Gender: Female
Status: Engaged
Age: 48
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/22/2005
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October 14, 2009 - Wednesday 9:37 PM
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Current mood:  artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry
The year was 1979...disco's were all the rage even though they were on their way out.
After college was done and before she went to her choice of many jobs that she was qualified for, Janet went a bit crazy.
Why buckle down and be an adult right now? Play while she could, serious will be the rest of her life after all.
She excelled in school and pretty much at everything she did, except in the relationship department.
Always in a study group, forever going over class notes, her nose buried constantly in a book, Janet isolated herself from the world of Frat party weekend keggers and stuck up Serority sisters during "Rush" week.
She had bigger fish to fry. She wanted more for herself. She wanted the brass ring and everything that went with it.
But after school was done she became restless, she wanted what she missed in her school days, and began to party... HARD.
In no time flat she was in with the "In crowd". Velvet ropes dropped at her feet when she went to the hottest clubs that NO ONE could get into, her name always showed up on the guest VIP list. Everyone knew who she was and she reveled in the feeling of power that this gave her. This was also a great way to network since she wanted to pursue a career in advertising.
Two birds with one stone, yes?
She was introduced in a very casual way. A friend of a friend kind of thing. Drew was starting up a new club, maybe there was an opportunity to work together and both get what they wanted?
He was rich, connected and oozing sexuality. Six foot tall, bronzed skin over muscles. Sandy blonde hair, inquisitive hazel eyes, a quick and sarcastic wit...
She felt the pangs of what she surmised as a "Teen aged crush" and nothing more. But she did admit he was quite the catch and if things went the way they thought it would for his club, Drew would be very successful.
She was working on the fliers to be plastered all over town to announce the opening of the club. He had been picking out glasses for the bar, linens, stocking the booze, the hiring etc. Right now he was transfixed on the sound system and the lighting. Janet continued working on the flyer until she thought she could present it to him for his approval....it had to be perfect.
Drew was in the D.J.'s booth, a tangle of wires at his feet, cussing to himself. She had to stifle down a giggle. His hair was in complete disarray from him running his hands through it in his frustration. Hunched over he didn't hear her approach so when she said his name he about jumped out of his skin.
He turned hazel eyes on her, blazing in anger. "Don't you ever sneak up on me again! Do you hear me!?" She took a step back, figuring it was just his frustration.
"I finished the flyer, and need your approval so I can send it to print..." she said softly.
He took a moment to collect himself. let out a long breath, and pressed a button. At once the light system and sound systems synced together.
"What is your favorite song?", he asked her dismissing his outburst as if it never happened.
"Do You Think I'm Sexy"... it sounded so pathetic at the time.
In an instant Rod Stewart's vocals filled the club.
"How about a slow one?", he smiled as he asked her.
"How Deep Is Your Love?", she replied sheepishly. He extended his hand to her, she gingerly accepted it. He pressed some more buttons and the sound of the Bee Gee's filled the room, casually she was lead onto the dance floor.
He pulled her into his embrace. Why did he have to smell so damn good?
His body was both tense and relaxed as they danced in silence. Swaying, gliding, dipping, he was a great dancer indeed, no wonder the girls lined up for his attention.
The final strains of the song played as he dipped her...."Too Fred Astaire for you?"
She felt her breath catch in her throat as she gazed deeply into his playful eyes.
"No...." her words never left her mouth as he kissed her deeply...
"You know what this means don't you?", he asked her. After finding some composure she couldn't find her own voice even though she was screaming "What?" in her own mind. She shook her head at him.
"You're mine now..."
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October 13, 2009 - Tuesday 8:12 PM
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Current mood:  obsequious
Category: Life
It's a stormy day out right now. Rain is steady and the winds have yet to quiet down.
No one is outside. I have to keep lights on inside since the overcast skies make daytime feel like night right now.
Days like these are dangerous for me. I keep the house quiet and become immersed in my own thoughts. Both positive and negative. I become reflective and draw from where I have been and where I have come in my mind.
Today is just such a day for me...
I have been reflecting a lot on my last marriage and what went wrong in my mind as of late. What mistakes were made by us both.
We wed when we were both relatively young. Myself, at the age of 28 and he at 22. We thought that together we could get through anything, and that time would only make our bond stronger...yeah, right.
When he came into my life, there was baggage. Lots of it, from both sides.
He was the "Bad Boy/Party Guy" type, and me a girl looking for the love I had never gotten as a child, or at any other time in my life. He was my "White Knight" and was going to slay all my dragons...and I had many. Too many... but I loved him with all I had.
We met when I was in a friends wedding, and quickly formed a bond of love. I actually left my husband for him. Escaping from the demons that have always chased me...believing, dreaming, hoping for a normal life like others had. That is all I ever wanted. All I craved with all I had...
I wasn't always stable, I know this and he saw me through at least 4 different therapists and 4 different suicide attempts. I know that wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for me either. Having to expose things that I thought made me appear weak and broken... not worthy of anyone's love.
Not even human...
He was and still is a free spirit. A vast love for the outdoors, trying to take care of his Mom and Sister at 16 (he dropped out of HS, took and passed his GED and went straight to work to help support them) when his father was no longer in the picture.
Going to bars and doing drugs at night or on weekend binges. Risky sex and lifestyle. Staying awake for days. Trying to perhaps escape demons of his own. I heard all about it. I could relate...
It is best quoted by Brad Pitt in the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, "Funny how at the end, all you think about is the beginning" ...
So very true. Everything shiny and new, neither party feeling anything but love...
We had a lot of good years, but it seemed to all go downhill when on Sept. 30, 2002, when I was in a horrible car accident, less than 4 months after having to have had a complete hysterectomy.
I can clearly remember him coming into the exam room I was in at the ER, he came in looked at my badly swollen and shattered foot. He looked at me, then shook his head, and said, "Looks like you've really done it this time..."
Gee, I love you too honey. I am scared shit less that he is going to go off on one of his tirades due to his truck being totaled by someone that hit me, but that came later.
No, how are you? No, Thank God you are okay the truck can be replaced. Just, now I had done it...
This was the first knowledge that it was all downhill from there.
I can clearly remember crying out in pain after emergency surgery that night and finding myself alone. Not since he was home with our son, or it was the middle of the night....but because I did not have one ounce of support from him at that time. At least that was how it felt to me...
This was all my fault. That is how I was feeling at the time, and he did nothing to make me feel otherwise.
By this time I was 40 and he 35. We had a child together, he was "Dad" to my oldest son, raising him with me since the age of 4... a lot had gone on in that lifetime we shared.
I went through several surgeries in an attempt to fix the damage, but by the 7th operation plus a severe bone infection, it was said to me just like it was the day of the accident, amputation was going to happen. We tried...
Before the amputation, there were 2 rare incurable brain conditions diagnosed (6 months after the accident), a bad mammogram resulting in the loss of half of my right breast. I clearly remember asking for help to change the dressings one time and being told, "oh, you can handle it..." never once leaving the computer. All this resulting in nothing but me living at home on pain medication, late night T.V. when the pain was so bad I could not sleep and the internet, getting out of the house was either for doctors appointments, or to do shopping for the household. I never had been so lonely or alone, or so I thought.
We became distant then, both living in the same house, but not the same life. I was sleeping full-time in the living room at this point, he alone in our bed. Sex was not a priority for me since it caused so much pain, but he needed the intimacy and never told me so outright. I felt insignificant, he felt unappreciated, I needed to feel loved and supported.He thought he needed to fix all this for me, I just wanted him beside me. Things had clearly changed...
When I found the proof of his affair on the computer months later I knew in my heart it was over, but I kept hanging on, relying on that love, knowing this was something we could get through, but by then he had already given up... he no longer loved me...that's what he told me.
My oldest son no longer lived at home, lied and said he wanted me back, when he never did. This put my in a psyche hospital twice.
My daughter was friends with the woman he had slept with, and basically shut me out of her life, that hurt me worse than my own husbands betrayal, since she had seen what he had done to me. How he twisted my emotions, gave me hope, then took it away. It was cruel at best.
She and I had a huge wedge driven between us. Some by my husband, but a lot by me. I know this now. But I was so hurt by her having this friendship with the woman that helped to destroy my marriage and my life I was not thinking clearly. But I felt so unworthy, unloved and so abandoned at this point, everyone was the enemy anymore...
My youngest son was all that kept me going...this was rock bottom for me, this was the worst feeling of hopelessness I had ever known, but now magnified. The world meant little to me any longer... why was I even here?
I can recall one of the last conversations my then husband and I had. He asked me outright, "Janet, what the Hell is it that you want?" And I told him, "The man I fell in love with..." He informed me he was no longer that man. My heart sank...
That man had changed, I had changed too, but in that happening, we both got lazy and did not change together... and that is what killed us. It has taken me years to get to this point and figure that out.
He thought he was nothing but just a paycheck to me, and I thought I was just a room mate, cook, maid and occasional piece of ass... it could have been fixed had we not both not been so hell bent on having our own way.
Fortunately things are better now. Much better.
The relationship with my daughter has been mended and grows steadily.
I don't think she will ever know just how lost I was without her for those few years!
I love you so much Baby Girl!
I can even talk to my ex on good terms, and dare I say it, almost as friends now. But I fear that is only due to our son. Once he's grown I am sure he will never want contact with me again. And that's okay.
He has moved on, re-married and has a child with his new wife and a new blended family with her children and siblings. He has actually developed a better relationship with our son now than he did when we were married.
But unfortunately he has by his own hand, has driven our daughter away from him in his attempts to overlook the faults of his current spouse.
Oh well, his loss... that's on him!
I had a brief and torrid 2 year love affair with another man after that. It ended in the most painful way a relationship could end...
My daughter told me later that was why she never came around, she could see him for what and who he was. My youngest son and I were so blinded and dazzled by his fancy words and footwork that we both thought we found the family we had been searching for, I was head over heels in love again, giving all of myself to him, believing all he said and thinking that it was gonna be okay this time...guess again.
He was/is nothing but a charlatan, telling me that he would be with me until he could no longer take breath...
He nearly destroyed me and my son when he walked out on us, later admitting to being in an affair with a woman he worked with...
The year after he left was so hard. Again I was alone, and scared of love, thinking I was not worth anything and broken...
He has since married ( a different woman)...in less than a years time from us splitting up, to a woman 15 years younger than he...
He says he's happy, at least he did when I last saw him in person back in May or June of this year...
Now I am in what I like to refer to as a "Mature Relationship".
What I have with Sam is so different from what I have had with anyone else.
I am no longer looking for anyone to fix me or my problems...I am looking for someone to share my life and my love with. And I feel I have truly found that man.
We compliment one another. I no longer feel the need to hide from the world.
He has honor, respect, dignity and INTEGRITY! And I am hopelessly in love with him. I asked him last month to marry me and share my life...he accepted!
He just sees me for who I am and the love that I have in my heart to share.
Thank God....
Fairy tale endings do happen, but never give up on love and being loved. It is worth every sacrifice you can ever make!
Ciao friends...
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October 8, 2009 - Thursday 4:18 PM
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Current mood:  tired
Category: Romance and Relationships
This Is How Every Woman Should Be Treated
To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because that's how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of...
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.....
To every guy that would give his seat up...
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...
I guarantee 90% of men, if asked, would not re-post this because they care more about their image!
Here's to that rare 10%!
Ciao friends...
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September 25, 2009 - Friday 7:36 PM
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Current mood:  enlightened
Category: Life
It's a wonderful day today. I am broke as a joke (this is truly an understatement!). I have heard nothing about my SSDI hearing, which the money that is coming from that is vital to both my survival and my future. My son is being a typical 16 year old pain in the ass, testing me every moment of every day, I may be stringing him up later... If I am lucky I might make this months bills, and next months rent, Unemployment in my county is teetering between 16% and 19%... far worse than the said rate of 9% for the state of California... Crime (Homicides, burglary, gangs, drive-bys, etc.) is aggressively on the rise and there seems to be no relief in sight. Cutbacks are being made by everyone, including all emergency personnel (police, fire, EMT's, etc). People are even losing their faith in God, as well as their fellow man. These are dire and turbulent times we currently live in, and there is really no relief in sight. Many are holding tight to morals and values taught to them whilst they were young. Others are clinging to their faith which seems to quickly be unraveling before their very eyes. But it is a wonderful day today. We are here, we are alive, we enjoy our families, and a great race or football game. Community is alive even if those don't see it blatantly. People still smile when you say hello and ask them how they are...even if they are a complete stranger. Neighbors still check on one another and carry on conversations over their children playing together in the yard, or by a chance meeting at the mailbox. Or at the pool, as it is at my apartment complex. So many dwell on the negative, but I want you to think about something for me... When you woke up this morning, was the sun shining? When you think about it, can you call on at least 5 different people and say they are important to you? Can you catch your kids doing something totally goofy and get the giggles? Can you look upon a sunset/sunrise and appreciate it its silent beauty? Can you find something to look forward to tomorrow? Of course you can! The key is to look for the happy spots in life and then allow them to take over the dark ones. This past week, I have had some very dark times, and dismal thoughts. I brought them upon myself. It seems so much easier to look at the negative than it is the positive... But it really isn't! It takes no more energy for you to dwell on the good versus the bad... It's all in where you are at the moment and what you choose to believe. I choose happiness, contentment, silliness, and joy. My man is getting ready to take off for a day or two... Should I be sad? Maybe a bit, but I am also happy. It is something that he deserves and that will make him happy, give him one on one time with his son, and give me a chance to spend time alone with my son, or by myself...Sure I would love to go with him, but there is always next year! These are all good things! Folks really need to look for the happy spots in life when it gets as dreary as it has been... Smile and look for happiness...it's right in front of you if you only look for it! So remember...it's a wonderful day! Make it happen! Ciao friends...
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September 21, 2009 - Monday 5:28 PM
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Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life
There have been more changes in my life recently, all of them good!
You see last week (Weds. the 16th to be exact), I asked Sam a very important question...
I have been getting asked by many individuals, when are you guys getting married (since we have been living together)? My reply was why get married, we are having fun right now!
Now I have always been one that adores to be in a relationship, and I told this to Sam from the beginning. Whereas Sam told me he doubted that he would ever marry again (after his wife passed, and hooking up with some pretty questionable females that caused him nothing but heartache and grief). We both agreed to move cautiously and see where things went in our relationship, and we have.
I have seen into his heart, just as he has into mine. We have both torn down the walls that other made us put up to keep ourselves safe.
We have been living together for some time now, we are talking about moving to another state together and basically being connected at the hip to each other for the rest of our lives.
We had discussed marriage once before. I told him how I wanted to be married in a red dress, he responded with he could wear a black tux and red tie with a red rose in his lapel.
I even wrote out my name with his last name instead of my own, and I think that he has still kept that piece of paper.
It seemed like the next logical step to me, so I swallowed hard and knew instantly what most men feel...and I asked him to be my husband.
He kissed me and without batting an eye said, "Yes".
I was in a euphoria, but I think he said something about that fact that he was thinking about asking me to marry him too!
I had bought a beautiful ring for when I thought that I was going to marry Ed. Sam had no problems with it, and so it rests proudly on my left hand right now.
It will be a long engagement. We have things that we want to accomplish in our lives before we tie the knot officially.
So that is how that is right now.
The next good news, is that in a short amount of time my son-in-law will be home from Iraq and in my grandson's and daughter's loving arms where he belongs and longs to be.
There is a trip planned to where I live in Nov. (My daughter's class reunion) and I will finally get to meet him, and then in turn my Daughter can meet Sam...
So to say that I am happy is an understatement.
More adjustments have been made to my leg and I have walked almost 2 miles in one trip on it without pain. Just soreness from muscles that have not seen use in years!
There is still a little bit of tweaking to fine tune it, but it is almost there. After this is getting my Neurosurgery set up, and that will be my last health hurdle.
And once my SSDI settlement is here, we will be making trips to Reno to buy a home. Yes, I will be a home owner!
Sam has already called around and inquired about work and can be working as soon as we get there and settled.
So clear sailing is closer and closer.
Life is getting better and better.
And I keep smiling bigger and bigger!
Ciao friends...
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September 7, 2009 - Monday 4:56 PM
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Current mood:  curious
life is based on both promises and lies, as well as blind faith in another.
The promise of a life with someone you love, the promise of a future that you feel you deserve, the promise that someone, somewhere is working to make the world a better place for you and your children, that when you die you will go to the "Kingdom of Heaven" and you will never have to experience or feel pain or remorse in your life ever again...
And then there are the lies. I will always love you. If I am elected I will make these positive changes. If you donate to the church you will reap the benefits later in your life, or in the after-life. The check is in the mail. This is for your own good...oh yes, we have heard them all. But just how much do you trust? How much is placed in faith that the other is not lying to you?
A tremendous amount in my opinion!
Unfortunately this is what most folks lives are based upon, and it always is coming from another person...
Blind faith and hope keeps most of it alive and thriving.
We are raised to always believe in fate/karma, hope, another persons word as truthful, and faith as helping us.
So many no longer rely upon themselves and what they do or not with their lives to make it good, bad, successful or not.
And what if something goes wrong?
It is both chalked up as a lesson learned, or someone else was at fault. Heaven forbid that people should be held responsible for both their own lives and happiness!
People get plastic surgery to lift things up or improve them. Women apply make up and cover the grey with hair color (just like a lot of men do anymore!), they say on their returns to the IRS that they donated a set amount to charity, usually below what has to be proven.
Colored contacts to change eye color, Botox to rid them of wrinkles, living momentarily in the land of make believe when we go to a movie and see the life of someone else put before us.
All are lies...all are deceptions. And we all do them!
But they make many feel better about themselves so they take it to heart that without these lies, their lives wouldn't be any better than they would if they embraced who they were, and put in the work. Or made the people that made all the promises to them, who ever they may be, prove themselves...
Perhaps I am waxing way too philosophical here, but it was just what was running through my mind right now.
What are your thoughts on this?
Let me know!
Ciao friends...Happy Labor Day!
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September 5, 2009 - Saturday 1:03 AM
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Current mood:  bouncy
Category: Life
Well, a new day and a new beginning of sorts for me.
Here's the story...
In 2002 I was in a bad car accident. My heel was completely crushed, I required many surgeries. The pain became too great and I wanted all the surgeries to stop. So in April of 2004 my life was forever changed when my right leg was amputated below the knee.
Post-op went quickly and I healed well, and inside of 2 months after the operation I was wearing my new prosthesis.
Shortly after this I was diagnosed with the brain diseases I have. This resulted in many surgeries, with more still to go.
Between heavy medications for pain and dizziness from the brain issues it was unsafe for me to wear my leg to walk. I was officially wheelchair bound.
I was divorced by my last ex husband and lost all my medical benefits so there was no way that I could afford to be fitted for my final leg.
When Ed and I were together I thought we were going to be married, and then I would be put on his health care plan he has through his job, which just happened to be the same as I had before.
Well, as you all know that fairytale ended and I still had no coverage. So I applied for Medi-cal through the welfare department and had insurance again by August of 2008.
Now any amputee can tell you, when you lose weight you need to be re-fitted for a new limb. I have lost a lot of weight and that old leg did not fit for shit, but when my electric chair died this last time I had to wear the bad fitting limb.
The liner was shredding with each use. I had to wear 4 5-ply wool socks over the liner to attempt to not have shearing and pressure sores, but I still got them. And everyday I still put that leg on, grit my teeth with every painful step I took and just sucked it up. What other choice did I have? None!
Last visit I told you all about getting a new liner and leg. And now I have them!
Here is the old leg. You can see how wide it is at the top. That made it impossible to wear normal clothes, so I had to wear stretchy material pants. The best thing I could find were mens pajama bottoms.They had enough give to get around the beast.
Also for some reason they put a foot on it that was one size larger than my other foot. Buying shoes was impossible and I do miss wearing boots or heels, so I was force to wear tennis shoes at all times. Even when I was dating. And looking at that leg you can see why I wouldn't even wear a skirt and flats...UGLY!
Here is a comparison shot between the old leg and the new one.
You can see the post is longer so that it can be adjusted now, its narrower, and has a smaller foot.
Here's with it on.
And finally, I am wearing normal clothes here for the first time it doesn't show that I have a prothesis on!
It has taken a bit but I am learning to walk for the 3rd time now. Today was the first day without a cane to steady me. I feel so much better. The bruising and sores have left, this leg is actually a half a pound lighter (14.5 lbs vs. 15 lbs yes that heavy, think about balancing on something you can't feel, and lugging that much weight!) so I am not as tired.
So happy Wolf here!
In other news my "adopted" son Bryant graduated from Navy boot camp.I am very proud of him!
The rest of my pups continue to do well, and Sam and I are starting to make plans for our move as soon as my settlement comes through. Reno,Nevada here we come!
Ciao friends...have a safe holiday weekend!
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August 23, 2009 - Sunday 5:05 PM
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Current mood: fabulous
Category: Life
Hey Everyone!
I know it's been a bit since my last post so I will fill you in on all that has happened...
Well, been seen by my regular Doctor for a few months now. And all has been good. But she canceled two appointments on me in a row, which left me without certain medications as the prescriptions had run out and there were no refills left on them.
After being told that this second appointment was also canceled, I asked to be seen by another doctor. No problem they said, and I was given an appointment for that very afternoon.
This doctor was kind, listened to what my concerns were in regards to my health, and things that I needed desprately. Mainly a liner to replace the one that has completely shredded so that I can wear my very ill fitting prosthesis so that I can walk!
I explained that the medicines prescribed for both my daily pain and for sleep were no longer being effective and never really were completely effective anyway. I wanted to get some input about trying other medications to try to feel somewhat human.
I left with a prescription for a new liner, and a new prosthesis! I was ecstatic!
We discussed my pain levels (which have only gotten worse since I still am awaiting getting that much needed surgery). I told him I am only allowed 2 doses per day (and this is a medication that is only good for 4 hours), and even then it barely helps, and I wait until night to take them, so that I can get some sleep, but then when I roll off the pillows supporting my head and that wears off, I take the last dose. Between that and sleep medications that are not helping me to get to sleep or keeping me asleep, and I have pain 24/7 that is barely under control!
I left with new medication prescriptions too.
I am now on a timed release Morphine and I can honestly say that my pain is controlled for the first time now in about 5 years! It has been heavenly. Only then did I realize just how terrible the pain has been that I have just put up with and become accustomed and used to.
And the sleep medication, I get really sleepy and with the pain controlled, sleep almost through the night. Something that I haven't done since 2004!
Awesome!
Unfortunately this past week we have had terrible humidity, and that spikes my headaches and makes the pain it's worse. Needless to say I haven't slept well this week, but the pain is manageable during the day, and I do the best I can at night.
So in one visit, pain and sleep were controlled, I got a new prosthesis and liner (I have the new liner already now, and a 2nd one will be here next week. I have been cast for the new leg, and have a socket fitting tomorrow and by next week I will have a new leg that fits right! Happy dance time!), and I also mentioned that I need an authorization for the Neurosurgeon so that I can get this surgery done. He said he would see what he could do for me. I will call his office tomorrow and see where that is.
So things are looking up... finally!
I am still waiting to hear from the Judge on my SSDI hearing from back in June... so that is still in limbo.
My Ex-Husband is getting the last of the things needed to finalize the things we both signed into to complete the division of property, which is great. I won't have to hire a lawyer and force it to be done! Yay me!
My Pup starts back to school in the morning, where did the summer go?
My man and I are doing well, getting closer and falling deeper into each others hearts, which is always a good thing.
The first of next month the apartment complex I live in goes up for auction, so there is some concern about the tenants getting evicted or the rent going up, so that is yet another, hold your breath to wait and see what happens there.
So that is about all for now.
I hope that you all are doing well and enjoying the last days of summer!
Ciao friends...
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August 7, 2009 - Friday 1:35 AM
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Current mood: optimistic
Category: Life
Today was a better day for me.
Of course tensions are high at home. The current economy and rising cost of living is kicking my ass financially. And like everyone else I know, I worry about money and far I can stretch it.
It's so stressful since it is something that I have no control over, and I hate that.
After being canceled twice, I got in to see a new doctor today.
I had a few things to discuss, pain control which has been bad, sleep meds that I have to make a cocktail in order to sleep and then in 4 hours I toss and turn all night.
After 3 nights or so of that I sleep like a rock for almost 10 hours straight since my body basically overrides me and shuts down. I have been living this way for a year and I hate it.
So today, pain control was addressed. I have been on Percoset now for 10 months. It barely makes a dent in the pain and I am only allowed 2 doses a day and it is a 4 hour medication. That means I still have pain off the charts most of the day and night. This is the kind of pain that would make most curl up into the fetal position crying. So starting tonight, I will be on time released Morpheine.
This is a 12 hour time released medication and after 5 days I will have a continuous stream for 24/7 pain control.I have been seeking this kind of pain control for over 2 years now. So let's cross our fingers on this.
My sleep medication has also been changed, so hopefully tonight will be a good one for me!
Again the authorization for the neurosurgeon was brought up. My doctor still has not sent it in. Just a stupid phone call and a fax! I have been begging for this for a couple of months now.
And lastly, I brought up my ill fitting prosthesis and now nearly shredded liner, and left with a prescription for both. So I will be setting an appointment with them to get seen and fitted for a new limb.
So these are positive steps forward for me that have been a long time in coming.
School is fast approaching for my pup, but he actually seems to be looking forward to it a little bit this year.
And of course the Marine Corps is still in his future as far as he is concerned.
Sam and I continue to do well too.
He has had a lot of stress as well in recent weeks, but we are getting through it together as best as we can.
I will let you all know when the neurosurgeon situation is resolved!
Ciao friends...
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August 4, 2009 - Tuesday 9:47 PM
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Current mood:  adored
Category: Life
Many seem to wonder who I am...what is Janet all about?
My needs are both complex and simple at the very same time...
I wish to give love...that is to the man in my life, my children and my friends... it is an all inclusive thing for me.
There are many that only know me through my online persona and then there are others that know it along with who I really am as an individual.
Many have enriched my life and caused me to look upon all that has happened to me, and then drink it all in. But there are also those that have forced me to close the door of friendship soundly in their faces.
I have not liked cutting folks loose from me, but I have found that it was a needed task so that I could both grow and learn and then become better in the process...
I truly am not all that complex in who I am... and I have been nothing but honest in what it is that I want in my life.
The love of a good and competent man, one that sees me for exactly who I am, warts and all, and accepts this but still knows that down deep I am but a child seeking retribution and acceptance in many ways. Wanting the VERY best for both my children and Grandchildren, so that they have more than was ever put before me.
I do believe in my heart that I have found such a man...
I have lived through so much pain, turmoil and change. I want a man that is willing to roll through these changes and see them as just a part of who Janet is... nothing more and nothing less...I do not expect any preferential treatment, and never have...just see me for who I am and then accept me or not into your life.
How hard can that be?
Harder than many of you may even realize!
Dating is dipping your toe into the mass gene pool, and then hoping that you survive it all...it isn't always pretty, but it is honest! And very oft it can be cruel.
Dating sucks, I don't care who you talk to!
It is not for the ill willed or faint of heart...it is brutal, its honest, and it sucks.
But I truly feel that I have matched myself with a man that is worthy of me and the love that I have to give...
From here it is up to me!
And I hope that I am found worthy of him and his life!!
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