“Your friends are idiots.”

Not necessarily your
friends, but other people’s friends.

Well they are.

Stick with me now.

I use the “your friends are idiots” statement roughly zero
to six times a day depending on how many tattoos and piercings I do. I don’t
use it on everyone, just anyone I deem suspect of willingly associating with
moronic peers, which includes most people. If you’re under twenty-one, it’s
almost a guarantee I’m going to call you out on having friends who claim to
know a lot more than they do. Nothing personal. I’m not implying you are stupid, just that some of the
people you know are.

Wait, no. I’m not implying some of the people you know are
stupid. I’m saying they are - because
they are. And some of the people I know are stupid as well. Look at that. We’re
all in the same boat together, cruising down the river and not always having
the chance to choose the person that bought the ticket for the seat next to us.
Cute.

It’s not that I’m an asshole; it’s that I know there are a
significant number of people in our population who spend a lot more time saying
“I know” than they do actually asking questions so they really can “know.” The
appearance of not knowing is far scarier and more horrifying and embarrassing
than of not being trusted again because they are known to give out false
information.

If I ask you the population of Lithuania, don’t tell me four
and a half million instead of “I don’t know.”

I tattooed a friend’s nephew not long ago. After I finished
his tattoo, I taped a bandage over the bloody area and told him the best way to
care for his tattoo.

“Your friends are idiots,” I told him. “Don’t listen to what
they’re going to tell you. All you need to do is wash your tattoo a couple
times a day with soap and water. If it gets too dry and itchy, use a small
amount of unscented lotion after you wash it to help prevent it from getting
too dry.”

“Alright,” he said, paying close attention to my words.

“If your friends tell you to use Neosporin, Bacitracin, or
anything else, you have my permission to call them fools who don’t know what
they’re talking about.”

My friend’s nephew laughed. I was serious in my message, but
humorous in the delivery.

A couple hours later he called me at the shop.

“Roy told me not to use unscented lotion because it will
pull the color out. He said to use Bacitracin. What should I do?” He sounded
concerned. Justifiably so.

“Roy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Bacitracin is
unnecessary and could cause problems (though not definitely). Unscented lotion
won’t pull the color out.” Thankfully, he double-checked with me.

And so it goes. Not all clients call to confirm however. No
matter how many times I give a client aftercare instructions for a tattoo or
piercing, I still get someone coming in with a problem because they disregarded
my instructions and listened to some ill-informed, self-mandated expert in
“body modification” because they have a tattoo and a nipple piercing and met a
tattoo artist in line at 7-11 three years ago.

“My friend said to clean it out with bleach and a wire scrub
brush six times a day…Soap and water could lead to an infection…”

I didn’t start this to complain about clients who disregard
my aftercare instructions. I still sleep fine at night knowing that all I can
do is lead the horse to water.  After
that, my last device is hope. Rarely will I feel sympathetic for someone who
shoots themselves in the foot – after being told that if they point the gun at
their foot and pull the trigger, they will shoot themselves in the foot.

But the “your friends are idiots” assertion is not so
surprisingly universal. Tattoo and piercing aftercare is just a small island in
a world with a bullshit epidemic. Throughout life, everyone is trying to offer
you an onslaught of shitty advice on everything from the food you should eat
and the way you should react to a dilemma with your significant other (people encourage
you to over-react and “leave that bitch/motherfucker”) to convincing you to get
wasted the night before a job interview.

People rarely give you advice with your best interests in
mind.

And thus, taking advice is something that should rarely be
done. I’d like to be cute and tell you to always follow your instincts, but
sometimes instincts lead to murder scenes. For those of us who don’t default to
violent solutions for which our brains can find no other problem solving
technique, I think instincts usually lead to results that make us happier in the
long term.  

I’d like to be a suave, wise man and tell you I have no
regrets. People often say, “I have no regrets; just experiences I learned
from.” It always reeks of denial. Everyone has regret. If 25% of teens have an
STD, then definitely, at least 25% has regret. And probably more than one.
Anyone who says that they have no regrets probably took no chances.

I have plenty of regrets. And I’m scared knowing that I’m
foolish enough to end up making a few more before I die. But unlike many
people, I figured something out to help reduce the number I could easily make: Many
of the situations I regret most happened because I was under the influence of
someone during those situations. I wasn’t myself. I was acting to please
another person, or rather, from a stricter psychological theory, to avoid
feeling outside the circle of acceptance.

And just for the record, the whole “circle of acceptance”
thing is something every human should shrug off their shoulders before high
school graduation. Failing to do so will result in a lot of shitty choices
throughout life. Find some decent friends or have none at all. Not having
friends is not as frightening as it sounds. It can actually be quite liberating
if you have a couple hobbies to keep you busy.

There is a bright side to it all. The situations I am
happiest about in my life happened because I made a decision and completely
disregarded and refused someone’s unrequested advice. I did what I knew was
right. Cute, I know, but very true.

All I’m trying to say is that a lot of the people you know
aren’t smart. They’re really quite dumb. Even your friends. Even the ones with
degrees, nice cars, and fancy hairstyles. Especially the ones with fancy
hairstyles. They please and congratulate themselves a lot more than they really
deserve to. There’s a whole lot of “patting yourself on the back” happening in
living rooms and workspaces across the planet.

Don’t be afraid to ditch someone who ends up holding you
behind, no matter how long you’ve known them or what your connection once was
and no longer is. A lot of people are spending a lot of time dragging you down
because they don’t understand your definition of success. Keep an eye out for
the smart ones. Keep an eye out for people who say “I don’t know” or “I never
quite considered that.” It means they’re still open. More importantly, it means
they’re less likely to bullshit you.

And by the way, don’t put Neosporin on your tattoos or clean
your piercings with alcohol. You’ll cause a lot more problems than you’re going
to solve.