This week has been gripped with panic. I can't seem to put my finger on the dread or fear or whatever it is that won't let me sleep.

I've been doing really well on my quest to eat better, think better, feel better. Until Thursday. I just lost it on Thursday. It didn't help that Trey struck the TV with some object that created a beautiful starburst in the middle of it. For some reason, the cost to replace the LCD is well in excess of the cost to replace the entire TV. It's just a material object and we don't really need it. But we've had it less than a year and I'm not really in the mood to replace it. So, no high def in the house for a while and the media computer is rendered pretty useless.

All extra money is going into the business. It's the little things like new computers and stuff. We haven't done anything to condo other than clean it and move in sparse furniture. It needs to be remodeled but it's not the right time. We're going to take our picture from the balcony holding up a big GLA sign. I told everyone that they needed to wear their best circa 2008 clothes so we can look back on these days and laugh. GLA World Headquarters is in a 1 bedroom condo in north Austin. But it's nice to be over there. I even moved in an old folding table as our first board table. And we have a white board, of course.

I've been trying to work on the website when I have time. It's starting to look better. I'll post the url when I'm happier with it.

I was dreading a meeting on Friday. I can't figure out what my problem was with it. I was doing a feasibility study for them and it was time to talk about next steps. Actually, it was time to finish the project and get paid. It went really well and I need to get them a proposal for the next stage. I think my effective billing rate was pretty good on this one. I'm almost finished with the online training module for the other big project. And both look like there will be follow-on work.

I've been really working on building my confidence. I'm not sure what it's going to take or what I'm really really scared of. But I'm clearly scared of something that I can't put my finger on. I'm thinking of walking over to Metric and just spending an hour or so with my thoughts. It's only like 4 miles there and it would feel good.

We went tubing yesterday. Friday night, we went to see Beauty and the Beast at Zilker Hillside. Nice family time this weekend!

It's weird how debilitating fear is.

I heard an analysis on NPR yesterday that made so much sense (to those of us stupid enough to drive large vehicles with crappy gas mileage). This might be totally old news but it definitely caught my attention.

One of the reasons that oil prices are high (and staying high) is that Iran and others are still trading in U.S. dollars and the dollar is frustratingly weak. So the "value" of their oil (in world currency) is actually going down. They went so far as to say that $100 barrels have the spending power of $70 barrels. So while it would seem that they are making record profits and should flood the market in some amazing benevolent move, it would be financially devestating.

So now OPEC is considering switching to the Euro to prevent future decline in the value of their commodity. And what will that do to further devalue the dollar? It's scary to even contemplate.

I'm not even sure which candidate can figure this one out (or would have the closest advisors who could figure this out), but it's a frightening thought.

Thumbing through "Texas Cheerleader" magazine and found their page of humorous cheer anecdotes. Is it just me, or is there a thread of sickness here?

Hey Lefty!
I have broken  my left elbow three times from cheerleading and it's been a big joke within our team. I can no longer straighten it, and when I do a high "V" they make fun of me and say "fix your high 'V'" and we all just laugh. It's really funny! This past summer while we were learning our routine, a choreographer from Louisville came down and told me to straight my arm. I laughed and said I couldn't. It's has been a big joke forever." (MH, Pflugerville High School Varsity Cheerleader)

Ohmygod, and then there was this girl with a birth defect and she couldn't walk and we would say, "Hey, walk!" and she couldn't and it was so funny and then we walked and she couldn't and we just laughed because it was so funny. ...I think I was afraid that the popular girls were this cruel...and I was right.

Oh Brother, Give Me a Break!
We were at a cheerleading competition and my parents decided to bring my brother; he usually does not go the competitions because he doesn't like large crowds. He was making fun of me and trying to imitate me. He was right by the railing trying to do a toe touch when all of a sudden he lost his balance and accidentally flipped over the railing and ended up on the arena floor. My mom and a few other people quickly ran over to help him. My parents had to leave the competition to take him to the emergency room. He ended up with a broken nose. I know it's not nice to laugh at him but it was really funny to see. He had to go to school with a big white patch of his face for weeks. He was so embarrassed. (CS, Texas Youth Cheerleader, Floresville, Texas)

KMJ: Then my other brother walked into my room without asking so I stuck pins in his voodoo doll and now he has shooting pains through his back and it's completely ruined his quality of life. I know I shouldn't laugh, but it is so funny to see him there writhing in pain...I imagine it was tough for CS to continue on with the competition feeling like it wasn't all about her since her parents couldn't even stick around.

(Note: those weren't the only anecdotes but I don't want to get in trouble with the Texas Cheerleader magazine editors so you'll have to pick up your own copy!)

This weekend was the BIG cheer tournament...the one that's on ESPN. Most of the girls took off Friday from school to get up to Dallas early. I left at 7:30 p.m. and was exhausted and grumpy by the time we got to the hotel (to get up at 5:30 the next morning). I took Trey as a favor to James. I didn't sugar-coat it - it was going to be a pain in the ass and he would owe me for it. In truth, he was pretty fun to have around.

True confessions - I missed Saturday's performance. I was sleep deprived and had forgotten changing clothes for Trey (which he turned out to need...desperately). It was raining and a long hike to the car. By the time we got back to the convention center, the girls were already back in the stands. I never told her.

They were fourth after preliminaries but only 0.10 points separately first and fourth place. They were phenomenal in the finals. Unfortunately, two teams were phenomenaler. (The phenomenalist team was really really impressive.) The ended up with third place and "showmanship". (Choreography went to the first place team...Prodigy Gym from Houston.)

When the girls came back to the stands after awards, there was some serious Alice Cooper action going on. Kalli didn't cry. I hugged her for a long time and told her how amazing they were and how proud I was. I just kept saying it again and again. She wanted to go to the car and get out of there before she got upset but I suggested that we check out the swag booths. (And, man, did we get swag. Trey has more teen sport tampons than he could ever dream of needing ever. And don't get me started on the fabulous lotions and deodorants.) Skintimates had a big area set up with games and stuff. We waited in line to roll dice to win slippers and stuff. The "big prize" (a massive fluffy bathrobe) required a roll of snake eyes followed by a single roll of an even number. Trey won his sister a bathrobe.

By the time we got to the car, we were laughing over our overflowing bags of free stuff...and a very pink robe with matching slippers. She had a pillow from the competition and a big smile. We listened to Lion King again on the way home and talked a lot.

One more competition. Technically, it's a "national" but it's small time compared to this past weekend. And it's two weeks away. Then there's a break before next year's try-outs. We've almost survived another cheer season.

Unrelated -- I had today off. So did Trey. No one else. Just us. I've been complaining bitterly about my dresser. We bought it used, many years ago. I don't really want to buy a new bedroom suite. (I made the padded headboard myself, picked up a second-hand loveseat, converted a big ass armoire, and have the only piece of furniture anyone has ever made for me - a desk from my dad.) But the dresser was problematic. I looked at Ikea but I'm really tired of putting furniture together myself. Trey and I went to San Marcos to check out the Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn outlets. At Pottery Barn, I found a super-wide dresser with some marks on the top edges. After all discounts, etc. etc., it went from $1250 (ridiculous) to $280 (ridiculous, from the other side). And it fit in the back of my car and it looks great in the bedroom. And the boys helped me lug the old sad dresser, with its broken drawers, to the dumpster.

Trey and I also had lunch together. It was fun just hanging out. I think he has an imaginary friend. The other kids didn't so I was surprised to learn about his. His name is Edgin and sometimes he shares (when he's a good boy) and sometimes he doesn't. He sleeps in Trey's bed and likes to do puzzles too. What's odd is that Trey is extremely clingy to Kalli...so he knows that he's not alone. Not really sure what's up with his Edgin buddy.

I think I needed a weekend like this. I've just been very very angry lately. The lawsuit; the job; the 10 year anniversary of the day that Dwayne left...it's been a hard week. I realized that I don't really have friends anymore. If I'm not working, I'm flying around crazy with the kids. Every other free moment is spent with James. I still dream about Prague. I missed that time with him. I think I'm going to try to go with him to Las Vegas. I just need to figure out how to pull it off.

Okay, enough for now.

Sometimes I forget to tell her how proud I am of her...for the big things and the little things. Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about how she could have lost her glasses...again... and not enough time realizing she always comes down early in the mornings to say "hi". I forget that when she's really in despair, she will come to me with wet eyes and ask if we can go into a room to be alone and "talk" and that it always feels better afterwards. Sometimes I think too much about how we're different and not enough about how much a piece of me she is.

Sometimes I forget to remember how lucky I am to have her as a daughter.

Kalli's team swept today. First place in youth level 2, choreography, and high point for the 25+ level 2 teams (mini through seniors). Against the wishes of the gym, here is the video:

ACP 2008 - Kalli's Team

If I was a good mother, I'd make a blog like this:

Evidence of parental love

You should read it before having kids. It explains why people are stupid enough to have more than one in short poignant moments.

Tyler received a cell phone for his birthday. For the first time, he didn't have to shre with his siblings. And we threw in text messaging as well since we hear it's all the rage with those wacky teens. The first combined bill came in Saturday. $800. Granted, that includes the other three phones. But $800. That child (who was not supposed to use internet) downloaded approximately four times the data that James and I had combined on our smartphones (where we download email every 15 minutes, 24 hours a day). And he paid for some games. And it's $10 a MB if you don't have a data package.

I sat in my car in the cold rain yesterday morning in front of work on the phone with AT&T coming up with the most plausible argument to get some help. I completely played the, "thank you so much; you saved a child's life today" approach and it worked. They're crediting back the charges and we added internet to his phone at a cost of $10 a month

It's clear there is no absolute value for a cellphone MB transfer. It's not possible for it to cost $10 per MB...or unlimited for $10 a month (that's like 2 cents per MB?) What is the real cost for a MB? Are stupid parents keeping AT&T afloat right now with their extortion practices?

Another thing with no absolute value is a slice of cheese at McCrackShack (as the SuperSize Me guy calls it). The incremental cost from a hamburger to cheeseburger is like $0.10. The incremental cost from a hamburger happy meal to a cheeseburger happy meal is like $0.20. Same basic cheese product; twice the cost.

I imagine there's nothing ethically wrong with charging what the market will bear. I mean, that's what kept the American oil industry alive. (I'm not expert and it's been over a decade since I was privvy to the interworkings of an oil company...but the correlation between crude prices and the gas pump is tenuous, at best.) My theory:

Gas is $1 a gallon (late 90's)
2001 - Gas makes lurch to $1.50, fluctuates for a couple of months, stabilizes
Gas is $1.50 a gallon (2002-2003)
2004 - Gas makes lurch to $2, fluctuates for a couple of months, stabilizes
Gas is $2 a gallon
We completely skipped the break at $2.50 and went straight to $3 in 2005
Public outcry, then fluctuations
Since 2006, prices are steady at $3

There much be some psychological name for this - introducing a shocking concept, easing back then creeping up to it again so that it seems gradual.

It would definitely explain why I'm thrilled that my cell phone bill is only $150 this month. I really am going insane.

It's our last night in Prague. We leave at 4 a.m. for the airport and the 24 hours of travel to get back home. I'm mixed. I really miss the kids. I really love this place. And I've had an incredible time getting to know James again. This morning, I ventured out by myself for a couple of hours. I did pretty good - if I talk sparingly, I can fake it pretty well. And I only had to pull out the map a couple of times. I even helped some people navigate the ticket machines for the metro.

This whole trip has been all sorts of weird "right place, right time" moments. I need to write them all down so I don't forget all of this. New Year's was a great example. We didn't really have plans. Most of the restaurants and clubs closed down for private parties (which were so expensive and would require us to be tied down to one area). James' friends invited us to have a couple of beers with them early. We couldn't find a bar so we went back to their place and had beer and Becherovka (spiced liquor). We just all hung out until 10 or so. (They even offered up their place if we wanted to come back some summer while they're in D.C.) We left their place (with beer to go) and decided to brave some of the major areas (Wencheles Square, Old Town Square). It was insane. There were tons of fireworks - generally small ones that people were throwing at the crowd - but everyone was happy. Seriously, no fights...lots of drunk loud Germans and drunk loud Czechs and just loud Italians. We made it to Old Town Square in time to see the main fireworks (and have kielbasa in baguette). We wandered home and just watched everyone having fun.

This afternoon, we were trying to find food and thought we found a nice little local place. The service was horrible. We had coffee and beer and just left (well James attempted to talk to them but it got loud and no one could seem to agree on what language to argue in...very very odd). He felt bad that we had ordered and just left. But we jumped on a tram and went to the first office he had when he was here. It wasn't the greatest neighborhood but he was happy to be nostalgic. While walking around, he noticed a restaurant that he used to frequent (that happened to be open on New Years). We had some awesome food and beer and it was so wonderful. Then we started heading back. Traffic was horrible. We couldn't even get on a metro train. So we decided to go the opposite way for a couple of stops. When we came back through, herds of people starting getting on the metro. When we reached our stop (Malostranska), they all piled out. We decided to follow them and found a perfect view of the Prague city fireworks - possibly the best fireworks I've ever seen. We were within walking distance of our hotel and we wandered back holding hands and just talking.

So we leave at 4 a.m. and head to Frankfurt. And our bags are so freaking heavy because Bavarian crystal is freaking heavy. And I probably didn't think of everyone when souvenir shopping but I did find some cool things and I can blow the rest of our Euro's on chocolate in the Frankfurt airport.

We're thinking of coming back with the family during the summer of 2009. It's that amazing (and frankly, we missed alot of the "must see" tourist destinations while we were rambling around Praha 3 looking for that special strudl shop!)

From this weekend:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FxedFzQVPvQ

They had "high point" of all Level 2 teams (21 teams ranging from youth to senior high school). They still have room to grow but they're fun to watch. I may hate cheerleading, but I love my cheerleader.