I don't have time to write everything I want to say, but I haven't been on the computer for many months, and I don't want to post all the details as to why online.  I have been ill, and still am, and I'm also worried about some family members who are ill as well.  I am trying to get back to doing things online, but there's much to catch up on...software to add/update, plugins to add/update, people to catch up on, etc., and I'm posting this blog in order to reach several people at once. 

I'm going through HELL, but I do miss my friends online and I'm glad to be getting back to the computer, however often I can.  I'm sorry for all those who were worried or wondering about me.  I wasn't able to get on the computer.

For those who sent me messages asking where I was, THANK YOU!!!  I really appreciate knowing people care.  And thank you so much to all who wished me a happy birthday last month.  I just got the messages, and they mean a lot.

I'm thinking of starting a new MySpace, but I'll post a notice here if and when I do, and I'll welcome my friends at this one to join the other, so please watch for an announcement. 

I'm having a really hard time of things, and I'm not sure if I'm going to ever have the life I want, but I still hope, even if not much.  I really have missed you guys, and look forward to chatting with you and being online again.

Apparently, a lot of Americans are fucked up when it comes to history and The Constitution.  Check out this video for some scary statistics, considering how much power religious fanatics and those who discriminate against other beliefs have:

I can't post the link properly (the pound sign keeps disappearing), so go to this link, and click the "Christian Constitution?" video:

http://search.cnn.com/search?query=christian+constitution&type=video&sortBy=date&intl=false

The USA is not--I repeat, not--a Christian nation, folks!

I really have a whole lot I want to blog about, but nobody would read a blog that long, and I don't have the time to really "let it all out," so I'll just post a bunch of random stuff bugging me lately.  It'll be long, but not as long as it would be if I said everything I want and need to.

My anxiety, OCD, irritability and emotions are sky-high right now.  I weaned off Anafranil and Paxil (CR for a while, regular at other times) over the past couple of years under the supervision of my med-shrink, and I don't know if this is just normal anxiety for me, or if, despite taking a long time to get off the drugs, I'm experiencing withdrawal.  I have had it with psych meds.  They take so much from me, and make me apathetic.  (And don't suggest trying different ones...I've been on many different types, sometimes in combination, for twenty-nine years.  NO MORE!!!)  Besides what I know they do to me, no one really knows what these drugs will do to you long-term.  There are many sites that state those who never go on psych meds actually recover better in the long run, whereas those on psych meds tend to rebound more and have more problems.  If you want URLs to some resources, message me and I'll provide them for you.

I am almost constantly anxious, and the physical problems I have, plus how OCD controls my life and also mixes into the physical problems keeps me tense.  I have dry eyes, and they bother me almost constantly.  My shoulders both experience very bad pain when I move my arms in certain ways or push with them (such as to support myself).  The bones in my feet feel like they're about to break when I walk much of the time, and even hurt when I'm not walking.  I have a lot of chafing and itching on many places of my body.  I'm uncomfortable so much of the time.  And now I've been having a toothache, so I'll probably be going to the dentist today (or whenever I can get an appointment).

I want to cry, really cry, but it's such an issue for me to touch my tears, because that means handwashing.  Yes, sometimes I'll just let it out and go through the handwashing, but I haven't done that in a long time.  I need to.  OCD washing (for me, anyway) isn't like other washing.  I can't just get up, go to the sink and wash.  I have to do it "right."  And I have to count.  And concentrate the right way.  And think of the right things.  My brain is all over the place, so it's very stressful to wash.

The OCD controls sooooo much.  I mean, literally almost every aspect of my life.  Many motions, the way I look at things, the way I blink, the physical problems, the places I walk, where I can go, what I can do, etc.  And things that wouldn't bother most people drive me crazy, and I can't get them out of my head until I do whatever I need to do (usually wash) to relieve it.  If I bump into the door, or brush against the wall, or touch something "dirty," which is most things in this house (the house is another topic I might talk about at another time), I have to wash.  It's amazing how many things I brush up against and bump into.  I feel defeated when I have to wash.  But I also have to disinfect the area, too, using disinfectant Wet Ones or other wipes like that.

I'm going to try some natural treatments, when my boyfriend's willing to take me to get them.  I've researched what's supposed to work for OCD and panic disorder and have gotten recommendations.  I may try some herbal treatments, although I'm more nervous about them.  It's funny...not that long ago, I'd dismiss the idea of using vitamins and natural supplements to treat illnesses of almost any kind...but here I am, giving it a try.

I feel tense and anxious, and I can hardly ever relax.  I need some peace.  I need people in my real life to support my trying the natural treatments.  Society is so pro-psych meds, even when we know the side effects can really screw up a person's life and sometimes cause people to do things they might not do if they hadn't gone on meds (like suicide).

My mom was recently in the hospital, so that added to my stress.  And no, I'm not trying to shift the focus on me on that issue...I just need to express it here.  I worry about her a lot.

I wish I had someone who could hold me and hug me in real life.  Even if such a person was here, my OCD means I'd have to wash from being touched.  But I'm afraid to ask my boyfriend to hold me, because he gets all quiet, and feels burdened by me (he's told me this), and I don't want to be a burden to him, or anyone.  I'm afraid to show my pain, because people will only see it as a sign of my mental illnesses--and yes, it's partly that, but just because a person is mentally ill doesn't mean all of his or her expressions of emotion are tied into it--and use it against me later.  Online friends are so great, and I thank those of you who have listened to me, chatted with me and supported me, but I really need someone in my real life who will be there for me, support me, and be strong for me.

I feel so much anger over things that have happened in my life.  Not once since I announced at 10 years old to my parents that my dream was to be an actress, did they support me.  They didn't try to find out more to help me, or even say, "You can do it!"  They just dismissed it.  I've held that dream for twenty-nine years now, and my panic disorder and OCD have fucking ripped it from me.  But I still hope.  And none of my family has encouraged me.

I want to snap at my boyfriend for everything he does wrong (in my opinion, of course), or just for things I feel like he should know by now about the way I am with my OCD.  I don't mean to be a bitch, but like I said, I'm extremely irritable lately.  And when he does something that means more washing for me, it's not like I can go, "Oh, well, no big deal."  Because it is a big deal.  OCD is so exhausting.

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a horrible person.  I let my OCD control me, my fear control me, and people are always criticizing me.  I don't even want to change some of the things some people perceive as negative about me (like some of my opinions), because I don't see them as negative.  Other things, no matter what I do, I keep getting called the same things (like "selfish"), and people keep expecting me to do things I can't, because of my OCD.  I'm a bad person, a bad daughter, a bad girlfriend, a bad everything.  I'm spoiled and selfish.  I'm trying to accept that now.  I am who I am.  I want to be okay with it.

For those who took the time to read this whole blog, thank you.  Be glad you don't know me in real life.  A few of you do, but most of you are lucky.

I wasn't going to do any more of these quizzes...I really should be spending my time more wisely, but...I saw this one on a new MySpace friend's page, and I had to do it!

I knew it!!!  Although, I must say, I'm a little surprised by the result, nevertheless.  I didn't select that I'm spiritual in the quiz, and I did pick that I'd prefer to use magick as a weapon.  Still, I did choose that I'd like to be a shapeshifter.

I love werewolves!

   

       
       
   

   

        What's Your Inner Beast? [pics]
   

   

The Werewolf:

The Werewolf is the symbol for Spiritual Paths. You have the soul of a wolf inside you, which makes you warm and caring to those you love.

Strengths: Protection is a number one priority, and therefore you always gaurd the ones you love and keep tight bonds with your pack mates. Loyalty is strong within yourself, and you also expect it from the ones who are close to you.

Flip Side: Even though you care for those you love deeply, if they betray you, anger races through your veins. The Werewolf, despite it's warm fun-loving personality, can also stand up for itself if need be. You would have no problem hiding your anger if something sets you off balance.

Congratulations! You have a Werewolf inside!

pic (c) Christy Grandjean aka GoldenWolfen

Take this quiz!








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Thank you, Hulk Hogan!

Just saw this cool video on YouTube, and wanted to share!

Why is there no category for Health? 

Anyway, I just found this video by an OCD sufferer on YouTube, and it made me cry, because I relate to it so well.  I wanted to share it with you.

This is a video from the Humane Society of the United States' blog about dog fighting, a horrendous "sport" pitting these poor animals against one another, fights to the death, and a hellish existence for these dogs.  Everyone who cares about animals needs to get involved and help these animals.  People who participate in this evil business are vile and disgusting!  We need to stop all forms of animal fighting for entertainment and gambling!



Please share this video with others (you can get the code at this page on YouTube), and see The Humane Society of the United States' website to learn more of what you can do.

Science fiction and fantasy action adventure romance author Lynda K. Scott posted this on her blog, and I'm posting it on mine:

Dear Editor:
So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York to be ..ed. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.

Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from.

They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan . They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty , it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.

(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

I'm keeping this short, because I have a lot to do, but I haven't been online for a couple of months, as some of you noticed.  My boyfriend and I moved, and our Internet was cut off before we moved, because we expected to move around that time.  However, our move was delayed, and then I had a lot of things to do, including organizing my books, and now I'm finally able to get online again.  I still have a lot to do, both on the computer (updating software, answering email, etc.) and in real life, but I'm glad to be back and will be posting again and keeping in touch.  Thank you to all who emailed, messaged, and otherwise contacted me to see if I was ok.  Sorry I couldn't respond sooner.