The Baby, the whole Baby, nothing but the Baby, so help us God.

This week...and, quite a lot lately...I've looked around the spiritual battlefield of life during some pretty heavy enemy fire, and wondered, "where did everyone go?"  Silly me.... I tend to believe that people mean what they say. 

When you enter ministry in any aspect, and particulary if you're serious about gaining ground and winning people over to Christ - you find yourself square in the crosshairs of some nasty, blood thirsty devils.  I've come to expect it.  Nothing in my life so far has been easy...but, that's ok.  God has made me strong. 

Psalm 18:34
He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

And...my faith has grown strong and not easily shaken.  God goes before me, and is my rear guard as well.  But still, Lord.... how much more could be accomplished with an army? 

The danger for me at this point is becoming angry at those who are weak.  I've become quite intolerant of weakness.  It's expected in the youth I've set out to lead....but, seasoned Christians should be formidable warriors...not cowardly ducking into the trenches whenever things get tough. 

And since I'm out on this limb.... may I add that I've been disappointed to discover that there are many who mascarade as godly men who want to love and care for this generation...and, then I find that they are only really interested in bringing in the ones who aren't too much trouble, and who's parents are willing to tithe.  I missed the memo....I actually thought we were supposed to love the unlovely, to clothe the naked, to care for the sick, to nurture the abused.  My mistake... 

I take great comfort in knowing that there are some who stand with me, who believe the actual Word of God and walk in it - like my pastor Doug.  If it weren't for men like him, I would have lost heart long ago and packed up for home (where ever that would be).  But, I still mourn over the many who don't want to be troubled with the "bad kids"....the ones that are so beautiful to me.  My heart overflows with love and admiration for this generation...and especially for the ones who don't quite fit the mold of what's deemed "acceptable".  I'm truly amazed that so few can see the diamonds they are under the rough exterior.  I think they are the greatest kids ever...and, I'd die for any one of them.  And what's more...I'll LIVE for them - to lay my life down and serve them in the name of Jesus.  And, I'm happy to do it! 

I'm not ashamed of my motley crew... on the contrary, I'm exceedingly proud.  Give me a bad, punky kid any day of the week over a shallow spoiled kid, and I'll show you what the Lord can do with a heart yielded to Him.  So, there's an occasional court date to contend with, and perhaps an issue or two that may cause the naive to blush.  But, you gotta see what's in their heart - what God shows me about each one of them.  You know what?  When these kids grow into maturity, they won't retreat when life gets hard - they will stand and fight.  They won't abandon their fellow soldiers...and do you know why?  Because they've always had to be strong, and have had to rely on each other when life dealt them an unfair hand.  They've suffered everything from abandonment to betrayal to violent abuse and on....  and yet have love for one another, for me, and for God.  That's a person I want to know.  That's I kid I have hope for. 

And, as for those who run after the affluent, the powerful, the "tithers", the money makers....they will get what they want...money, influence, power, and tithes.  But, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. 

Several weeks ago a little finch bird began visiting the window in our bathroom.  She was unaware of our presence...and, content with her newfound hiding place.  I watched for days as she and her mate brought in twigs, leaves, and various bedding material for a nest.  I was excited to see this activity, and even found myself trying to be quiet during the morning shower and primp routine so as not to disturb them.  I often wondered how many people might think it silly to tiptoe around birds who'd pretty much destroyed the screen in the window to nestle between to two glass panes.  But, I'm happy in my "silliness", and count it a joy and an honor to witness close up the miracle of life right outside the bathroom window.

Then, suddenly the bustling of nest- building came to an end, and the nest appeared to be abandoned.  Drats!  It must have been the alarm clock... our bathroom was just too noisy to be a nursery.  So, I'd thought about opening the window to clear out the leaves and fodder that were now just a pile of mess in the window...but, never quite got around to it. 

And the other day....the little finch was back...and, I heard tiny chirps coming from the leaves and twigs in the window.  Really??  I couldn't believe it!  All this time, the promise of new birth seemed to be abandoned, but, as sure as the spring brings in green trees, and flowering fields....there were the tiny birds with mouths agape....crying out to be filled. 

During the weeks in between, I had wrongly assumed the nest was empty.  I didn't have the ability to see clearly through the frosted glass pane. 

1 Corinthians 13:12
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

God is bringing new life to us....even though at times the promise seems abandoned....it's merely a time of growth and incubation.  And, even now, I feel that in these times we are in - we are meant to open our mouths wide - and cry out for the fullfillment of all He has for us!  Great and wondrous things lie ahead!  Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness...even when we lose faith.  Teach us to be strong and courageous...and, encourage us with wisdom and knowledge.  Amen...

Sabachthani was magical.....

How did I get here?  If you had shown me a preview of what happened Sunday night when I was 15, I would not have believed you.  This was never my life.  My life was filled with tragedy, loss, and painful abandonment.  There were no breaks....only unending pain and rejection. 

Yet, somehow, without those experiences....I wouldn't have the knowledge or insight to connect with the very people my heart cries out for.  How do you show someone the heart of God?  How do you unveil the romance of His love?  I don't know about everyone else, but, I think tracks and reciting the 4 spiritual laws are abrasive...and I love God with all my heart.  I wouldn't have responded to it when I was 15, and still don't respond to it at 33.  God cannot be summed up by reciting sermon points, or explained with childish cartoon drawings.  Forgive me if I offend, I know that God uses different people in different ways. 

My idea of unveiling the love of God is what happened on Sunday night....when Jesus (played so beautifully by Maxx Reed)  met me at the site of my biggest failures...as a mother, as a daughter, as a woman.....and took my hand, and danced with me. 

"Take my hand....I've walked this way before.  Don't be afraid to believe.  Stay with me...."

Ironically, I'm not sure that the churches around here are ready to receive a performance of the power and "romance" of the God of the universe.  But, one thing I know for sure....the world is ready.  The world outside the church drinks it in like spring rain on a parched land.  What a predicament.  Who will receive us?  I'm so thankful for Crossway Church...who so willingly embraces us!  My prayer is for others who will do the same.  One thing's for sure...God will have His way.  He will open doors.  Jesus Himself was rejected by His own....what makes me think we would have it easier? 

Worship dance is finally gaining acceptance - yay!  Hopefully that will pave the way a bit for us....we're a bit more "BAM!" than simple worship dance.  When we start tossing rifles and sabres, well...I don't guess Bellevue is ready for that one.  Won't they be surprised in Heaven?  I'm convinced that even our weapons will survive the consuming fire in that day.  Man, Nicole is so amazing now....just wait until that day!  And, nay sayers beware.....Jesus will dance with me!  (That is, if I can pull myself up from a puddle on the ground). 

If I died tonight, I would die content, and happy, and full to overflowing with the power and presence of God.  How did I get here?  How did I capture the heart of the Lord?  It's only what He GIVES me that is good and worthy....nothing in and of myself is good.  It's a mystery.....I may not ever understand, but....I will love Him, and follow Him anywhere.   

Madison had a friend that we haven't seen in a while spend the night Sunday.  I had an unusually relaxed day on Monday, and volunteered to make the drive to Collierville to take her friend home.  I could tell Madison was quiet when we got to her house....she followed her friend shyly, hands in pockets, through the hallways while I caught up with her mom in the living room. 

And, on the way home she told me...."Mom, they have so much stuff...they have EVERYTHING.  There's nothing they don't have!  I was nervous about her coming to my house.....because my TV is small, and we don't get many channels, and my dresser drawers are broken." 

I have to admit, it broke my heart.  I explained to her the things WE have that not everyone has that makes our life "rich"....true, imperishable riches.  While her friend was over I baked cookies, brought Dr. Peppers to them (a rare treat at my house), and covered them with fresh, warm blankets right out of the dryer, and gave them both good night kisses at bed time.  I hoped she would understand what I was trying to say....I think she did.  My "mouthy" and normally argumentative child sat in silence while I told her the story of Solomon and the book he wrote, Ecclesiastes. 

King Solomon truly had everything his heart desired, yet, at the end of his life....when he was old, he struggled to find the meaning of life, as all wise men do.  He penned his thoughts in this book...and only toward the end drew his final conclusion.

"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.  My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor."

"Yet, when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." 

"The wise man has eyes in his head, and the fool walks in darkness; but I came to realize that the same fate overtakes them both."

"For the wise man, like the fool, will not be long remembered; in days to come both will be forgotten.  Like the fool, the wise man too must die!"

"And I saw that all labor and achievement spring from a man's envy of his neighbor.  This, too, is meaningless and chasing after the wind." 

When I first read the book of Ecclesiastes as a youth, i found it depressing.  No meaning to life?  No meaning to our daily tasks...all the hype in school about career, etc....meaningless?  Beauty....wisdom...poverty or power...the same fate awaits us all.????  Still, to live wisely and humbly brings happiness...this should be considered.  Now that I'm a bit older, I find a great peace in this book....I think because I've discovered for myself that even though I haven't accomplished what may be considered the 'American dream', what I have is  - a husband who truly loves me, 2 beautiful children who love me, and so far still listen to me, and above all - communion with the Creator....to know why he created me.  That trumps all others....my love and service for Him. 

"Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.  This too is meaningless."

"The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether he eats little or much.  But, the abundance of  a rich man permits him no sleep."

"I have seen something else under the sun:  The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.  Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come:  As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken by snare, so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them." 

I have found peace in surrender. 

So, we don't have 700 channels, or nice furniture, or i-pods,.....but, what we have is unseen....eternal...and more precious than these things.  If we find wealth at some point in life....great!....it's a gift from God.  If we continue in humility and simpleness....great!....it's a gift from God. 

Lord....tell Laura Ingalls Wilder who sits now eternally with you that I thank her for leaving a legacy of wisdom and happiness in simple things....like peppermint candy on Christmas morning.  And, my Grandma as well....I sure do miss her....and think of sipping hot chocolate on the swing of her front porch often.  I'd give everything I own to sit with her listening to the "whipporwhils"  one more time.  Lord....what in the heck is a whipporwhil?  I know their sound well....but, never caught sight of one. 

I hope and pray that wisdom and happiness will be inhereted by my children, and to their children.  Here's to hot chocolate!  And, here's to warm blankets fresh from the dryer!  Thank you, Lord, for a beautiful life....even the evil I've seen, you've turned for good.  You've helped me grow strong and courageous....my life would be "meaningless" without You. 

Still looking for David.....

This week has been a struggle.  But, I guess it's ok....you learn more through your struggles than through victories.  I've learned that I'm very under - qualified to be doing what I'm doing.  I've known for a while that I'm very under - funded.  Funny, though....even with these realities, I feel really good about the things we've done so far...and, I'm my own worst critic.  So, that's saying something. 

You know, when my kids want to "help" me cook in the kitchen, there are times that I'd rather them not....they make a huge mess, argue over who gets to stir, and things generally takes 3 times longer to accomplish.  This is how I feel that God is with me.  He puts these dances together - but He's gracious enough to let me "stir" a while...so, that I can share in the satisfaction of a job well done.  It would be done faster and cleaner without me, but, He delights in having His children cook in the kitchen. 

So....even though I've felt out of place, humiliated, stupid, and generally like a minnow in a sea of sharks, ....I don't own this work any more than I own the cattle on a thousand hills.  It belongs to Him.  I still wonder how I ended up in the position I'm in.  I feel like when the commander asked for volunteers - everyone took a step backward....leaving me standing in front.  So....the question I've heard this week has been, "Will you still worship me, will you still climb out on that high limb...even when you feel stupid?"  Fortunately, I've had extensive experience in feeling stupid...so, it's not so hard to answer that one.  Man, how hard are these questions going to get?  Lord, be merciful....I pray that after you've tested my heart...you won't require the sacrifice you've asked - my Isaac.....I pray that you would provide a ram for me.  Even so, Lord, I would lay down Isaac for you. He was never mine to begin with.  

I'm trusting in You to send us David, Lord, You were right, as usual, about Saul.  He's impressive....but, he's not David.  So, where is he?  Where do I look?  I don't know where to start.  I'm out on this limb again....but, my balance is getting better day by day.  And, still, you're with me...so, it's the only place I want to be.  

I'll go forward....feeling stupid for a while....knowing You'll restore my dignity like You've always done.  

Lord, I'm in over my head.  You've given me dreams of what You will do with this group we have...and, now the numbers are dwindling.  Lord, I will follow you....through hardships, through persecution, through victories,  through loss, through birth, and unto death.  You're the only thing that matters in my life.  But, I'm lacking understanding right now. 

Maybe I've been impressed with Saul the way Samuel was....I don't know.  Thank you for making sure I stay on the path you've set for me.  Thank you for not giving me Saul.  So, I just have one question....where's David? 

Here we are.....a motley crew.... we won't make it unless you breath life into our work, Lord.  But, the glory will all belong to You.  Yes, that's how it should be....a Gideon's army.  Teach us boldness - make us swift and accurate.  And, the world will know that You're with us.  Lord, yes, I'm in over my head....but, You're with me.  So, I'm ok with that.....

Lead on.....

So, we went to a church in Whitehaven tonight with Crossway Worship Band.  I always look forward to the opportunity to go into churches that haven't seen multicultural worship and unity.  Bringing it for the first time is so exciting!  It was a bit weird at first.....years and years of tradition.... sometimes it can squeeze out any opportunity for God to move...to speak to a people He's been longing to touch for ages.  So, we go and sit, listen to a bit of hyped up preaching with drum licks and organ wales stirring up "Amen"s and applause.  And, I think...."God's not in the hype."  Nevertheless, I can tell that the pastor has a good heart, and is so excited to have the band come to celebrate their 53rd anniversary of existence. 

And, I want to be respectful...like Paul taught...to eat what is set before you...so as to not offend your host.  I've been so spoiled at Crossway, I immediately kick my shoes off, and find myself wondering if that would raise an eyebrow.  Well, I couldn't dance in my boots, so off they went.  But, I shyly hid my bare socks beneath the pew.  I was doing well...paying attention...sitting up straight....trying to act like I was raised in church....being mindful of our host's traditions.  My youngest daughter had spent the day with Robin and Doug, and would meet up with me there any moment.  So, I'm on my best Baptist behavior, and in bounds "Spiderella" - my cute daughter in her Halloween costume!  I totally had forgotten that she had spent the day in that costume, and had nothing else to wear coming from her friend's house.  I'm not positive she had shoes on, either.  (sigh)  As I struggled with feelings of humiliation and fear, I looked at her....there she was....completely free and unabandoned....dancing and worshipping with all her precious heart.....in her Spiderella costume.  And I realized....that beautiful doll used to be me....long, long, long ago.  Before my heart was crushed and corrupted by drunken men and greedy pimps.  Long before then....was a little girl who danced....free and childlike.  If I think hard enough....I can remember it....standing on the coffee table with a hair brush as a makeshift microphone and the whole world as my stage. 

Where's that verse about the Lord restoring the years that the moths and locusts had eaten?  I've had my share of moths and locusts.  And, I've also had the great privelage of experiencing the healing of God's love....and finding again those years that the were stolen so long ago.  Don't get me wrong....I don't want to turn back the clock....I only have wanted to salvage the good things that were lost.  God has brought them back to me - full measure...pressed down and overflowing.  Because when I dance with the Lord....for a moment everything and everyone else disappears.  And, when I see my daughter dance....it's a pleasure I can't describe.  So, the heck with tradition!  The heck with proper appearances!  Dance, Spiderella!  Dance with all your heart!  And, may yours never be crushed.

THAT's when I'll say...Amen!