This year so far has been full of more soul searching, more me.  Full of myself?  No...but it sounds that way if I try to say what I mean.  I have been working to put the spotlight on myself more.  There is healing that needs to be done and I needed to stop neglecting myself and find the happy medium.  I could literally write a mini novel on all the feelings that cycle through my body each day, but I'm going to cut to the chase.

Instead of setting crazy, irrational goals (as I did the last week of December), I've noticed that I have just been trying "to do".  Don't work my butt off for a number and renig and then wallow in failure and make the situation worse.  Instead, I have been just doing.  Do the things I have always wanted, talked about, dreamt about...do them, try them, continue with them if I like them.  By making myself multifaceted in action and not just in words, I have been focusing on myself and my heart core.  I forget about the numbers, I stop worrying if I will make a deadline, and I just go for it and enjoy it.  As I add on more layers to myself...or rather, as I peel back the calluses and find the soft skin...I become more radiant with life. 

I have a couple examples of giving up on the drill-sergeant letter-to-my-own-law goals and just enjoying the path.  One is my going back to school.  I set out and signed up for an online class (International Politics) in December so I can get back into school and finish.  I had a goal to finish that class by the end of April.  There is no way I am going to meet that deadline.  Quite frankly, I haven't been disciplining myself as much as I'd like to.  But, when I do read and work on my assignments, I enjoy them tremendously and take extra time to put forth effort above-and-beyond what is required.  All my marks so far have been great, and I've begun to develop a very respectful relationship with my professor.  I feel worth something, and the fear of having lost all my intelligence has slowly begun to diminish.  Sure, I'm bummed I haven't come as far as I'd like.  But I also have to consider that I haven't been in school in nearly five years and it's going to take some time to adapt.  I'm enjoying the class and that is what matters.

Another example is losing weight.  I expected to lose 120 pounds this year.  Will that happen?  Probably not.  By saying probably not, I'm not discounting the possibilities.  I'm just ridding myself of setting myself up for failure.  I even went to a physician, a dietician, got ridiculous amounts of blood work done, and took prescription drugs to help lose the weight.  I spent nearly $1,000 on medical bills only to realize that it's just not going to work that way.  I need to listen to myself, to my inner voice, to my heart, not to the opinions of others who don't know me, who don't understand what I've been through, and don't believe in my capabilities.  The only answer isn't needing weight loss surgery.

So what have I done to solve my weight loss conundrum?  Well, I stopped weighing myself for starters.  Then I signed up for things I've always wanted to do: belly dancing and yoga.  (Okay, I signed up last year for belly dancing, but I am still dancing!)  I stopped riding in cars with people much and I started taking the bus and train everywhere like I should have been all along.  I started walking around my neighborhood more, to church, the doctor, the tea shop, wherever I could.  In turn, I have discovered amazing little hidden gems and I have been excited over the little things in life.  I notice my stamina growing more.  I have no idea how much I weigh.  But you know what?  I'm enjoying my life.  And I'm being healthier in the things I do.  Those are good changes to make.  I had to get right with myself before I tried to tackle a big number.

So, there are some things that I have tried/started, and some more I plan to try out and accomplish this year.  The list is constantly growing, but here are a few:

The Beautiful Project

Today Blair had a little photo shoot for me! It was sooooo much fun. We went to Fremont Park in Sugarhouse (just a few blocks from my house) and frolicked in the leaves. Blair is so much fun and made me laugh like crazy and kept catching me in the silliest poses.

I want to be honest. It's really difficult for me to look at a real photo of myself and feel like I'm beautiful. I so often get sucked into believing the things that the media tells us about beauty; I know we all have believed those lies at one point or another. I have a really hard time looking at my body and every imperfection and thinking that I am beautifully made and that the soul behind my eyes radiates with something more than my outer shell shows.

This photoshoot really challenged me to see myself for more than the general world sees me. It forces me to be honest with myself. The pictures motivate me to change for me, for my health, and for my future.

So this is me being honest with myself. No more angle pictures. No more holding myself back because I don't have ambition, and because all I do is talk but not act.

This is me. I was at my highest weight a month ago. My face has grown rounder and a bit of a double chin is more prominent now. I've got a big belly and my legs and hands are thick and stumpy.

I daydream a lot but am too afraid to act because I have social anxiety due to fear of what the world will say next to hurt me. I hold myself back because I blame everything on my weight. I haven't felt overly motivated to lose like I used to and it scares me. I hate how I feel all of these things.

I love that I finally started belly dancing like I've always wanted to. I am hoping to start yoga (Yoga for Bigger Bodies :)) in January. I joined Curves again and I have a membership at Golds Gym. I want to be able to go on mountain hikes without feeling embarrassed that I'm short of breath. I want to go to the gym regularly and not feel frustrated that my body hurts. I want to ride a roller coaster...I never have because I don't think they can secure the lap bar.

I want to finish school. I have so many aspirations. I want to renew my Spanish skills and be completely fluent. I want to learn French, Italian, Portuguese, German...all fluently. I want to try learning Arabic, Chinese. I want to go on humanitarian trips and serve in the field. I want to sit on a plane and have lots of extra length on my seat belt. The depth of my passions is endless and I truly fall in love with everything and everyone so fiercely.

I love nature. I want to take a backpacking trip. I'd love to hike part of the Appalachian Trail. I want to do a backpack trip in Denali. I'm a bit of a hippie and an earth worshiper.

I want to be alive again. I want to stop talking and doing. I want to look in the mirror and see my personality. I want to see all the beautiful pieces of my heart that make me love people passionately. I want to see my faith in divinity and my desire to be like the Savior reflect back at me. No matter what size or how many chins I have or how many inches on my waist or how bucky my teeth are, I want to look in the mirror and say "I am beautiful".

I see beauty in every person and every thing around me, and now it's my turn to see it in myself. This is the beginning of believing in the beauty of myself.

So yesterday I mentioned that Quinn called me out of the blue in the morning. I wrote him a short note last night telling him I appreciate his call and telling him he's wonderful and that his kindness is beautiful and he's inspiring.

He replied back this morning with a happy little note, too:

"I'm glad that it helped, I just felt like I should call yesterday. I don't always know the right things to say, but I want you to know you're very precious and a friend and it's important to me that you know you're loved. We all have bad times and I think we all need those reminders sometimes. Thanks for being my friend. Hope you have a fantastic day! :)"

I love the little things like this in life. His genuinity and simple words moved my heart and make me love others even more. Kindness is infectious and a beautiful thing. I think we should all go out and start a little Hug Campaign in our lives. :) Love and hugs and kindness mend so many things!

I seriously think I burned like 800 calories in belly dancing tonight! Holy crap, we shimmied every part of our body forEVER without stopping and it felt amazing! :) Between the out-of-control shimmies, moving parts of my body I didn't know I could move like that, the crescent shimmies, and the crazy walking hip drops...I was invigorated and felt amazing and felt a pound lighter. :)

Oh, and I bought another hip scarf so I have two I can alternate between. I originally wanted a solid striped one with less coins, but the store didn't have any but really petite ones. In the back of the studio Thia had a bunch of scarves hanging that she hadn't really put up for display yet. I saw this gorgeous striped dark gemtone scarf (navy, burgundy, hunter green, royal purple, gold) with deep bronze gold coins more intricately hung (and the coins are secured more tightly). And bonus, it was a long one for plump girls like me :) So I HAD to buy it. It's amazing and gorgeous. Hip scarves are like a walking alarm to let people know I'm coming, because my roommates totally knew when I was coming in the house as I was all jingly sounding. :)

Today was a decent day. Gloria is back from her Alaskan Cruise! She brought me some adorable Alaska socks and a DVD postcard of the Northern Lights since she knows I badly miss seeing them back home.

Also, today at an appointment I was told that the color I was wearing (deep red) looked pretty on me and that my makeup - especially my lipstick - was gorgeous. Funny thing was, is that I wasn't wearing any makeup! I rarely do! I told him I wasn't wearing any and he couldn't believe my lips are naturally so dark and "rich" in color. He also asked if I was wearing eye makeup and I said no as well...and he was amazed that my eyes are so defined and my lashes so long. He's not the first person to say something about my lips...I've had probably a dozen people I can think of ask me what lipstick I wear because it's gorgeous. I call it "Stephanie au natural". :) Besides, I don't own lipstick and have never purchased any (only gloss once in a blue moon). I just like it natural. Anyway, it was a nice comment. I felt slobby but he thought I was all dolled up. :)

This morning Quinn called me to tell me I'm wonderful and amazing and also that he's so glad he's my home teacher, and that he just wanted to call and tell me he was thinking about me in that moment this morning. How sweet. :) I'm blessed to have good friends!

That is all. Time to let my muscles relax!