dislike, and jump in her grandpa's lap, give him a big ol' hug, look him with her big brown eyes and say, "Grandpa, I lub you!" Boy, did she adore her grandpa.
One morning day, she woke up and found her daddy sitting on the couch alone in the dark living room dimly lit by the television. She walked up to her daddy, put her hand on his knee and asked him, "Daddy, what's wrong." With tear swollen eyes he looked at her big brown eyes and said, "Grandpa went to heaven." The little girl pondered this for a minute, climbed into her daddy's lap, wrapped her tiny, little arms around his neck and said, "Well, I'm here daddy."
A few days later the little girl went to her grandfather's funeral. At the family dinner after the funeral the little girl saw her normally social grandma sitting by herself in the corner looking down at the floor. The little girl walked up to her grandma and put her little hands on her grandmother's face, looked her in the eye with those big brown eyes and said, "Grandma, I'm sorry grandpa died ... TODAY'S MY BIRDDAY!" Ever since then my grandma calls me each year on my birthday to remind me of the time I told her, "Today's my birdday!" I apologized to her for my actions but she always tells me, "Child, please. When you told me that I busted out laughing and at that point I knew that everything was going to be okay." ... from the mouth of babes.
Growing up, I was a very skinny. A lamp post had more curves than I did, haha. I was also a very sickly child. I had severe athsma that cause me to take many trips to the hospital and stay for weeks at a time. I had severe allergies and so I could never go outside to play. If I did it was only for a short time. At the age of 10 I started to develop bleeding ulcers. The doctors said that the ulcers were due to my constant worrying. I've been to every stomach, gasteroenterolist and holistic doctor imaginable. I've had just about every medical test known to man performed on me all before the age of 15. I've been on every antacid, ulcer and stomach medication possible. I suffered with ulcers and stomach problems until the age of 22.
From a very early age, for several years, I was molested by my mother's brother. I know this isn't an easy subject to talk about but things like this DO happen. I never told my parents for years because I thought they would be ashamed of me and would not want me anymore. When I told my mother I was shocked at her reaction. She just held me in her arms and cried and told me that she loved me.
School was very difficult for me. I attend a lower-class elementary and middle school. I was very shy, skinny, dark-complexed and had big feet for my age. I was teased because my clothes weren't name brand. I was teased for having to pay full price for lunch instead of getting free lunches. I was teased because my parents insisted that I speak proper english and not use slang words. I was teased because I to go to special classes for kids with advanced reading and math skills. I teased because I couldn't play on the playground for too long or I would get sick. I never got invited to ANY parties, sleepovers or social events. I had my first real birthday at the age of 8 but no one came. I had first real friend at the age of 10. She was the only white girl in my class and the only person who accepted me for who I was. I was called an "uncle tom" and a sellout. There is nothing worse than to get rejected from your own people. My parents, especially my mother, embraced other cultures and other people. They taught me that other people may look different on the outside but we were all the same on the inside. That if everyone in the world had no skin, we would all look the same. As an adult, realize that these things were BLESSINGS and not a curse. These things may seem trivial and insignificant now but as a child these things can and will tear you down. I didn't understand why I had to be so different. I constantly fought with my parents and hated them for making me so different. I thought that if I could just fit in that everything would be great. I thought that maybe I would have friends and they would love me.
I was blessed to grow up with two very understanding, loving, and sacrificial parents. I didn't get very thing I wanted but I was given everything I needed. My parents made sure that my siblings and I never went hungry and we were always clothed. As an adult I realize now that they loved me very much because they were strict. I mean, VERY strict. It wasn't until I graduated high school that I was able to stay out past midnight. For you kids who are lucky to be able to stay out late, be grateful! You don't know how good you have it! I wasn't allowed to wear makeup, go on dates or even wear contacts until I was 17.
When I was 18 years old, I attended a college in Nebraska. Not wanting to be the social outcast that I was in elemetary, middle and high school, I started to become more sociable. I started drinking every night until I passed out. I never did any drugs but I was at every party trying to be the "cool girl". I became sexual promiscuous just so I could feel wanted and needed. I thought that if I did these things that someone might love me but that wasn't the case. They didn't love me. They loved what I did for them. My ulcers were getting worse and so did my drinking. I felt an empty void inside and I tried to fill it with sex, alcohol, and friends. Then one day a friend invited me to a campus bible study. I didn't have anything better to do so I went. When I met the bible study leader. The first thing I noticed about her was her warm smile and vibrant personality. But even more than that, I noticed her eyes. Her eyes were filled with a kind of love that I had never seen before. It was a burning, passionate kind of love. During the study she said something that I will never forget. With a very intense look in her face and her loving, burning eyes she said, "If I were the only one in the history of the world who sinned, Jesus still would've died for me." Then she looked directly at me. Talk about a deer in headlights. I froze and streams of tears began to fall from my face. It was a minute or two before I realized that I was crying. I knew about Jesus my whole life. I was in church most of my life and had been baptized at the age of 12. I knew everything Jesus did and that he was the son of the one and only God. I was never active in church activities because I didn't want to be labeled as a "bible thumper" or a "religions nut". But it wasn't until that moment that Jesus became personal to me. How could he do that for me? Why would he do that for me? ME of all people!! I thought I was past the point of no return. There were many a nights I would cry myself to sleep because I felt ashamed, unclean and unwanted. I knew my parents loved me but I thought that my parents HAD to love and that there was some sort of parental contract that you must sign when you child is born to love them unconditionally. My family loved me because they HAD to love me. They were REQUIRED to love me. I thought that maybe if I wasn't around I wouldn't be a burden to them. There were many nights that I lied awake praying that the LORD would just let me die. That I would get into a car accident or accidentally get shot so that it would end my shameful life. I contemplated suicide and daydreamed about it in class. When night fell I would go to a party and get drunk so pain would go away, even for a little while. Those few words changed my life ... "Jesus still would have died for me." Me?? Why me? I'm nobody special. I'm a bad person. A VERY bad person. Why would he do this for me? Why does he love me? I didn't even love myself. I hated myself. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. On the outside I was the lovable, cool party girl that everyone loved. On the inside, I was a crippled, little girl sitting in the shadows whaling and sobbing her heart out. After I heard those words, the little girl on the inside finally came out whaling and sobbing. I asked why did he do it for me? Why? The bible study teacher looked at me with soft eyes and told me, "Because he loves you." I cried and cried at the thought that someone would do that for me. No one I knew would EVER do that for me. Someone that love me, knowing what I did and knowing who I was. The void I felt disappeared and was filled with a love that I had never felt before. I was born again. I viewed the world with new eyes. I didn't have to get drunk to feel accepted. I didn't have to have sex to feel loved. There was someone who loved me for WHO I WAS. He would never get mad at me or get disappointed. He loved me for me. The real me. Not the person who I was on the outside but the crippled, little girl on the inside. I didn't have to earn his love. He gave it to me freely. Knowing that he was there when I was alone at night, crying myself to sleep lets me know that he cared. I should have been dead many, many, many times over but he held on to me because even if I were the only person in the world to sin, he loves me enough to still get abused, beaten, cursed and crucified for this crippled, little girl.
 | Currently listening:
I Need You Now
By Smokie Norful
Release date: 2002-06-18 |
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11:31 PM
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